


"All you have to do is ask."

by moonlight_jukebox



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, BDSM, Blow Job, Choking, Cunnilingus, F/M, Face-Fucking, Face-Sitting, Femdom, Fluff, Impact Play, Mostly fluff and smut, Oral Sex, Pegging, Slapping, Smut, Spanking, The angst is not what it seems I promise, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, thigh riding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:41:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 59,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25756030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlight_jukebox/pseuds/moonlight_jukebox
Summary: After the BAU consults on a case with BDSM elements relating to femdom, Dr. Spencer Reid has some questions for Reader, who seemed to know just a little too much. Reader is willing to tell the good doctor anything, all he has to do is ask.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Original Female Character(s), Spencer Reid/Reader, Spencer Reid/You
Comments: 86
Kudos: 329





	1. “If you have something to say, just say it, Doc.”

“Guys,” I called back to the team, attempting to keep my voice even. “I think we need to rethink our profile.”

Turning my head, I saw Derek Morgan’s eyebrows raise slightly, disbelief evident on his face. “Alright, how do you figure?”

“Nothing about the unsub being a man fits,” I began. “Garcia has been over every single inch of their lives and she can’t find any shred of evidence that any of our victims were gay.”

“It’s not uncommon for most men that are closeted to be deeply private,” Prentiss chimed in.

I shook my head, turning my body to face the team as they sat around the table. “I could buy that if it was one victim. But all 4? All so in the closet and so careful that Garcia couldn’t find anything?” Derek made a noise of agreement, having the upmost faith in his girl, always. “Think about it, we haven’t been able to find any DNA on any of the vics. We found semen on their chest and stomach, but it was always their own. And the M.E. found signs of lubricant in there…” I waved my hand widely, gesturing at nothing in particular. I was comfortable with the team, I really was. But I really didn’t want to say, ‘the M.E. said they’d been pounded recently,’ in front of my unit chef.

Clearing my throat, I continued. “There was no DNA. A condom could explain the latex that was found, but that doesn’t fit either based on the chemical breakdown of the lube.” I took a breath, steeling myself and schooling my face so I gave nothing away. “The men all fit the same physical type. They’re all dominant men, brown hair, mid-30’s, attractive…It’s not uncommon for men in high power jobs to be submissive in the bedroom. They want to give up that control.”

“…So, you think that our unsub is a female? And that these men wanted her to…” the pretty boy’s voice faltered as I turned my eyes towards him. The tips of his ears went a little pink as he cleared his throat. It was probably wrong of me to find his discomfort so attractive and endearing.

“I think they wanted a woman to dominate them,” I finished for him.

Aaron Hotchner, the BAU’s unit chef, frowned; his usual scowl shifting into a more thoughtful scowl. “So, you think the unsub met these men, and they engaged in consensual sex with her.” It wasn’t a question; I could see the wheels turning in his mind. “She might be a part of the BDSM community, if so.”

I let out a small sigh of relief, thankful he’d brought up that point, so I didn’t have to. Keeping a secret in a room full of profilers was difficult enough. I was afraid if I seemed too knowledgeable about the community they’d begin to suspect something.

I wasn’t surprised when they ever present voice of reason and doubt piped up. “Okay, maybe,” Derek said, his mouth open slightly, his tongue pressed behind his front teeth as he thought. “But what about the text messages Garcia found? The third victim was having a sexual exchange over text message. He called the unsub “daddy.”

I scoffed, “You think only men can be called daddy?” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Reid’s head snap up and looked at me curiously. _Fuck._

Morgan continued. “Well, little missy, have you ever been called daddy?” I don’t know if it was the condescending way he said it, or the tiny laugh that left him right afterward that made me be so honest in my answer.

“Yes, Morgan. I have. More than once.”

_Fuck._

Derek looked bewildered for a second before he smirked, Prentiss tried to hide her smile behind her hand, Hotch looked at me unflinchingly, as if nothing surprised him. I tried to keep my eyes trained on the 3 of them, but I couldn’t help myself, I had to look at him.

My eyes drifted over to the BAU’s resident genius, our pretty boy, Dr. Spencer Reid. His eyes were wide as he stared at me, the apples of his cheeks stained pink. I saw his tongue poke out of side of his mouth before he licked his full pink lips. He really was a pretty boy, with his angular cheek bones, permanently messy hair, and a jaw line that could cut glass. I always found myself focusing on different parts of him. The tendons of his forearms, the veins that ran down to his hands; his hands were so big, his fingers were long. My mind would wonder to how pretty they’d look gripping my bedsheets when I-

_Stop. Focus._

Sweeping my gaze away from the pretty boy, I settled back on Hotch. He met my gaze evenly, not an ounce of surprise was present in those dark eyes. “Alright. Morgan, ask Garcia to look into the lives of the victims from this angle. Prentiss, when JJ gets back, I want you two to go re-interview the Johnson’s and the Wilson’s.” He swept his gaze back to the case board behind me. “Reid, you stay here and keep working on the geographic profile. Y/n,” his gaze seemed to bore into me. “You stay here with Morgan and explore this theory more. I’m going to go talk to the other two families again.”

He stood and the whole team sprung into action. I couldn’t focus on any of them though. My gaze kept coming back to Spencer; with his warm brown eyes fixed on my face, his bottom lip trapped between his teeth.

 _All you have to do is ask, Dr. Reid,_ I thought to myself. I would show him anything he wanted, if only he asked.

\--

I’m not sure how much time had passed; things began to move quickly after Garcia found BDSM pornography in all the victim’s internet search history. Morgan and Prentiss had gone back to the bar the last victim was at the night he died. Hotch was speaking to the local police, telling them to be delicate with this information, no doubt. JJ had stepped into her old role, briefly, drafting a press release.

And here I was, staring at a case board in a conference room in bumfuck Nebraska, with a curious genius pretending not to watch me out of the corner of his eye.

“If you have something to say, just say it, Doc.”

His shoulder’s stiffened, uncomfortable that I had called him out so abruptly.

“W-why would you think I had something to say? I haven’t been able to narrow down the comfort zone any-“

I cut him off. “What you want to ask me isn’t about the case, Doc. Go ahead. We’re friends,” I couldn’t help the small smile that turned my lips upward. “You don’t need to be embarrassed with me.”

Spencer’s fingers tapped against the file in his right hand; his posture shifted slightly as he turned from the map and faced me head on. His eyes looked me up and down quickly before his tongue – _that goddamn tongue_ \- came out to wet his lips again. “How did you know all of that? The stuff you told Morgan, I mean. Or how the unsub was a woman?” His voice got stronger the longer he spoke, “was this something you’ve seen before?”

I smirked at him. He really was just too fucking cute. “I saw my fair share of things before I joined the BAU,” I began. “But no, Doc. That’s not how I knew.”

His brows drew together as a frown marred his pretty face. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“No, I didn’t did I?” I couldn’t help myself. I tried, I really did, but I just couldn’t let this opportunity pass me by. I stalked towards him, my steps slow and purposeful. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed nervously. He didn’t back up though, which was encouraging. I stopped in front of him, close enough that I could look into his eyes and see the tiny flecks of gold, close enough that if I turned and walked away my arm would brush him. But I wasn’t touching him. Not yet. I licked my lips before I spoke again, my voice much quieter, softer. “Ask me what you really want to know, Spencer.”

Maybe it was because I never used his name, maybe it was just his natural curiosity, but he was thrown off enough to ask me what he really wanted to know. “Have you done this before?”

I glanced around to make sure no one had walked into the room, because what I was about to say was completely unprofessional; but I _had to_.

“Done what? Have I tied men to a bed? Have I blindfolded them while I touched them? Have I made them beg for me to fuck them?” Spencer’s mouth opened slightly, his breathing getting heavier as I went on. “Have I fucked them in their pretty little asses while I used my hands on their cocks until they were promising to do anything for me?”

I waited a beat, my face a mask of indifference; but, Spencer was a profiler, he could tell I wasn’t indifferent. He gave a shaky nod of affirmation. 

Tilting my head to the side slightly, I let a smile spread over my face before I leaned closer to him, like I was sharing a secret.

“Yes, Dr. Reid, I have.”


	2. I beg your goddamn pardon?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the conversation in Nebraska, there’s some tension between our favorite genius and Reader. A peace offering, a rainstorm, and some unexpected questions should clear that right up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y’all are liking this so far! No smut in this chapter, but I more than make up for it in chapter 3. Promise.
> 
> Additional note/Warning: There are hints of angst in this chapter. That is explained in chapter 6. Not to give any spoilers but this angst is not what it seems. It's a bit of a red herring. Reader was betrayed by someone she trusted. I've tweaked chapter 3 to address this angst enough to put any fears at ease. 
> 
> y/n = your name
> 
> y/l/n = your last name
> 
> italicized text are Reader’s inner thoughts.

Once we pinned down the gender of the unsub, it wasn’t hard to help the locals close the case. Anna Marie Wilcox, 29. A pretty blonde girl with haunted eyes, betrayed by every man in her life. She just wanted to take her power back.

Cool motive; still murder.

The flight back to Quantico was quiet. Hotch spoke with Rossi before take-off, telling us that he was flying back from San Francisco after visiting his daughter and grandson, and that he would see us on Monday. After that, everyone seemed to slip into their own world. This wasn’t uncommon. After working day and night to save lives, digging your way into the darkest corners of a murderer’s mind, you needed to decompress a bit.

JJ was asleep in the back of the cabin, Emily sitting beside her while she reviewed some files. Hotch was writing at the small table, Morgan sitting opposite him, eyes closed while he listened to whatever played through his headphones.

And I was on the couch with Dr. Spencer Reid. I was very surprised when he boarded the jet and made a beeline towards where I was sitting without hesitation. He hadn’t spoken to me, or even looked at me for longer than 5 seconds since our talk at the precinct. I could tell my blunt words had an effect on him, which wasn’t surprising to me. I tried not to stereotype people, I knew better than anyone else how wrong those stereotypes could be; but, if I ever had to guess a person I thought would be a submissive, I’d guess Spencer Reid.

My back was angled on the couch, pressing into the corner where the armrest met the back rest, my legs crossed in front of me. I had my phone in my head, swiping mindlessly on a puzzle game that didn’t require any cell phone signal to play. I always found myself doing that after a case, it calmed me.

Dr. Reid was pretending to read.

 _He’s not even being convincing_ , I thought, trying to keep my face neutral. _You read 20,000 words a minute, baby. You’ve been staring at that page for 5 minutes._ Unable to resist, I shifted in my seat. I slowly uncrossed my legs, the small slit in the side of my skirt becoming visible at the movement.

Did I wear this skirt on purpose? Yes, yes, I did.

I let out a soft sigh before re-crossing my legs. I watched him out of the corner of my eye the entire time. His eyes followed my movements, his breath hitching slightly. He moved his gaze up my body until he got to my eyes, which he was surprised to find were on him. He cleared his throat before going back to his book, little splotches of red on his cheeks.

I smirked. _All you have to do is ask, Dr. Reid._

\--

Nothing happened until Thursday the following week. I had all but given up hope that Spencer Reid would finally cave and come to me. _Shame_ , I thought. _He would look so pretty when he begged._

The unit’s case load had been lighter than normal, no cases that required us to travel. We did some consulting and wrote up some preliminary profiles for the law enforcement agencies that asked for our help. We had been traveling so much over the past few months, I think Hotch was just trying to give us a break.

A loud clap of thunder broke the silence of the bullpen. Then it seemed as if the sky opened up a second later, the heavy rain falling like a curtain outside the windows.

“That’s dramatic,” Emily Prentiss commented.

Morgan made a sound of agreement before turning his head to look at Reid. “Have fun walking to the train station in that, pretty boy.” His face split into a smile as Spencer shot him a glare. JJ, Emily, and I all laughed at their exchange. His eyes didn’t go to JJ or Emily though, those caramel brown eyes swung in my direction.

At the end of the workday, Garcia was the first out the door. She walked past the bullpen and gave a big wave. “Goodbye, my darlings. I will see you in the morning…unless there is a terrible murder!”

The team smiled and returned her goodbye. Derek was out of his seat in a flash, trailing after her. I couldn’t help but wonder about the two of them sometimes.

“Bye Spence,” I heard JJ say as she passed the boy wonder’s desk. “Try not to drown out there.” Emily laughed as she walked up beside JJ, standing just a little too close. I wondered about them too, if I’m honest.

When it was just me and the object of my attention left, I got my bag and approached his desk. “Hey, Doc.”

He didn’t look up, making it seem like putting files and papers into his messenger bag required his full attention. “Hi, y/l/n.”

Well, this wouldn’t do at all. “It’s still pouring outside. Do you need a ride? I’d hate for you to have to walk a block in this storm.”

“I’ll manage,” he muttered, still not meeting my eyes.

I let out a sigh. “Spencer.” His eyes finally raised to meet mine. “I’m sorry if I stepped over the line in Nebraska. It was unprofessional. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. That wasn’t my intention.” He opened his mouth to interrupt, but I continued. “I hope that we can move past this, I really miss my friend.”

He took a moment to adjust his glasses. He never wore them anymore, and I have to admit that my heart sputtered a bit when I saw him in them this morning. “We were friends before?” He chuckled slightly, earning a smile for me. I’d only been with the BAU for 7 months, and while I was friendly with my co-workers, Spencer and I had never had a particularly close bond.

“I like to think so,” was my reply, giving him a small smile. “And if we weren’t before, I hope we can be one day.” With one final look in those eyes, I turned. “Have a good night, Doc.”

I was halfway to the elevators when I heard him. “Y/n!” I turned to see him hurrying towards me. He smiled at me; and it was his real smile, not the polite smile he gave others. It was a full-blown smile that lit his whole face up. My stomach fluttered. “If you don’t mind, I’d actually like a ride. If you’re still willing?”

Still so nervous, even now. “Of course, pretty boy,” Morgan’s nickname for him slipping from my lips without a thought. “Follow me.”

It wasn’t the thing I had been hoping all week that he’d ask me, but it was a start.

\--

The drive to Spencer’s apartment took longer than it should have. I was driving slower because of the storm; I was also driving slower because other drivers weren’t driving slowly.

“This type of rain is so heavy it cuts the visibility more than the average storm,” the good doctor said. “Under normal precipitation it’s advised that you reduce your speed by at least 10 miles to account for less traction.”

“Huh,” I responded, glancing down at my speedometer.

He cleared his throat. “S-sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.”

I risked a quick glance at him to see him shifting in his seat. “Do what, Doc?”

“Ramble,” Spencer said softly. “I ramble when I’m nervous, and I’m trying really hard not to be nervous.”

My heart ached for him in that moment. This brilliant, _brilliant,_ man, the smartest and kindest person in any room, was nervous about talking to me. My right hand lifted from the steering wheel before I could think better of it, touching his arm lightly. “Please don’t be nervous around me, Spencer.” His whole body stiffened at my touch. “Shit! I’m sorry. I forgot you don’t like to be touch.” I blew out a frustrated breath. “I just keep fucking this up, don’t I?” My chuckle was sad, and a little bit bitter.

“It’s not that,” he said quickly. “I was just surprised. I don’t…I don’t mind if you touch me.”

I didn’t try to hide the shock on my face. “You don’t, huh?”

I swear I could almost hear the blush in his voice. “I d-didn’t mean it like t-.”

“Spence,” I cut him off. “I know. I was just teasing.”

He let out a small chuckle at that. “Oh. Right.” There was beat of silence before he spoke again. “You know, you’ve never called me Spence before.” I simply nodded in agreement. He was right, I hadn’t. I hadn’t even meant to do it then. He continued on. “Actually, you only call me Spencer when the conversation is serious. Other than that it’s always Doc…or occasionally Reid.” The chuckle that left him put a smile on my face.

“You’re right, Doc.” I glanced over at him and smiled. “Tell you what, I don’t want you to be nervous around me. At all. So, I’m giving you blanket consent right now.” I really hoped I knew what I was doing. “You can ask me any question you want. You can tell me anything. I promise I won’t judge you.”

“…Really?” He sounded _almost_ like he was in awe.

I nodded. “Yes, really. The thought of making you nervous makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want you to feel that way in front of me.” My voice was soft, reassuring. Maybe it was the soft dom in me that recognized his submissive, but I wanted to comfort him. I wanted him to feel safe.

Spencer Reid took a deep breath before he spoke again. He acted like it was no big deal, but the words he said afterwards gave me a mild heart attack. “Okay, can you tell me about your BDSM experiences?”

_I fucking beg your goddamn pardon?_

I sputtered a bit. “…Seriously?” My eyes were wide, I didn’t risk looking at him.

“W-well,” he sounded unsure now. “You said I could ask you anything.”

“You can! You absolutely can!” I heard him let out a breath. “I’m just…surprised that’s what you went with. That’s all. But…I don’t mind telling you if you really want to know.”

“I do,” he whispered.

I smiled over at him. “Okay, Doc. What do you wanna know?”

Spencer chewed on his bottom lip thoughtfully. “Maybe just walk me through what you like to do. Or what you usually do. Or how you got into it.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh, that’s all?” I shook my head. “Alright. I was 21 when I first got into it. I had a…he wasn’t really my boyfriend. I guess you can say a friend with benefits.” I saw him nod his head in understanding. “And one day he asked me if I knew anything about BDSM. At that time, I only knew misconceptions and rumors; which is why I told him I wasn’t interested. The thought of someone tying me down and doing whatever they wanted to me sounded terrifying. But he clarified that he thought I would enjoy being a dominant. We tried it out a few times…and I liked it.”

Spencer cleared his throat. “So…is that the only kind of sex you have?”

I pondered over how to answer him. “That’s…a complicated question. I’m not not answering. I think I should just explain a bit more first.” He made a noise of affirmation before I continued on. “What I do during a scene sort of depends on my submissive. Before anything happens, we have to have a really in-depth conversation, discussing hard and soft limits, punishments, expectations and things like that.” I glanced over, confirming I hadn’t lost him. “Like I mentioned, I’m a soft dom. But, I usually can bend to what my submissive likes, as long as I’m comfortable.”

“So, what would you do? If you got to pick everything?”

 _You keep on surprising me, Doctor_ , I thought.

“Well, I like bondage, choking, degradation, but only if it’s light and done right.” I don’t know why I felt the need to explain that. “Then I’m fine with oral sex, praise, orgasm denial, overstimulation, and pegging.”

Spencer was quiet. “A-and pegging is the…”

“What the unsub was doing to her victims? Yes, Spencer.”

“…Oh,” was all the boy genius said.

I continued on, trying to provide context. “I usually like to build up the relationship a bit before I bust out a strap on, though.” I worked hard to keep my voice even. “I’ll use toys on him first, usually.”

“You didn’t say sex.”

 _Shit._ “Beg pardon?” I asked, like I was clueless to what he meant.

Dr. Reid’s voice was firm; it was the voice he used on cases, the steady voice that explained concepts that anyone else would miss. “You said oral sex. You said you’d…you’d…do that-“

“Oh, for God’s sake, Doc,” I interrupted with a laugh. “We’re less than 3 minutes from your apartment and we’re having a conversation about BDSM. You can say fuck.”

“Fine,” he huffed. “You said you fuck them. But you never said you’d let them fuck you.”

Fucking profilers. “Yes, that’s right. That’s why it was so hard for me to answer your earlier question. I don’t have traditional sex with my submissives.”

His voice was confused when he asked, “But why?”

I clicked my tongue. “That, my darling, is a conversation I avoid at all costs. And we’re at your apartment.”

Spencer glanced around, surprised we’d arrived already, despite how long the drive took in the rain. I knew what he was going to do before he did it. I was already formulating my answer when he said, “Y/n…would you want to come up to my apartment? So we could keep talking?”

“Sure, Spence. If that’s what you want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me if you've made it this far! I hope you're enjoying the ride.


	3. "Do you kiss your submissives?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dr. Spencer Reid and Reader continue their conversation at his apartment. Reader explains some of her rules and quickly realizes just how quickly she’ll break them for our pretty boy. (Smut. This is just all smut.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking with me, my darlings. As promised, here is chapter 3, which is filled with sexual tension and Spencer Reid smut.

Spencer Reid’s apartment was exactly what I expected. The only clutter in the whole place were his books, which were overflowing from everywhere. I didn’t see a TV or any sort of modern technology besides a phone line. The walls were a dark green, the windows on the far wall were huge, offering amazing natural light, I was sure.

He placed his bag by the door before he moved into the apartment. “D-do you want anything, Y/n?”

“I’m fine, Doc.” I moved to sit down on his couch before patting the cushion beside me. He moved to the couch quickly, briefly debating if he should sit where I had indicated or sit further from me. “C’mon, Doc. I’ll only bite if you ask me to.” I tried to say it like it was a joke. It wasn’t, but I’m not sure if Spencer knew that.

He sat beside me, his back ramrod straight, his knees together, fingers drumming nervously against his thighs.

“Well, you’ve got me right where you want me, Doc. Ask away,” I said lightly.

He bit his lip; I saw him struggling with himself. “…why is it a conversation you avoid?”

 _Jesus fuck._ “Because it makes me uncomfortable, Spencer,” my voice had a slight edge to it. _I don’t want to talk about this._

My nervous boy licked his lips, his eyes shifted to the wall across the room; his eyes ran over the books I’m sure he’s read thousands of times. “Did…did-,” he cleared his throat. “No one hurt you, did they?”

 _Is that my heart that just cracked a little bit?_ “No, Spencer. No one hurt me in the way you’re thinking.” It took everything within me not to reach out and touch him. How could his mind not jump to the worst conclusion given the work that we do? “My heart is the only part of me that was hurt. I trusted the wrong person.” _A mistake I won’t make again._

I saw his posture relax as he released a deep breath he’d been holding. “Okay. Thank you for telling me.” _My sweet boy. The things I want to do to you._ He shifted, still never meeting my eyes. “Well…if you don’t let them…fuck you, then what do you get out of it? Do you still have…have an o-orgasm with them?”

“Sometimes,” was my answer. “Sometimes I’ll turn them into a whimpering little mess and then I just leave. Sometimes, I touch myself while I’m with them, so they can watch me cum.” Spencer’s breathing was so heavy now. _Does he feel this too?_ This pulsing that seemed to run through my entire body. “My memory isn’t as good as yours, but once I leave, I usually finish myself up at home, thinking about how they begged and cried for me.”

I heard him whimper. He didn’t try to hide it, shifting in his seat again. I felt myself throb at the sound, at the thought of him making a sound like that under me. I had tried to reign myself in while I was in the car, not letting this affect me. This was different. We were in his house, I could smell him, I could almost feel him. I didn’t need to check to know my panties were getting damp, especially after hearing that fucking sound.

He wasn’t going to make the first move; it simply wasn’t in him. “Spencer? What do you want? I can’t give you anything if you don’t tell me. All you have to do is ask.”

He took a deep breath, clasping his hands together to stop them from trembling. “…w-w-what do you look for? What sort of…guys do you like?” His voice was so unsure, he was so afraid that I was going to say something and hurt him. The thought cracked my heart open further. This sweet, sweet man.

“Can I touch you?”

“Yes.” His response was so quick I had to bite down on my tongue to suppress a laugh.

I placed my hand on his arm, staying on his shirt, careful to never touch his skin. I skimmed my fingers up higher while I turned my body more towards him. I could see his pulse beating in his neck. “My poor, nervous boy,” I said softly, so softly I’m surprised he heard me. But from the way his eyes closed, and his hands clinched, I knew he had. His breathing sped up the closer I got to his neck.

Finally, finally, finally, I let my fingers move up to the collar of his button up shirt. He felt my nails first as they grazed over the skin of his neck, brushing slowly towards the other side, up to that jaw I had admired since the moment I met him. With light pressure, I turned his face towards me; I was pleased when he didn’t resist.

“I don’t think I have a type, I like all sorts of people,” my voice was a little bit more raspy than normal, my words soft. “I especially like shy boys with beautiful messy hair and glasses.”

The small smile on his face at my words warmed a place in my heart I hadn’t felt for such a long time.

He licked his lips, his eyes searching mine; looking for something that I would give him…if only he asked. His voice was no more than a whisper, “Do you normally kiss your submissives?”

“No,” I said, unprepared for the look of disappointment that crossed his face. “No, I usually don’t kiss my submissives. But…I think I could make an exception.” There was no way I wasn’t going to kiss that beautiful mouth of his, my normal rules be damned.

His golden-brown eyes locked on to mine; and for the first time in a very long time, I felt like someone could see every part of me. Spencer Reid looked at me and I felt like he could see all my secrets that were buried far beneath the surface. The way he looked at me made my heart flutter, my thighs clinch, and my mouth go dry.

He _terrified_ me.

Spencer’s tongue ran over his bottom lip, his eyes moving from my lips back up to my eyes. “Are you sure?”

In that moment I wasn’t sure of a lot, but I was starting to understand that my usual defenses were no match for this man. “I’m sure.”

His hands were soft when he cupped my face in his palms, slowly moving his thumb over my cheek. It felt like it took a lifetime for his lips to finally brush over mine, sending a jolt of electricity through my body. I’d kissed other people before, but I had never felt a _hunger_ like this. Spencer’s lips moved over mine hesitantly, my nervous boy was still so unsure. I moved my hands to the back of his head, tangling my fingers in those light brown curls I had admired for so long.

Our kiss grew more urgent, like we both felt how fleeting this perfect moment was. The rain was pouring, Spencer Reid’s mouth was moving over mine, his tongue flicking over my lips, seeking entrance, and I was so wrapped up in him that I forgot what I was so afraid of.

I sucked Spencer’s tongue into my mouth, the action pulling a moan from deep in his throat. My hands were moving down his body urgently; Spencer’s hands stayed on my cheeks. _Maybe he’s afraid I’ll stop him if he tries to touch me._

My mouth broke away from his, gasping for air. I ran my hands down his body while my mouth trailed over to his ear, planting wet kisses along his jaw. “Tell me what you want, baby,” I whispered in his ear before I gently took his earlobe between my teeth.

Spencer hissed, his hips shift, seeking some sort of friction. “I…I don’t know.”

He couldn’t see my smile as I kissed down his neck until I got to his pulse point, biting and sucking the skin lightly. He’d have a mark, but I couldn’t resist. I wanted some proof tomorrow that this was real.

“If I do something you’re not okay with you have to tell me.” He nodded quickly. “No, I need you to say it, Spencer.”

“I will,” he said in that same breathy voice that I would remember for the rest of my life. “But I don’t think you’ll do anything I don’t like.”

He had far too much trust in me, but I wasn’t going to betray it. Rising up, I pulled up my skirt before I swung my left leg over him, so that I was straddling his lap. I quickly started working on the buttons of his shirt.

“Y/n,” he said, causing me to pause. “I don’t know what I’m allowed to do with my hands.”

What a good boy he was already. “Put them along the back of the couch, baby. I’ll give you permission to touch me again when you’ve earned it.”

He nodded before leaning back further to put his arms where I wanted. His eyes darted down to where my lower body was pressed to his. Spencer Reid’s breath caught before he licked his lips and looked up towards his ceiling.

I continued unbuttoning his shirt. “What is it, baby?” I pushed his shirt open, my lips trailing down to his collarbone.

“I can…I can see your…panties,” he stumbled with his words. Whether he was uncomfortable with the words or simply overwhelmed, I couldn’t decide. I tilted my head, looking further down. My skirt was up around my hips, the piece of blue fabric covering my pussy was visible.

I leaned closer, my mouth going back to his ear as my hands went to his belt. “What’s wrong, Spencer? Do you not like them?” He shifted restlessly. “Or is it because they’re all wet?” He whimpered again, causing me to pull his chin down so he was facing me. “It’s all for you, you know. This is what you do to me.”

Something ignited in his eyes right before he brought his lips back to mine, his tongue swiping over my bottom lip, demanding entry. I opened for him on a sigh as I finally got his belt free. Dr. Spencer Reid was good at everything, so I shouldn’t have been surprised that he was such a good kisser. His tongue tangled with mine before he sucked my bottom lip into his mouth, biting softly. When I moaned into the kiss, his hips bucked up, causing a jolt to run through my core.

“Can I take your pants off, Spencer?” I whisper against his mouth. I got a small nod before his mouth moved over mine again.

I undid his pants, slowly unzipping him, before I pulled away. I’m embarrassed to say my legs were a bit shaky when I stood up. _Who would have thought Spencer Reid would have this effect on me?_

He lifted his hips as I tugged his boxers and pants down his thighs, his cock springing free and hitting his pelvis. He was a pretty boy; it makes sense he’d have a pretty cock. He was longer than I expected, not overly thick, but the veins were clearly visible. He was so hard it had to be almost painful for him. The head of his dick was wet from all his precum.

Spencer watched me carefully, unsure of where I was going to take this. I gave him a smile and dropped to my knees. “We’re not going to do anything crazy tonight, Doc,” I said, trailing my lips up one of his thighs, clenching my own at the whimper he made in response. “We’re just…getting acquainted.” My hand reached up and grabbed him at the base, stroking up to the head before running my thumb along the back, an area I was sure would be sensitive. His hips jerked, he let out another groan. “Is that what you want, Spencer?”

“Yes…yes, please.” His teeth were digging into his lip so hard I was afraid he might draw blood. His hands balled into fists along the back of the couch.

I couldn’t deny him, especially not after I heard him say please. I knew he’d be like this; I just knew it. I ran my tongue up the underside of his shaft before swirling it around his head. I kept my eyes on him the whole time, his hand released from the tight fist to grip the back of the couch. 

I hollowed out my cheeks and took the head of his cock into my mouth. I sucked hard, earning another whimper. I pulled my mouth off and brought my palm to my mouth. I licked my palm, being sure to let some salvia pool in my hand, before I wrapped it around his base again. I flicked my tongue over the slit of his dick, watching him closely. His stomach muscles were flexing in an effort to hold still. I began to work his cock into my mouth, taking more and more each time I went down, my hands stroking the part that my mouth hadn’t reached.

“Oh…oh my god, y/n,” his head thrashed from side to side. He closed his eyes, before I squeezed him harder. His eyes opened to meet mine. I pulled him out of my mouth, jerking him roughly.

“Look at you,” I murmured. “You’re already such a mess, Doctor.” He whined at my words, my hand continuing to move over this length. “I want you to watch me suck your cock. I want to _hear_ you, Spencer, is that clear?” His cheeks were bright red, his breathing heavy as I continued to work his cock. He nodded, then said, “yes, ma’am.”

 _Hmm, ma’am,_ I thought. _He might be a natural at this._

I took him back into my mouth. I worked up a rhythm that seemed to be what he wanted. I moved my hand off of him before I took him deeper into my mouth. His cock hit the back of my throat; I fought my gag reflex, swallowing around the tip of him.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he whined. “Please, y/n. Please. I need you so much. Please, please.” He really was the most _beautiful_ thing I had ever seen, especially when he was like this.

I moved back up his cock, pulling my mouth off and gave him a smile. I kissed the tip before I said, “You can touch me now, Spencer. You’ve been such a good boy.”

I took him back into my mouth, not missing the look on his face when I called him a good boy. It looked like somebody had a praise kink. _Of course he does,_ was all I could think.

He tentatively put his hands on my head, not applying any pressure, just following my movements. I reached up and pushed his hand more firmly on the back of my head, encouraging him. Spencer was ever the quick learner; he moved his hand, sliding it into my hair, gripping it and tugging ever so slightly. I closed my eyes and moaned around him, which caused him to grip my hair tighter and moan my name.

He started moving my head then. I relaxed, allowing him to move how he wanted. I watched as Dr. Spencer Reid, the quiet awkward man started to fuck my face, groaning every time his cock hit the back of my throat.

My eyes watered, saliva slipping from my mouth making his cock wetter.

“Y/n,” he said, his voice strained. “I’m…I’m going to cum. Please. Please, let me cum. You feel so good. Please.”

I moaned around him, looking into his eyes the entire time. I thought I was ready to see what he looked like when he came. I wasn’t.

He breathed out a sound that might have been my name, his hands flexing on my head. His head was thrown back, the tendons of his neck were straining as he spilled down my throat. I swallowed reflexively, closing my eyes until his hands dropped from my head. I pulled off and gave him a few more strokes with my hand. His body spasmed; he was so sensitive and my touch was too much.

I moved my body back up onto the couch, my legs stiff from being on the hard floor for so long. A soft smile took over my face as I looked at the boy wonder. I never thought I would see this sight; Spencer Reid was completely wrecked…by _me_.

He raised his head and looked at me, his expression close to one of wonder. “That was…that was everything, y/n.”

I chuckled, pushing my hair behind my ear. “That was nothing, Doc,” I said smugly. “That was just a normal blowjob. If you let me, I could really show you everything.”

He smiled at me, his eyes running over me, his eyebrows furrowed like they did when he was thinking hard about something. “Y/n,” he began. “I…I want you to cum too.”

Spencer was nothing if not a gentleman. “It’s fine, Spence. I’ll just take this memory with me and take care of myself later.” I normally didn’t second guess my decision to have this boundary with my subs, but Spencer was making it difficult to not rethink it.

Shifting his body, he slowly brought his hand up to face, cupping my jaw again. “You have that memory,” he whispered. “But I’d like one of you. I really want to see you cum.” My breath shuddered; who knew a little bit of dirty talk from the pretty boy would affect me like this? “Even if you won’t let me f-fuck you, or touch you…please, I just want to help you feel good.”

My pussy was so wet, the throbbing was constant. I had my thighs clamped together, trying to get some sort of relief. I was making all kinds of exceptions today, so why not?

I nodded slowly, unable to contain my laugh at the look of victory that came over his face. “What…how do you usually do this, y/n?”

Keeping my eyes on him, I started to remove my shirt. His eyes raked over me quickly, I knew he was committing me to memory. Reaching behind my back, I unhooked my bra, taking a deep breath before I slid it off. “You can kiss me, if you want. You can kiss any part of my body above my waist.” _Was that disappointment that flashed over his face?_ “I’ll…I’ll touch myself while you do that.”

I was so wet and aching, I knew this wouldn’t take long. Spencer gripped my face in both of his hands and kissed me. This kiss was brief, but the same amount of passion was still there. His hand tentatively made its way up to my breast, brushing over my nipple softly before his took me in his hand. I moaned into the kiss as his thumb started to brush over my nipple more purposefully, my thighs squeezing tighter.

“You know,” he murmured into my skin, moving his lips down to mouth my throat. “Some women can orgasm from nipple stimulation alone. It’s rare, most women need clito-“

“Spencer, I am okay with hearing your facts anytime but right now,” I said, trailing my hand up my thigh.

He just chuckled. “Fair enough.” He moved his mouth down to my breast, taking my nipple into his mouth while his hand held the other, his thumb and forefinger tweaking that one while his tongue flicked over the other.

 _Of course he is good with his mouth_. I moved my hand up to the seam of my underwear. Pushing the wet fabric aside while I ran my finger up my folds. I couldn’t help the moan that tore from my throat at the sensation. I was just _so_ wet.

Spencer pulled back from my chest to watch my hand, his attention on my finger as I slowly started circling my clit. He licked his lips, which may have been the hottest thing I had ever seen. “Y/n…” he trailed off, entranced by the movement of my hand, “Please let me touch you.” My breath caught, his left hand continuing to toy with my nipple. “I know you don’t normally. And I don’t understand why…it’s fine if you don’t want to. But please… _please_ , I’ve thought about this for so long. Can I at least taste you on your fingers?”

 _Who knew Spencer Reid was this dirty?_ I moved my finger down, dipping it into my heat before I brought it back out. I brought my wet finger up to his mouth, staring in wonder as his lips wrapped around it. He sucked harshly, moaning at my taste, his eyes fluttering closed.

I blame how turned on I was for what I said next. “Spencer…you…you can use your hand.”

The look in his eyes made it seem like he knew what a big deal this was. He might not understand my reasoning, but he knew that me breaking my rule for him meant something, something important.

He leaned forward to kiss me, letting me taste the trace of myself on his lips. Then I felt his thumb ghost over my clit. My hips jerked and my thighs attempted to clamp together. I couldn’t remember the last time a hand that wasn’t my own touched me.

He pulled back, biting his lip as he looked at me. Pulling his hand back, he leaned forward and took my nipple into his mouth as he put a finger inside me. I was never going to be able to look at his hands again, not after I knew they could do this. He moved it in at out at a leisurely pace before he inserted another. He curled his fingers up until he found the spot that made me buck my hips and arch my back. Spencer smiled at me while his hand began to move faster. _Only he could look so sweet at a time like this._ “Tell me if I do something you don’t like, y/n,” he whispered. “I-I don’t have a lot of experience with this.”

He looked down again to watch his fingers move inside of me. _Could have fooled me, Doc._ He licked his lips absentmindedly while I tried to ride his fingers. He ground the heel of his hand against my clit, causing me to whine. I was so close already. My pussy was soaking wet, my chest was flushed, and I was coming undone for Dr. Spencer Reid.

“You look so fucking beautiful, Y/n,” he said, his eyes moving between my face and where his hand was working into me. “I’ll never be able to look at you again and not remember how pretty your pussy is. How wet you get for me.” Spencer leaned forward then, his mouth near my ear as he whispered. “And how your pussy squeezes my fingers every time I say something.” He chuckled at my groan. He knew I was going to cum. “Is that what you like? It’s not just making me beg for you…you just like _hearing_ me, don’t you? Fuck…you’re getting so much tighter.” He bit my earlobe gentle, his left thumb and forefinger squeezing my nipple, his hand working into me faster as I ground my hips against him. “I wonder…y/n,” he breathed again. “I want you to cum for me. _Please, please cum for me, Miss._ ”

That’s what finally broke me, the tension inside my body snapping apart at his whispered plea. My back arched off the couch, my hands were around his arm, my nails digging into his skin. My vision went white as I tried not to scream at how good he made me feel.

I slowly floated back to earth, his fingers working me gently to prolong my orgasm. I’m sure my face was flushed and dazed, but he stared at me like I was…beautiful. Spencer removed his fingers from my over sensitive pussy. I wasn’t prepared for him bringing them to his mouth and sucking them clean,

 _Jesus, he’s dirty_ was the only thought in my head.

After he withdrew, we both started righting our clothes; he pointed me in the direction of the bathroom so I could clean up. After wiping myself off, I splashed some water on my face, taking in my appearance in the mirror. My cheeks were flushed, my eyes were too bright, my lips were swollen. I looked happy.

I was _terrified_.

I made my way into the living room to find Spencer clothed once again. The confident man who had made me cum moments ago was gone, replaced with my nervous boy, fidgeting with his glasses.

No matter how uncomfortable I was, I needed to be there for him after this. I sat beside him while he eyed me cautiously.

I smiled at him, my poor boy. I held out my arms. “Come here, Doc.” He looked confused. I explained, “I know we didn’t technically do any real BDSM stuff, but I think aftercare is still important right now. So, come here.”

Spencer bit his lip and looked…oddly hopeful. After giving it some thought, he scooted over on the couch before laying down so his head would fall into my lap. “Y/n?”

I ran my fingers through his curly hair slowly, trying to sooth him. “Hmm?”

Spencer was quiet; I could see his mind working behind his eyes, looking for something, anything, to say.

He was still thinking about what to say when his eyes closed, and his breathing slowed down.

It was alright, I knew what he wanted to say anyway.


	4. Please don't lie to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after! How awkward could it be when Reader and Dr. Reid meet in the bullpen the next morning? An honest conversation turns smutty and Reader is starting to rethink some decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter became more important than I initially thought it would be. The way BDSM dynamics are presented are important to me, so I wanted to make that a part of my story. Communication is always key. The actually femdom kicks off in Chapter 5 😌

I wasn’t sure what I expected to happen when I got to work the following morning; my mind spun in circles while the elevator slowly brought me to the floor that housed our elite FBI unit. Try as I might, I couldn’t stop my thoughts from straying to last night.

Spencer had fallen asleep with his head in my lap, my fingers moving softly over his scalp, brushing through his curls. I sat there for longer than I wanted to admit, lost in thought. _How did I let this happen?_ I thought over and over again. Did I break my rules because I knew Spencer? I trusted him with my life; I trusted the entire time with my life, I had to. Perhaps that’s why I let him kiss me, let him touch me. I trusted the good doctor in a way I hadn’t trusted anyone I had been intimate with in a long time.

 _That must be it._ I refused to look at it on a deeper level; I _couldn’t._ I had to keep my feelings in check. I wouldn’t risk my job, my life, my world over unchecked emotions. Not again.

The metal doors slid open; the bullpen was already buzzing with activity at 7:50 in the morning. I usually arrived earlier, but I had stopped for coffee. I reasoned that it was just a treat for myself; not an excuse to avoid the office coffee station, which we all knew was the domain of Dr. Spencer Reid. I hadn’t received any messages from Garcia or Hotch, leading me to assume today was another day of paperwork.

I tried to stop my eyes from searching for him, but it was no use. He was like a magnet for my senses. Most of us typed up our reports and only wrote when we had to, but most of us were not Dr. Reid. He was hunched over, papers scattered over his desk in some pattern of order only he would understand. His pen scribbled quickly over the pages, his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth in concentration.

It wasn’t until he glanced up suddenly that I became aware of the world around me; someone had said my name, alerting him to my presence. Looking around, I shot Prentiss a smile, her gaze already on my face. “Hi, Em,” I said in greeting.

Her smile confirmed my suspicions that she was the one who had spoken. “Did you do anything fun last night? You didn’t answer my text.”

 _Who, me?_ “Oh, nothing much,” I said brightly, placing my bag at my desk, setting my coffee down. “I just did some stuff around the house. I’m sorry I didn’t see your text.” I hadn’t seen her text until hours after she sent it. I was so wrapped up in that man I didn’t even look at my _phone._ For hours.

One of the wonderful things about SSA Emily Prentiss is that nothing phased her; she had lived a life that was too complicated and dangerous to sweat the small stuff. “Not a problem. Are you doing anything tonight? Garcia is trying to organize a girl’s night.”

I could still feel my boy’s eyes on me. “No, I don’t have any plans. If she asks me, I’ll let you know.” Prentiss scoffed, turning back to her work. We both knew Garcia would ask.

 _Don’t look, don’t look, I_ kept repeating to myself; but how could I not? Slowly, my head turned towards him, finding him already staring at me. To anyone else, his face would have appeared blank, but after last night, I knew him better than that. He didn’t have his glasses on today, he wore a button up shirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbows, his messy curls hanging in state of permanent disarray around his face. Calling his eyes brown was doing them an injustice; not quite hazel, they were filed with so many tiny shards of color, giving them a depth I had never noticed before last night.

No, his face wasn’t blank; his face was filled with uncertainty. When he eventually woke up last night, he lifted his head from my lap quickly, his cheeks red with embarrassment. I hadn’t said anything; I kissed his cheek and walked out of his apartment. _My poor nervous, beautiful boy._ I offered him a small, soft smile. This didn’t have to change anything. Not if he didn’t want it to.

\--

Just because you expect something doesn’t mean you’re ready for it; that’s a lesson I had learned a long time ago that had always held true. I expected Dr. Reid to try and talk to me at some point today. I expected it, but I wasn’t ready when he finally cornered me on my way back to the bullpen from the bathroom. I felt his presence before I saw him; he stepped around the corner, briefly meeting my eyes before he started shuffling awkwardly.

He cleared his throat. “H-hey, y/n. I was…I was hoping that I could talk to you for a minute?”

 _Still such a nervous boy._ I gave him a nod; I knew he needed answers. It wasn’t fair to ignore him just because I was uncomfortable with how I was feeling. I had done this before, Spencer hadn’t. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what Spencer _had_ done before. I turned as he walked past me, following him down the hallway until we reached JJ’s old office. It was filled with old boxes and scattered with case files. It was as private as we were going to get.

I waited for the boy genius to speak first; it might have been cruel, but I really didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know how to begin. How was I supposed to start this conversation when I remembered the noises he made when his cock was in my mouth? When I could still see the desperation in his eyes when he _begged_ me to cum? After I had went home last night, I lay in my bed until I couldn’t resist the urge anymore. I slid my hand into my panties and remembered those sounds, how he looked, as I brought myself to a powerful orgasm.

I had masturbated thinking about Spencer Reid. That probably wasn’t as earth shattering as I was making it out to be; but I didn’t do those sorts of things. I didn’t do this shit with someone I work with…someone who has some form of power over any part of my life. I wasn’t vulnerable; I was never vulnerable.

“Y/n,” his voice cracked on the last letter of my name. “I…I wanted to talk about yesterday.”

“I figured.” I kept my tone light. Despite my complicated feelings about the situation, I really did care about Spencer. I knew that for certain. Seeing him nervous, squirming, and desperate yesterday was one of the sexiest moments of my life. Seeing him nervous, squirming, and desperate today was different; it made my heart squeeze.

He gave me a smile. “I know we didn’t…talk about things before or after. But…I wanted to thank you.”

I quirked an eyebrow at him, earning a beautiful flush rising on the apples of his cheeks. “No, not about that,” his voice squeaked out, furthering my amusement. “I meant for staying with me. Last night. You could have left after we were…done. But you didn’t. You knew I needed to be close to you…and you stayed with me.” Dr. Reid finally stopped fidgeting, his words less rushed, but still tinged in nervousness. “No matter what happens after this, that meant a lot to me. So, thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me for knowing you needed aftercare, Spencer.”

“Yes, I do.” Those three words made my breath stutter. Did he know? Did he know how scared I was? Could he tell how badly I wanted to run from the feelings he brought up in me? Knowing my luck, probably.

“You’re welcome, Pretty Boy.” Spencer smiled at the nickname, but I could tell he wasn’t done. Thanking me wasn’t the only reason he’d pulled me in here. I decided to speak before he got the chance to again. “Can I ask you a question?” When he nodded, I asked what I had wanted to know since the moment I met him. “Are you a virgin, Spencer?”

He must have known it was coming; he tried to keep his face impassive, but I could see the embarrassment in his micro expressions. “No, y/n. I’m not a virgin…” _Not super convincing, Doc._ “I’m really not,” he gave a small huff of amusement. “I’ve had sex before…just not a lot.”

 _There is it._ “What is not a lot?”

My boy shifted his weight from foot to foot then. “I had sex for the first time when I was 24, right after I joined the Bureau. I’ve went on a few dates since then…It’s lead to some…stuff, but it’s never gone that far again.”

“So, you’ve had sex with one person? Was that a woman or a man?”

“She was a woman.” I loved that he didn’t seem offended at the question. Spencer didn’t put on airs of hypermasculinity; I wonder if he had ever given any thought to his sexuality, or if he just accepted that it was what it was.

“Okay. Have you ever thought about having sex with a man?” This wasn’t relevant, I was just curious.

Spencer licked his lips; I could tell this conversation required a lot of courage from him. “Yes. I’ve been asked out…I’ve went on two dates with men.” He smiled when my eyebrows rose in surprise. “I’ve kissed men, but men are…they’re so aggressive. At least the ones I have been interested in.”

“Is aggression bad?”

“No,” he went on quickly. “It’s not, usually. I just…I don’t pick up on cues very well. I didn’t feel…safe with them. I was attracted to them, and I wanted to have sex with them…but I didn’t want to do that unless I felt like the person cared about me.” His voice shook, but his eyes never left mine, even as his fingers began to fidget with the end of his tie. “With you…yesterday, I knew you wouldn’t hurt me. I knew you’d…you’d stop if I wanted you to. And you made me feel like it was okay.” _Fuck, why does he do this to my heart?_ “You made it feel like exploring my sexuality was okay. With you.”

I took a step towards him then; I couldn’t stop myself. He was the sun, lighting up the entire room, and I was just a mere mortal that wanted to stand in his light. I raised my hand to cup his cheek, gazing up at him; he was so tall, so much taller than me. “Exploring your sexuality _is_ okay, Doc.” My voice was firm, leaving no room for debate. “It’s important to feel safe with the people you explore it with. You should never do something that makes you uncomfortable or with a person that doesn’t care about you. I’m honored that you saw that in me.”

He wanted to kiss me; I knew he did, I could see it in his eyes…but he didn’t. I don’t know if it was because we were at work or because he was afraid that I would reject him. I wouldn’t have. His hand came up to cover my own, pulling it down from his face so he could lace his fingers through mine. Just like my kissing him, it wasn’t lost on me that holding my hand was significant to him.

“I know we didn’t talk about it,” he said quietly. “I don’t want to do anything that would make you uncomfortable. We work together…but, I like you. I trust you. And…if you wanted- if you’re okay with it…I’d like to explore what we talked about yesterday. With you.”

I knew he would want to. Who wouldn’t want to explore the unknown? Especially a curious man like my Dr. Reid? Despite all of that, my heart couldn’t help but swell at his declaration. I loved being dominant in the bedroom. I found that amount of control arousing beyond belief, and I’d never say otherwise. But there was something about the trust that my submissive put in me that fulfilled a different part of me. To be trusted like this…It was something so important and it triggered a feeling of pride in myself. I was worthy of their trust.

I squeezed his hand. “Okay, Doc.” He looked so fucking hopeful. “We can discuss it. This is the unsexy part of any BDSM dynamic. We have to talk…a lot. Communication is what makes this work.” _And I do want this to work,_ which was terrifying. “I want you to take some time to think about this,” I hurried on when it looked like he’d interrupt me. “You need to do some research, Doc. I want you to look at things and decide what or how you want to proceed. Or if you even want to proceed. If you change your mind, that is okay.” _He needs to know that._ “Then we can have a discussion and go from there.”

Spencer nodded, seeming more comfortable now that he had a task to focus on. “What about work?”

“That’s an important thing to talk about too. Obviously, we can’t do anything obvious _at_ work. There are cameras everywhere. And we need to focus on cases.” He made a noise of agreement. “We need to talk about what works for us. If you’re open to playing together when we’re on a case in certain settings, like back at our hotel, if you want this to be a monogamous dynamic, signals, safe words, and how we establish when a scene starts.”

His eyebrows were so high I was worried they’d disappear into his hairline. “O-okay.”

I smiled. “Good. Think it over; you know where I’ll be.”

\--

Again, just because you expect something doesn’t mean you’re ready for it. I expected Spencer to want to talk to me again; but I wasn’t ready for the text message that popped up on my phone at 6:03 pm.

“ _I’d like to talk whenever you are free.”_

A normal person wouldn’t have been able to do the required research in just 40 minutes, which was the maximum amount of time he could have been home for; but Spencer Reid wasn’t a normal person.

Which is why I text Emily and Garcia some lame excuse about backing out of girl’s night before I told Spencer I was free tonight.

“ _Are you sure? You don’t have to cancel girl’s night.”_

Fucking profilers with eidetic memories. “ _I’d rather do this. I’ll see you in 20.”_

\--

I raised my hand to knock on his door but felt myself pause before my knuckles connected to the wood.

 _What the fuck am I doing?_ It was a valid question. It wasn’t too late to back out…but it was also far too late to back out. Before my fingers could decide if they wanted to knock or not, the door in question swung open to reveal the curly headed man that plagued my thoughts.

He was in the same clothes he wore to work that day, only his tie was missing, the first few buttons of his shirt undone. Spencer’s hair always looked like he just woke up, his curls having a mind of their own and he couldn’t be bothered to tame them. They looked different right now; it was like he had been running his hands through his hair.

I offered him a smile. “Hi, Doc.”

“Hi, y/n.” With a smile of his own, he waved an arm, ushering me into the apartment. It didn’t look any different than it had yesterday, not really. It just _felt_ different. I walked over to his couch, just like I had yesterday. I sat on the same cushion, just like I had yesterday. Everything just felt so different.

Spencer sat beside me, just like yesterday. “I feel bad about making you cancel girl’s night.”

“Don’t. You didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to do, Doc.” I pushed my hair behind my ear; a nervous habit I hope he hadn’t picked up on quite yet. “I want to be here.”

“I want you to be here too.”

_It’s unprofessional to swoon, y/n. Get it together._

I mentally shook myself. “Right. So, where do you want to start.”

“Why do you hold your submissives at such a distance?” he licked his lips; he was nervous, but his gaze never dropped from mine. “I respect you and your decisions, but I would really like to understand.” 

“…Well, that’s certainly a place to start,” I gave an awkward chuckle. He didn’t return my amusement. My curious boy really wanted to know. “I told you, I got my heart broken. That’s it.” 

His eyes narrowed. “I don’t want to pressure you,” his voice was so fucking earnest. “I just…I don’t understand. I want to understand. You don’t have to tell me everything, but please don’t lie to me.”

Shame washed over me; I had been stressing how important open and honest communication is and here I am avoiding something because it makes me uncomfortable. This had never been an issue before; none of my previous subs had ever wanted to know. But how could I even explain how embarrassed I was? How stupid I had been? How I gave someone my entire heart when I didn’t even know the kind of person he really was? _How could I explain the choices a 22-year-old girl made?_

“You’re right, Spence,” I took a deep breath. “Trust is important. I won’t lie to you; but please understand that I’m not comfortable talking about it right now. I’ve never talked about it with anyone.” I reached out for his hand, holding it softly in mine. “It’s not that I don’t want you, I just…haven’t done that with anyone in such a long time.”

He didn’t understand, hell, I didn’t even understand, but he accepted what I said…for now, anyway. “Okay,” he squeezed my hand. “We don’t have to do that, and you don’t have to talk about it until you’re ready.”

My mouth couldn’t help but turn up into a smile. _This man._ “Thank you.” I let go of his hand, clasping both of mine together and putting them in my lap. I wanted to touch him, but I needed him to not feel any pressure from me for the next part of our conversation. “Now, we need to talk about limits and expectations.” He began shifting in his seat. “I know it’s uncomfortable, but this is all part of it. I assume you’ve done some research, so tell me about what interests you and what doesn’t.”

My boy looked so unsure of himself; he was bearing such a vulnerable part of himself to me, and he was frightened. But no matter how afraid he was, my boy was also brave. “I-…I don’t have any real frame of reference. I’d like to experiment with some things before I decide if it’s a hard limit for me or not.” I nodded in an attempt to encourage him. “I don’t want extreme pain. Or things that are…unsanitary.”

I laughed. “I never expected any different.”

Maybe my laugh relaxed him; he didn’t seem quite as tense as he went on. “I’d like to…touch you, when you allow it. I’ve never…really done anything with a woman outside of just penetration. I know the basics of how to…I just would like to do those things. With you. If you ever felt comfortable.” I’m almost positive I was blushing now. Spencer Reid, Dr. Spencer Reid, pride of the BAU wanted to do things to please me; and I was tempted to let him. _Who would have thought?_ “You don’t have to decide now…but the moment you feel comfortable, I’m ready.” His eyes ran up and down my body, I could see his throat work when he swallowed. “I’m really ready.”

After a beat he went on, “Beyond that, I’m interested in being restrained. I like the idea of choking…but I’m nervous about it. The idea of giving up control and following order is what fascinates me. I…I also wanted to tr-try what you mentioned. In Nebraska.”

 _As I live and breathe._ “Spencer, are you asking me to fuck you?” He knew what I meant; I could see it in the way he bit his lip. “Do you want me tie you to my bed and make you beg for me to fuck your ass?”

He tried to disguise that whimper, but I fucking _heard_ it. “I-I…It’s not uncommon for men to like that sort of stimulation, given that-“

I raised my hand, placing a finger on his lips before I broke my own rules again. I leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on his full pink lips. “No shame here, pretty boy. None at all, especially with me.” He watched my mouth move, his posture becoming less tense. “I’d love to fuck you. Pegging a man is something I found arousing, Spencer. The thought of doing it to you turns me on. We can work up to it.”

The smile he gave me was so hesitant and _sweet._ “Okay.” He waited a minute before he went on. “I know that you don’t always orgasm with your subs…you don’t let them make you cum. I don’t want to pressure you, or make you uncomfortable, but I really, _really_ want to make you cum.” I clinched my thighs together. _Jesus fucking Christ._ “If you’re comfortable, I’d like for you…for that to be part of what we do together. You’re so beautiful when you cum, y/n. I thought about it last night after you went home. I thought about how you taste…I really want to taste you again.”

 _Fuck._ I really wanted him to taste me again too.


	5. Are you jealous, Doctor?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team has a case that takes them to Illinois. Our favorite boy wonder gets jealous and challenges Reader. So, she decides to show him who is really in charge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In celebration of my 1 week of writing again, I am giving you chapter 5 a day early. Chapter 6 is still scheduled for Saturday. (Mostly because I haven’t written it all yet.)  
> Chapter 5 is my favorite so far. I hope you love it as much as I do...because things only escalate in chapter 6. 😇

_I don’t resent my job,_ I repeated mentally for the thousandth time. _I don’t resent my job. I am not upset. I am happy to be here to help people in need._ I didn’t even sound very convincing in my own mind. I had known it was too good to be true. I finally had Dr. Reid right where I wanted him…when both of our phone chimed with the same text message. “ _Avengers, ASSEMBLE.”_ But it’s fine that we’re sitting on the jet at 10 pm headed to the Midwest. _Keep telling yourself that, y/n._ Serial killers were such cock blocks.

The ding from the computer on the small table signaled Garcia’s digital arrival. “Hello my loves!” Her sunshine personality would not be dampened by our sleepy grumbles. Or sexually frustrated grumbles, in my case; and from the way Dr. Reid kept sneaking glances at me, I suspected his too.

“What do we know so far?” Hotch ask, cutting right to business. If he was tired, he certainly didn’t show it. I’m still not even sure if he’s human.

“The Illinois state police say that our 5th victim is named Sarah Gossman. She was a 32-year-old middle school teacher. Reported missing by her husband, Ralph, two days ago. Locals didn’t realize she was connected to the other victims until her body was found 2 hours ago.”

Hotch nodded, scanning the open file in front of him. “How were they able to connect them, Penelope?” David Rossi, the grandfather of the BAU questioned.

Garcia cringed. “They found the same wound on her shoulder blade. A square of her skin was missing.”

“It’s an interesting signature,” Spencer interjected. “The edges look jagged. Almost like the blade was serrated.”

“That’s what the M.E.’s thought too.”

“Babygirl, do they know if it’s the same knife that was used in the other murders?”

For a moment all that was heard was the clicking of her keys. “That is the suspicion, my beautiful chocolate sculpture of perfection.” I snorted at that one; every once in a while, their flirting quips got me. “They need the knife to be sure.”

“Thanks Garcia,” Hotch said before ending the video call. “Alright, if this unsub holds to pattern, he is going to take his next victim before 10 am tomorrow morning.”

“We might not be able to stop it,” Prentiss said. “But we can get her back. He keeps them for at least 36 hours.”

Hotch nodded. “Get some sleep if you can; it’s gonna be a long night.”

\--

I jumped when I felt a hand on my shoulder; my fear evaporating when I turned and saw it was just JJ. “Hey,” she said softly. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” I said with a yawn that I couldn’t muffle. “I just feel like I’m stuck in a swamp, you know?” She nodded. “How he’s choosing them will be how we find him. How we find her.”

True to pattern, the unsub took his next victim the following morning after the body of Sarah Gossman was found. Alicia Sheldon, 31, was reported missing by her mother just after 10 am this morning. We had no proof that she was with our unsub outside of the profile; but we all knew that the clock was ticking if we wanted to bring her home alive.

JJ nodded, reading over my shoulder. “Narrowing down when can help too. Any luck?”

“Not really,” I sighed, closing my eyes. “I don’t think he does it at night, though. Garcia was able to see the activity for Alicia’s phone before she was taken. She replied to a text message at 4:45 am this morning.”

“Jesus Christ, that’s early.”

“What’s early?” Emily Prentiss asked as she walked into the conference room, Derek following after her.

“4:45 am is early,” I supplied. “Alicia replied to a text at that time.”

“Do we know if it was her?” That voice came from someone I hadn’t laid eyes on yet. He must have followed Derek and Prentiss in. Dr. Reid was staring at me intently, his shirt wrinkled, glassed perched on the bridge of his nose. Even like this he was so pretty it almost hurt to look at him. “Could the unsub have answered the text message to throw off suspicion?”

“I don’t think so, Doc.” I pointed at the evidence board where her most recent text messages and emails had been printed and tacked up. “Her text seemed personal. Not too much detail. It was sent to her best friend; unless the unsub was stalking her, there isn’t a way he would know that.”

Spencer nodded, walking around the table until he came to rest in front of the board. “Why would she be up so early…” His posture stiffened. _What do you have, baby? What do you see?_ He turned and hit the phone that was in the center of the table.

“Speak and be heard.”

“Garcia, can we determine what time the last digital activity any of the women had was? We need to determine if they were all taken in the early morning hours.”

Morgan commented, “What are you thinking, Kid?”

Spencer didn’t answer, Garica spoke first. “Victim one and three are a no go; but victims 2 and 4 both had some digital dealings before 5 am the days they were reported missing, but they were all still at home according to the GPS on their phones.”

“Again, I say, Jesus that’s early.”

I nodded at JJ. “Right. Who wakes up that early?”

“Someone with a strict routine,” Spencer said, his eyes never straying from the paper in front of him. “Garcia, did all of the victims have gym memberships?”

“Yeah, but to different gyms.”

Reid looked like he had just won the lottery. “What if all the women were on their way to the gym when he grabbed them? They all look athletic but have hectic schedules; it might be the only time they can fit it in. It’s still dark, but it’s technically morning. The women might feel safer. We didn’t connect it right away because victims 2, 3 and 4 lived alone, no one knew their routines. He lies in wait and then grabs them, stuffing them into their own cars and driving off.” He was speaking rapidly at this point. “That could be why no one has found their cars yet. He has them.”

“Oh shit,” I muttered. “We need to see if the gyms have outside cameras.”

“Already on it, crimefighters.”

\--

The unsub had left his car in parking lots adjacent to the gyms were the women were abducted for almost 2 days each time.

He thought he was smart; Spencer Reid was smarter.

“Hey,” a voice called from behind me. I turned to come face to face with a local deputy. He was a bit taller than me, stocky build, blonde hair that was cropped close to his scalp. “Good work out there today, Agent.”

“Thanks. You too, Deputy.” I turned, continuing to pack up my files. I was ready to go to the hotel and get some fucking sleep. Our jet was set to head out at 8 am the following morning. I’d gotten some sleep Saturday night; the team had gone back to the hotel in shifts while we continued searching for the unsub. But now it was Sunday afternoon and the exhaustion was starting to wear on me.

He cleared his throat, wanting my full attention again. “I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go for a drink?” _Oh no._

I smiled at him, trying to be polite. “Oh, thanks for the offer but I’m really tired and we fly out early tomorrow.”

Deputy Douche didn’t like that one bit. He stepped forward, placing a hand on my upper arm. “Well, it doesn’t have to be a drink,” his smirk made my lips want to curl up in a snarl. “I can meet you back at your hotel and we can break in that bed together.”

 _Oh gross._ I jerked my arm out of his grip. “No, thanks.” I turned my back to him.

He looked miffed but had the sense to not make a grab for me again. I felt his fingers brush over the end of my hair as he leaned in. “Let me know if you change your mind,” he whispered. He slid a piece of paper on the desk before he turned and finally left me alone.

 _Gross._ I threw the paper in the trash.

My attention was so focused on finishing up so I could escape before Deputy Douche came back that I didn’t notice Spencer watching me from across the precinct with a deep frown on his pretty face.

\--

I was unbuttoning my shirt when I heard a firm knock on my hotel room door. “Come the fuck _on_ ,” I whined. Leaving the two buttons undone I went to the door, expecting to see Hotch, given how sharp that knock was. It wasn’t Hotch. It was my boy looking angrier than I’d ever seen him.

He shoved through the doorway, making his way into my room. Luckily, we all had separate rooms this time. “Well, come on in,” I muttered before I shut the door.

Spencer was fuming. “What the fuck was that?”

I blinked. “What the fuck was what?”

His hands balled into fists at his side. “At the police station. With that Deputy.”

Maybe it was how tired I was, but none of this was clicking. “Deputy Douche? You saw that?”

“Yeah, I fucking saw that,” he scoffed. “I saw him touching you. Flirting with you.”

“Right.” _Right?_

Wrong, apparently, because that did nothing to dampen his anger. “Why did you let him touch you?”

It clicked then, right at that exact moment I saw what was beneath his anger. “Spencer…are you _jealous?_ ” I knew it wasn’t the best idea to laugh but I really couldn’t help it. The idea was so ludicrous to me. Morgan didn’t call Spencer ‘Pretty Boy’ for no reason. On top of being one of the most brilliant people in the world he was also the most gorgeous person I had ever seen. His bone structure alone was enough to make most women do a double take. The thought that I would choose to spend my evening with the Deputy…over Dr. Spencer Reid? _Yeah, no._

His cheeks burned pink, but he held his ground. “You said we were monogamous.”

 _Oh, hold up._ I barked out a laugh. “No,” I corrected. “I said we could _talk_ about monogamy in our dynamic, if you wanted to continue.” I felt my anger rise so quickly. “You have a fucking eidetic memory, baby. You know what I said.” _Plus, I can’t control who flirts with me, dickbag_ , I thought, chosing not to say it out loud.

His anger matched mine. “I thought it was understood!”

“Nothing is understood until we talk about it, Doc.”

“Don’t call me that, not right now.”

 _Bad move, baby._ “Oh, so you think you give the orders, Doc?” I made sure to put a lot of emphasis on the last letter in an attempt to rile him up further.

It worked because no sooner had the words left my mouth than his body _slammed_ into mine. His mouth sealed over my lips in an angry kiss, his tongue demanding entry to my mouth, his hands tangled in my hair, holding me to him.

I was so lost for a moment; I hadn’t felt this in so long. For years my relationships were in perfect control, nothing unexpected. Who knew Dr. Reid would be the one that broke that pattern?

 _I hope you’re ready for this._ My right hand grabbed the hair at the back of his head, tugging hard. His mouth broke away from mine with a yelp, but my left hand came up to hold his face, forcing his lips to pucker. “What do you think you’re doing?”

He looked scared for just a moment. _Come on, baby. You can do it._ Enlightenment washed over his face as he whimpered out, “I’m sorry.”

I tugged his hair again, only this time he moaned softly at the sensation. “You’re sorry _what?”_

“I-I’m sorry, Miss.” He licked his lips, looking more unsure than scared now.

Despite how fast my heart was beating, and how blown his pupils were, I couldn’t move forward until he understood. Spencer needed to understand the rules of a situation to feel comfortable. “We don’t have to do this, baby,” my voice was a whisper; somehow my serious tone didn’t manage to break the tension that hung around us.

“I want to,” his voice was hushed, urgent. “I trust you, y/n. And I feel so…I don’t know what this feeling is.”

I rubbed my thumb over his cheek, brushing over his bottom lip. “I know, sweet boy. I’ve got you.” I pressed a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Green, yellow, and red,” I said knowing he’d understand what I meant. “There’s no shame here, pretty boy. I will not be upset with you if you need to use a safe word. It doesn’t mean our relationship ends, just this scene.” He nodded quickly. “I need your words, baby.”

“Yes Miss,” his voice was breathy, but his eyes were steady.

I smirked at him. “Good boy.” My hand tightened in his hair. “You’ll be a good boy for me, won’t you Dr. Reid?”

“Y-yes Miss.” I had guessed that the honorific would be a turn on for him, and judging by the whimper that followed his words, it looks like I was right.

“Take your clothes off and lay down in the center of the bed,” I released him, backing away to put as much space between us as I could. “Wait for me. You’re not allowed to touch yourself.” Honey brown eyes met mine, he wasn’t confused anymore. All that I saw reflecting in those eyes was desire.

I walked around him, never turning to look at him, and I headed into the bathroom. I finished taking off my shirt. I ran a brush through my hair. I did any tiny little task I could think of; I wanted him to wait.

The thing about BDSM dynamics that most people don’t understand is that no relationship is the same. The punishments that made one submissive tremble wouldn’t be effective on another. Anticipation would make Spencer squirm; I was sure of it. I had given Dr. Reid a lot of thought since our first conversation. I needed to understand what desires drove him if I was going to be able to bring him to the heights I wanted to.

Looking in the mirror, I puffed out a big breath. Truth be told, part of me being in the bathroom was to build anticipation for Spencer…but, part of it was because I was afraid. Even before tonight I had decided that my nervous boy deserved more than I gave the average sub. I cared about all my submissives to a point but, Dr. Spencer Reid was different. Maybe it’s because he had already held my life in his hands for almost a year; that made it easier…hell, it made it _possible_ to trust him with this.

Squaring my shoulders, I turned and walked out of the bathroom. The main room was lit only by a lamp on the bedside table, covering our little world in a soft glow. I stalked slowly towards the bed, my eyes dragging up, up, up, until I saw him. He had followed my directions; I realized this was the first time I had ever seen him completely naked. He was beautiful, so beautiful. He wasn’t as scrawny as he looked to be with his clothes on. His body was covered in lean, toned muscles. He had no hair on his chest, giving him a slightly delicate appearance in my eyes; I wanted to mark that chest with scratches from my nails and bruises from my mouth. His cock laid against his thigh, half hard already. Like the good boy I knew him to be, his arms were at his side, hands balled into tight fists.

I reached for the button of my pants, undoing them slowly, my eyes never left Spencer’s. Once my pants were off, leaving me in just my bra and panties, I placed a knee on the bed. I was careful not to touch him while I crawled up the bed to kneel beside him. Spencer’s eyes bounced all over my body, his hands clinched and relaxing. My boy didn’t know what was to come and waiting for it was _agonizing._

I reached out my hand to him, allowing my fingers to barely brush his arm. I trailed them up then down again and again. “Tell me why you came here tonight,” his eyes searched my face, still looking so vulnerable. “Why did you come to my door, Spencer?”

He licked his lips. “I-I was mad.”

My touch became firmer, a sort of reward for his honesty. I let my fingers wonder up to his collarbone, over his chest. “Why were you mad, Dr. Reid?”

The whimper that slipped from his lips when I called him Dr. Reid was music to my ears. His hips were shifting on the bed, he was fully hard now.

“Because he touched you.”

I moved to swing my leg over his body, straddling his abdomen, careful not to touch his cock, not yet. “And why were you mad that he touched me?” I whispered.

“He can’t touch you,” his voice was breathy but firm. “You’re mine.”

**_Slap._ **

He looked startled when my open palm connected with his cheek. It wasn’t as hard as I wanted; I was still unsure.   
“No, Dr. Reid. I’m not yours. You are _mine.”_ I leaned over him, my arms going to either side of his head to cage him in. “Do you understand?”

In the way that Spencer knew everything, he knew what I was really asking. His voice was no more than a whisper. “Green.”

I offered him a small smile. Then I lifted my hand to grab on to his face again. “I asked you if you understand, Dr. Reid?”

Spencer nodded quickly. “Yes Miss, I understand.”

I released his face before moving off the bed again. “You’ve been a very naughty boy, Spencer.” I gave him a frown as my hands reached behind my back to undo my bra, letting it slide down my arms. Spencer licked his lips, his fists becoming tighter. “I’m very disappointed in you, baby.”

“I-I’m sorry, Miss.” His voice was dry as he stumbled over his words.

“Are you, Dr. Reid?” I asked as my thumbs hooked into the waist band of my panties. “Are you really sorry?” Wiggling them down my hips, I let them drop to the floor before I stepped out of them.

“Yes. Yes, Miss. I’m so sorry.”

I crawled onto the bed, sitting back with my legs underneath me, letting my hands run up and down the skin of my thigh. “They’re pretty words, Dr. Reid, but I don’t know if I believe you.” I tilted my head to the side, bringing both my hands to my stomach, inching them up to my breasts. I let out a moan when I finally reach my destination, massaging my breasts, twisting my nipples while Spencer watched. I heard him whimper, causing a smile to tug at my lips. _You’re doing so well, baby._ I raised my body up so I was on my knees; I spread my thighs slightly, letting one of my hands drop to the apex of my thighs. Spencer watched so closely I’m not sure he even blinked when I dipped one finger inside the place that ached for him. I moved my finger in and out, biting my lip while I watched him.

After a moment I removed my finger, surprising him by bringing it to his mouth. “Open.” He obeyed instantly, his cheeks hollowing out as he sucked on my finger. “I wonder what else I could make you suck on.” I withdrew my finger from his mouth, bringing it back to my pussy. “How are you going to prove that you’re sorry, Dr. Reid? What are you going to do for me?”

His voice was filled with longing and hunger. “Anything, miss, I’ll do anything.”

I smirked, moving closer to him. Bracing my hands on either side of his body, I swung my leg over his torso, keeping on my knees so I didn’t touch him. Not yet. “Anything, huh?” He nodded quickly; his eyes fixed on my pussy.

I moved one hand to the headboard, the other moved to touch those beautiful curls of his, pulling hard enough to get another moan from him. “If you really want to apologize, Dr. Reid, maybe you can put that pretty little mouth of yours to better use?” I applied a tiny bit of pressure to his head.

He looked confused for a second, his eyes were wide in surprise, like he couldn’t believe what I was asking him to do. _He probably can’t,_ I thought.

“What’s the matter, baby?” I teased. “Do you not want me to put my pussy on your face? You don’t want me to fuck your tongue?”

“No, no!” He whispered hurriedly. “I want that more than anything Miss.”

“Good boy.” I think he felt the significance of this moment too. “I’ll forgive you if you can make me cum before I get bored of you.” I smirked down at him. “What do you think about that Dr. Reid? Can you make me cum all over your pretty little face?”

“Yes, Miss.”

“Open your mouth.” I leaned over, putting my mouth closer to his, making it clear what I was going to do before I spit into his mouth. “Swallow it.” He swallowed obediently without any hesitation. _Noted._

“Okay, Dr. Reid. I’ll take that apology now.”

He moved so _fast_. His hands hooked on the backs of my thighs, pulling me up his body while also pushing himself down the bed. My pussy was hovering over his mouth, he licked his lips, his fingers flexing on my thighs. He looked so desperate for me…but still so unsure. “Go ahead, baby,” I whisper, pulling on his hair hard enough to make him whimper.

With that, he gripped my hips and pulled me to his mouth. I felt his tongue move through my folds, gathering the wetness that pooled there. He moaned so loudly, pulling my hips down further, bringing my pussy closer to his face.

It had been _so_ long since I’d felt this. I hadn’t let anyone touch me like this in years; it was so much better than I remembered, but that may have just been because it was Spencer doing it.

“Ugh,” I moan, starting to rock my hips. “Fuck, baby.” I pulled his hair, tugging hard enough that I knew it hurt. “I’m already getting bored, Dr. Reid, and you just started. You can do better than that.”

I wasn’t ready, not even a bit, for his lips locking around my clit. He flicked it with his tongue, then circled it, trying to find the method that made me groan and grind my pussy down on his mouth.

“That’s more like it, Dr. Reid,” I said, earning another moan from him. “I knew there had to be a better use for this smart mouth.” My hips started rocking faster, his fingers were digging into my flesh. “What would the team say if they knew about what a dirty boy you are, Dr. Reid?” His tongue speed up, causing me to shudder. I bit my lip so hard I felt real pain. I didn’t want him to hear me moan; he hadn’t earned it yet. “What would they say if they heard Dr. Reid _beg_ me to fuck his face? You’re always such a good boy, baby. But you’re not the good boy they think you are. You’re _my_ good boy.”

My hips were moving more rapidly; Spencer hadn’t slowed his pace at all, almost like he could feel how close I was. What I had planned would be hard for me…but I knew it would be torture for him. After a few moments, when I felt my pussy spasm with the telltale signs of my impending orgasm, I gripped his hands and pulled them from me while I lifted my hips.

His mouth was red, wet, and his lips were swollen. His face morphed from one of bliss to one of confusion. “Wha-“

I moved away from him. “That was really the best you could do, Dr. Reid?” He bit into his lip, he looked almost embarrassed as his eyes moving down to my pussy.

“Please, Miss,” he begged. “Please let me finish. You taste so good. You were so close, I felt it.”

I chuckled, “Oh you felt it, huh?” I reached between my thighs, gathering some of my wetness, then moved that same hand to grip Spencer’s cock. At that first touch he let out a strangled sound that was almost a scream; _my poor boy is so sensitive._ I gave him a few pumps before I removed my hand.

“Miss, _please._ ”

“You didn’t make me cum, Dr. Reid,” I said sweetly. “What makes you think you’ve earned my touch?” I moved my fingers back to my clit, rubbing slow circles, still so, _so_ close. “Touch yourself.” He obeyed immediately, his eyes never leaving my fingers that were swirling around the place his mouth had just been. “I want you to touch yourself like you do when you’re at home in bed, Dr. Reid. Back when you still felt _so_ guilty, but you just couldn’t help it…because I know you thought about me when you touched yourself long before Nebraska.”

His eyes shot up to meet mine; it was hard to tell if his flushed face got a little pinker in the dim light of the room. “You don’t need to deny it, baby.” My fingers started working faster. “I know. I’ve always known. So, I want you to touch yourself like you did back then. You can do that for me, right baby?”

Hand moving faster and faster now, he gave me another beautiful whimper, “yes Miss.”

“Good boy,” my finger’s slowed. “I said you could touch yourself. I never said you could cum. Stop, Spencer.” I could tell from his breathing that he was so close to the edge. “I said _stop.”_ I reached out to grip his arm tightly, digging my nails into his skin.

Once he had released his cock, I took in his appearance. His stomach muscles kept tensing, his cock was leaking precum steadily now, his dick was an angry red, his teeth were digging into his bottom lip, and I could see the tears of frustration swimming in his eyes.

“Awh, baby,” I cooed, leaning over to put my body above his again; I caressed his cheek softly. “What’s wrong?”

“I-I” the chatter box that was Dr. Spencer Reid was finally speechless.

I lifted my hand off of his face only to bring it back down in a sharp slap. “I asked you a question, Dr. Reid.”

I saw the desperation in his eyes. _I know baby, I know. We’re almost there._

“Please, miss,” his words were so quiet. “I can’t take this anymore. I’m _sorry._ I’m yours.”

He deserved the world. This wonderful man deserved the entire world. “I believe you, Dr. Reid.” I leaned over him then, sealing my lips over his, my tongue stroking into his mouth softly. I felt his hands rise up towards my body only to stop _just_ before they made contact.

He made my heart swell. I pulled my mouth away, looking down at him with an emotion I didn’t want to name shining from my eyes. “You’ve been such a good boy, baby.” I pushed the damp curls off of his forehead. “Such a good boy. I think you deserve something special.” I rose up on my knees, straddling his body again, my hand moving down to my pussy to spread myself open for his eyes. “What would you like more? Do you want me to put my pussy on your pretty face again? I’ll let you cum while you make me cum. I know how badly you need to taste me, Dr. Reid.” I bit my lip at how quickly he nodded his head. “Or, I can let you fuck my mouth. Hold onto my hair and fuck your pretty cock down my throat. Then I’ll let you watch me cum after.” I left a kiss on the tip of his nose.

Dr. Spencer Reid usually made decisions quickly; his mind worked so much quicker than everyone else, but he was struggling here. His eyes met mine, he looked so desperate and lost in a sea of his own desire.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you, baby.” I moved down his body then, trailing kisses down his stomach. I gripped his cock hard in my hand, causing him to moan so loudly I’m sure someone in the neighboring rooms heard him. “Fuck my face, Dr. Reid. I want to watch you come undone.”

Needing no further encouragement, his hands tangled in my hair, tugging the strands so hard it made my eyes water. I opened my mouth over him; he lifted his hips going far deeper into my mouth than he would have done normally. I relaxed my jaw, swallowing around the head of his cock. My eyes were watering too much to watch him, but I _heard_ him.

“Fuck, fuck, _fuck,”_ he chanted, pulling my head down to meet his upward thrust. “You feel so fucking good, y/n. I’m gonna…” he let out a ragged breath. “I’m gonna cum.”

No sooner had the words left his mouth than he came apart. His groan was from deep in his chest and it sounded like my name as he filled my mouth. He slowed his thrusts, but I continued sucking. I needed him to feel every ounce of this.

When his hands finally dropped from my head, I released him. I wiped my eyes and I took him in. He looked so overwhelmed, shattered, and _beautiful._ I moved up the bed, lying beside him and wrapping him in my arms. I peppered his shoulder with kisses. “You did so good, Spencer,” I praised. “So, so good. I’m so proud of you.”

Spencer turned, his hands cupping my jaw while he stared so deep in my eyes. What I saw swirling on the surface of those amber eyes made my heart stop.

“You didn’t cum.” His voice was scratchy.

“I know. It’s okay,” I reassured. “We can take a break. Or you can watch me cum now.” I kept stroking his hair, his body. “Whatever you want, Spencer.”

My core was still throbbing, the sight of his release only pulling me closer to the edge.

His lips lifted in a smirk. “Whatever I want?” he teased.

“Yes.”

He blinked once, then again. He didn’t know quite what to do with my confirmation; but I meant it, in this moment, I was willing to give Spencer Reid anything and everything.

“…Can I make you cum?” he searched my eyes for any sign of hesitation. “I…I want to finish. What I was doing earlier.”

My laugh bubbled out of me. “I just had your cock down my throat but now you can’t ask me if you can make me cum on your face?”

I was still laughing when he leaned forward to kiss me; both of his hand cupping my jaw. There was heat behind this kiss; it brought my simmering arousal back to a giant flame in my lower belly. Heat wasn’t all that was there though. _I can’t think about that._ I couldn’t dwell on what I felt, but I felt it with my entire soul.

Despite what we had just done, this felt different. The scene felt over, his powerful orgasm had shifted the mood in our little bubble. I wasn’t his Miss. He wasn’t my pretty, nervous boy. He was Spencer and I was y/n; and he wanted to make me feel good. He rose over me then, wasting no time on foreplay; he knew I didn’t need it.

He settled between my thighs, his hands wrapping around them, his fingers digging into my skin. With one final look at my face to make sure this was really okay, he put his mouth on me. My back arched and my mouth hung open in a silent scream. Spencer didn’t toy with me; he knew how close I was.

“Spencer, Spencer, _fuck,”_ his eyes opened when my fingers tangled in his hair, my pussy grinding into his face. “I’m so close. Fuck.”

I was so lost I didn’t realize his hand had moved until I felt two fingers enter me, curling expertly. He pumped his fingers and wrapped his lips around my clit, sucking firmly. That was all it took for me to cum for him.

It all happened so quickly I didn’t have time to be scared. He was the first man to make me orgasm in longer than I wanted to admit. I knew the last time I let someone put their mouth on me. It had always felt like a deeply intimate act to me, I was always nervous to let anyone do it.

Spencer rose up, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. _Why is that sexy?_

He laid down beside of me; I’m not sure who’s arms wrapped around who first, but we were clinging to each other, both of us breathing hard.

“So,” I said, after clearing my throat. “What did you think?”

Spencer chuckled, the hot air of his breath puffing against my hair. “I liked it.”

“Yeah?” I pulled back to look at his eyes.

“Mhm,” was his response as he leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on my lips before his mood shifted. “Y/n…I’m sorry I got so mad.” He looked so embarrassed as he said it, as if it wasn’t the sweetest thing in the world that Spencer Reid would care about _me_ like that. “I just…I saw him touching you and I just…” he dropped his gaze. “I know we didn’t talk about monogamy, but I thought- I was just so worrie-“

My finger pressed against his lips. “I don’t want to be with anyone else, Spencer.”

We fell asleep shortly after that. I couldn’t help but wonder if his thoughts felt anything like mine; the irony of it all was I was too afraid to ask.


	6. Dirty Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a long stretch of crimefighting, Reader and Spencer finally get a chance to spend some time together. Reader is ready to give Dr. Reid the proper introduction to female domination and BDSM he asked for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we begin, I wanted to give a small warning. When I started this story, I wanted to give an honest portrayal of BDSM/Femdom. The before, during, and after are equally important. Sub/Dom drop is a very real and emotional thing. But don’t worry, Reader is always there for our nervous boy.

Things started to move so fast after Illinois. We arrived home late Sunday night only to be called back out on Monday morning to assist the Tucson Police with a child abduction. We were finishing up the paperwork when the call came in from Florida about a series of car-jackings that weren’t really car-jackings.

It had been more than 2 weeks since that night in the hotel room, and all I had since then were stolen moments with my Dr. Reid. He sat next to me on the plane sometimes, his hand resting on my thigh when he was certain no one could see. He had placed a kiss on the back of my neck while we were standing in the conference room in Florida. I was surviving on only stolen moments.

Spencer seemed to be happy with our first BDSM experience together, which was a relief to me. I had never had a submissive that was inexperienced before. I felt a great deal of pressure where he was concerned; I knew the toll one bad partner could have on a person.

Some nights Spencer would call me from his hotel room. I would give him instructions on how I wanted him to touch himself; listening to his desperation grow every time he brought himself to the edge and I pulled hm back. We experimented a bit with degradation. Learning the complexities of Spencer Reid was quickly becoming one of my favorite pastimes.

After Florida we made a brief stop in Alabama; Hotch informed us that we were only spending one night here, and that we would be departing at 7:30 am the following morning. Our unit chief also swore that we were going to have the weekend off, no interruptions. _I’ll believe it when I see it,_ was all I could think. Glancing around to the rest of the team, I could see they agreed with me.

We all had separate rooms that night, thankfully. If I had to listen to Emily snore for one more night, I might lose my mind. I wasn’t sure how JJ did it. Coming into my room, I kicked my shoes off and headed for the bed. I pulled my phone out of my bag before I very unceremoniously flopped down on the bed. The pace of the last 2 weeks was starting to wear on me.

I brought up my text messages when there was a hesitant knock on my door. It was just past 8 pm; it was risky, but I knew it had to be Spencer. I hurried towards the door, throwing it open to reveal his sheepish face. Wasting no time, I grabbed him by his shirt and drug him into the room.

“What are you doing?” I hissed. “Someone could have seen you.”

“I’m not allowed to go to my friends room to hang out?”

 _He has a point._ “Well, you never know! It’s better to be safe.”

His full lips turned down into a pout. “I just wanted to spend some time with you. I missed you, y/n.” _Is my heart fluttering like that a sign of a medical problem?_ I wondered. “And not just the…stuff we do. I just…I just missed being with you.”

How could I stay mad at that? “I missed you too, baby.” I took his hand in mine, guiding him over to the bed. He propped up on the pillows beside me, both hands coming up to loosen his tie.

“Can I ask you a question?”

I snorted a bit. “Yeah, Doc, I think you can ask me anything you want at this point.”

“Well,” his cheeks were starting to turn pink. “We’ve been…” _I wonder what he’s gonna call it._ “…serious” _Hmm, that’s fair._ “for almost 4 weeks now, 27 days and 14 hours, give or take, depending on when you wanted to say this started.”

“Get to the point, darling.”

“Right,” he muttered. “Well, we’re supposed to have this weekend off. And I don’t have any plans.” He dropped his eyes to his hands which were twisting nervously. “I understand if you have plans, of course. Or you’re just not in the mood. Statistically speaking, given the time we’ve spent together,” your likely to have your period soon-“

“ _Woah_ ,” I interrupted. “Let’s pump those breaks, Doc.” Spencer looked horrified that he had rambled on so much and equally relieved that I had stopped him. “First of all, I have an IUD. I don’t get my period very often.” _I can’t believe he’s talking about my period._ “And second, the only plans I have this weekend involve grocery shopping and laundry.”

“Oh,” he said quietly. “Me too.”

I pulled my lips together between my teeth to try and suppress my smile. “Are you asking about my weekend plans because you’re interested in being a part of them? Or just out of curiosity?” _Come on, Doc. All you have to do is ask me._

“I was-I was wondering if you wanted to spend some time together this weekend? If you’re not busy.”

 _My sweet, sweet boy._ I stretched my body up, bringing my lips to his. I brushed my mouth over his in a very sweet and unhurried kiss. “No, Doc. I’m not busy.” I felt his lips smile against my own. “And maybe we can try some new things if you’re interested.”

“I’m more than interested in everything related to you,” he breathed against my lips.

\--

It was decided that Spencer would come to my apartment Saturday in the early evening. I left the exact time up to him, in case he had anything he needed to do on this rare weekend off.

It was around 2 pm when my phone chimed with a text message from him.

_“What time is okay for me to come over?”_

I laughed out loud; I should have expected this. “ _Whenever you want, Doc.”_

His response was immediate, which was also rare. “ _Can I come over now?”_

“ _Sure, Doc. But I want you to bring something with you.”_

\--

I pulled open the door a short time later to find a very nervous looking Spencer Reid. Even out of work, he was still dressed the same as always. He had dark slacks on, a navy shirt, and a cardigan, he had forgone the tie today, and he was clutching the strap of his messenger bag for dear life.

“Hi, Doc,” I greeted him with a huge smile before waving him in.  
I saw him taking inventory of my apartment. From the art on the walls, to the rug on the floor, to the books on the bookshelf. “You need a bigger bookshelf,” he said at last.

He wasn’t wrong. “I suppose I do. But not all of us can have a whole wall as a bookshelf, Doc.” I put my hand on his arm, pulling him into my living room, then down onto my couch. His entire body was tense, his eyes moving around nervously. I leaned closer, putting my hand on the side of his face, drawing his gaze to meet mine.

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” I reminded him.

“I want to do this. I do.” He swallowed nervously, flexing his fingers. “I just…I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s going to happen. And I don’t want to mess up. And I’m so nervous that I’ll do something wrong.”

I leaned forward, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Hey, hey. Take a breath. I’m serious. Take a deep breath.”

He rolled his eyes but complied.

“Spencer, I don’t expect you to just come in here and jump into a world that you’ve never been a part of before. I’m nervous too.”

That had his eyes widening. “You are? But why? You know what you’re doing.”

 _It doesn’t feel like I do._ “Every person is different, Spencer, and I haven’t cared about a submissive the way I care about you in a long time.” My boy smiled at that. “Before we do anything, we’re going to let you get comfortable. I’m not going to do anything that we haven’t already discussed. If you feel uncomfortable, say “yellow” and I will pull back. If you don’t want to do anything more, say “red” and we will stop right then.”

He bit his full bottom lip, his eyes widening as he continued to meet my gaze. “I don’t want to disappoint you.”

 _Just when I think my heart can’t possibly handle another crack in it._ I cupped his jaw in both of my hands. “You could never disappoint me, Spencer. Never.” I said the words with 100% sincerity and honesty. It was true. “Even if you decide this isn’t what you want and you walk out right now, I’ll never be disappointed.” If he left right now I would feel a lot of things, but disappointment in _him_ wouldn’t be one of them.

“Okay,” he breathed. “Can…Can I kiss you now? I don’t know-“

I leaned closer, my lips hovering millimeters from his own. “Yes,” I whispered. “You can kiss me.”

His lips were tender as they brushed mine. It was like nothing we had done previously mattered, my nervous boy was still so afraid, but still so desperate and _so_ curious.

I pulled back right as his tongue flicked over the seam of my mouth, resting my forehead against his. “Let’s not get carried away,” I chuckled. “I still need to talk to you.”

Spencer sat back, his hands folded on his lap, looking at me expectantly.

 _Forever the eager student._ “The scene begins when I send you into the bedroom alone. It ends when you cum. That can always change, if you decide you want it to stop.” He _needed_ to know that. “Since this is your first experience, I want you to be prepared for some pretty intense emotions once we’re done, I promise I’ll be right here with you to get you through anything, should you feel it.” My boy’s eyes were wide, but he nodded. _Still so trusting._ “I’ll be using toys on you this time. I ordered them a few weeks ago and they’ve all been sterilized.”

His brow quirked at that. “You had to buy them?”

It was impossible to contain my laugh. “I didn’t think you’d be okay with toys that had been used on other people, no matter how well I sterilized them.”

The horrified expression on his face did nothing to help me suppress my laughter.

“Anyway,” I went on, still attempting to get myself under control. “I have various sizes for different things. I assume you’ve never done any sort of anal play on your own?”

 _There’s that blush._ “No, y/n, I haven’t. Does that matter?”

“No, sweet boy, not in the way you think. I just want to make sure you’re comfortable. So, we will start with smaller sizes. If you decide you like it, we’ll work up to bigger ones. Or if you like the small ones, we can stick with those.”

He was shifting his hips unconsciously. “You’d be okay with that?”

Moving quickly, I lifted my leg over both of his, my hands pushing his shoulders to the back of the couch, my heat settling over his cock. _He’s already a little hard_ , I thought with a smirk. I leaned forward, my mouth finding the softness of his neck, my lips skimming down to his pulse point before placing a soft kiss there.

Spencer groaned softly, his hands resting on my hips. He knew our scene hadn’t started yet, which made him bolder with his touch.

Kissing my way up to his ear, I took the lobe between my teeth, tugging softly, before I spoke. “I just want to fuck you Dr. Reid. I don’t care what size cock I fuck you with.” I don’t know if he shivered at the feeling of my breath against him or at my words. _Hopefully both._ I placed one last kiss on his neck before I moved off of him.

His bewildered expression amused me greatly. “But, before any of that, did you bring what I asked?”

It took my brilliant boy a second to remember what I was talking about. He reached for the messenger bag beside him. “Yes,” he muttered, opening the bag to pull out several books. “But I wasn’t sure what sort of book you wanted me to bring. So, I brought a few different options.” He set 4 books down on my coffee table. “What are they for?”

“You’re going to read to me,” I said, not attempting to hide my smile.

“…I am?” At my nod he said, “Oh..okay. Do you want to do that now?”

“Don’t look so disappointed, baby.” I held out my hand to him. “Come with me.”

Curious as ever, my boy followed me into my bedroom, his eyes scanning over the bed, resting on the small chest that sat at the end of it. 

“…Are we…” he trailed off.

“Sort of. I wanted to try something first, before we officially start.” I turned to him, my fingers moving slowly up his chest until I reached his collar. “It will help me get you ready for later. Is that okay?” _Still so nervous._ Spencer nodded quickly; his pupils were already beginning to dilate. I rose up on my tiptoes to press a kiss to his pouty mouth. “We’re not really in a scene right now. I know that can be confusing, and it’s not something I would normally do, but you’ve never done this, so I thought it would be best.” I pressed another kiss to his jaw. “You can touch me, just not under my clothes yet. Alright baby?”

He mumbled his response while I pulled him forward until the back of my knees hit the bed, bringing him tumbling down with me. His hands tangled in my hair when my mouth found his. I didn’t pull away this time when his tongue flicked over my lips. I let him in with a soft sigh, moving my hands to tug on his soft, messy curls. I shifted until my pelvis was aligned with his, beginning to rock slowly.

This whole exercise was a bit of a tease, but I needed for him to be aroused for what I had planned. The more aroused he was the better.

I tugged his shirt out of the waist band of his pants, running my hands underneath the fabric. “Hey,” he whispered, pulling back to smile at me. I ignored the way my heart fluttered at his tone. “You said not under the clothes.”

Smiling back at him, I hooked my leg around his hips, pulling him down further. I used that momentum to flip him onto his back while I straddled him. _He looks so surprised_ , I thought smugly. _He knows I help teach seminars on defensive tactics._

“Wrong again, Dr. Reid,” I murmured, my lips moving down his cheek to his jaw, to his ear. “I said you couldn’t put your hands under my clothes, baby,” I whispered against his ear. “I can do whatever the fuck I want to you.” I brought my hand up to wrap around his throat, applying a small amount of pressure to each side. I pressed my still covered pussy against the bulge in his pants. “Isn’t that right, baby?”

Spencer didn’t even wait until the words were out of my mouth before he started to whimper. I lifted my body until I was sitting up then I brought my hands to his belt. My fingers were unzipping his fly before I spoke again. “I asked you a question, Dr. Reid. Or does that memory of yours stop working when you become a whimpering, needy little mess?” My words were harsher than they had ever been with him before; he’d really enjoyed the degradation we had done so far and said he was open to pushing it a bit further. _Ask and you shall receive, baby_.

I moved off of him then, rising to my feet at the side of the bed. First, I slid his shoes off. Then I reached up to pull his pants down. Then my thumbs hooked in the waist band of his underwear. I let out an exaggerated sigh as I climbed back on top of his body. My lower body was still completely covered but he was bare from the waist down.

He wasn’t prepared for when my right hand shot out and grabbed his face. My thumb digging into the left side of his face. “That’s twice you’ve not answered me, Dr. Reid.” I lifted my hand from his face and quickly brought it back down quickly. Not as hard as I had the last time we were together like this. Not yet.

“I’m sorry, Miss,” he whimpered. “I’m so sorry.”

“Are you?” I moved my hand down to grip his hard cock in my hand, squeezing him, enjoying the way his eyes fluttered at the action. “I don’t know if I believe that, Dr. Reid.” My hand was pumping him steadily now. “I think you need to apologize a bit better than that.”

His eyes shot open and he subconsciously licked his lips, causing me to chuckle and still my hands movements. “Oh no, you can’t have that. You haven’t earned that, my nervous boy. Look at you. Look how much your cock is leaking precum already.” I brought my hands up unbutton his shirt. “You’re just a needy thing, aren’t you? It’s almost pathetic.”

Spencer was shifting his hips again, trying to get some sort of friction. “I’m sorry, Miss.”

Once his shirt was unbuttoned, I brought my hands up to his throat, leaning down to kiss the tip of his nose. “I know.” I lifted up, raking my nails down his pale chest. “Which is why you’ll be my good boy now, won’t you?”

He nodded quickly, his eyebrows coming together when I moved off of him. I knelt in front of the trunk at the end of my bed. He propped himself up on his elbows as I opened the chest and pulled two items out before I moved back over towards him.

“Move up the bed, lay in the center.”

Crawling back onto the bed, I hovered above him, before I began to move down his body. I kept eye contact with him the entire time. _It’s okay, baby. I would never hurt you._ “Do you know what this is, Spencer?”

I think hearing his name surprised him; he forgot that we weren’t technically in a scene yet. I had only acted this way because I wanted to bump his simmering arousal up to a flaming inferno. I knew my boy would become more nervous if he wasn’t a whimpering, desperate mess. He nodded.

I pushed his legs up until his knees were bent, then I kissed up his right thigh, moving towards his cock. “I want you to be ready for when I fuck you.” I offered in way of explanation right before I moved to run my tongue up the underside of his cock.

Spencer threw his head back, tossing it against my pillows. I wrapped my fingers around the base of his cock while I moved him into my mouth. I didn’t suck as hard as I normally did, instead letting saliva slip from my mouth to coat him. After a few moments I pulled off.

“I want you to touch your cock, Spencer.” I said, uncapping the lube. “You’re not allowed to cum. Remember that when you touch yourself. If you get so close that it’s painful to stop, you have no one to blame but yourself. And if you cum, I will punish you.”

His Adams apple bobbed, his eyes moving from the butt plug to my hands then back to his cock. He wrapped his long fingers around it while I coated the plug with lube. Eyes fixed firmly on my hands; he started a slow rhythm. _What a good boy._

I stroked his thighs as I moved the plug into position against his ass. His face was flushed with a mix of arousal and embarrassment, I think. I just smirked at him. “Don’t get shy with me now, baby,” I said as I slowly began to push inside of him. “I’m going to have you begging me to fuck your tight little ass before the day is over.” He whimpered, his hand speeding up slightly. “You do know that, don’t you, Spencer? I’m going to make you such a little slut for me.” The plug went in further, with almost no real resistance from him. “Jesus, it looks like you’re already a fucking slut.” His whimpers and groans were coming faster now. “Look at how you’re taking this plug,” I started to fuck it into him slowly. “I knew you were dirty, Dr. Reid. But I didn’t expect this.”

With one final small push it was seated inside him. I reached to grab his hand, pulling it off of his cock. His lip was between his teeth, his forehead dotted with sweat. “You did so good, Spencer,” I praised him. “You’re more needy than I thought. I think I might make you bounce on my cock later.” I moved off of the bed, reaching down to pick up his underwear before I tossed them to him. “I thought it would take some time to get you to ride me, but you’re such a little slut, I’m sure you’ll be begging for it soon.”

He looked so confused, his fingers picking up his underwear. “Wha-“ he panted, his hips moving against my bed, already starting to be overwhelmed by the sensation.

“Put on your underwear, Dr. Reid; leave your shirt unbuttoned. Then come back into the living room.” I gave him a wide smile. “You still have to read to me.”

\--

I sat on the couch, flipping through the books Spencer had brought, waiting for him to emerge from my bedroom. He really had done so much better than I expected. I wasn’t exaggerating when I said I was going to have him bounce on my cock. The thought of him moving over me, his head thrown back while I pumped his cock caused heat to pool between my thighs.

My eyes didn’t raise to look at him when he walked into the room. He sat to the left of me, where he had been before. His cock was still hard, his precum was leaving a damp spot on his underwear. “Which book do you want to read me, Dr. Reid?”

He groaned. “I-I don’t know if I can finish the whole book like this,” he mumbled, flushing a deeper red that went down to his neck.

“You don’t have to finish, darling boy.” I rose up from the couch then, undoing my pants before shimming them down my hips. “You just have to read to me until I cum.”

Spencer’s eyes went wide. Flickering from the books then back to where I was removing my shirt. I wasn’t paying attention to what book he picked; ultimately, it didn’t matter, I’m not sure I would be able to pay enough attention during this to even process what he was reading.

I stood before him in my bra and panties. He brought the thick book up to his chest, never so much as blinking while I moved over him. I put my thighs on either of his right thigh before I sat down, pushing the seam of my pussy against him through my underwear. I gripped his shoulders, moving my mouth to the tender area where his shoulder met his neck. Placing a soft kiss there, I moved my right hand down his chest, skimming over his stomach, then applying a teasing pressure to his cock over his underwear.

“Come on, Dr. Reid. You told me you’d read to me.”

His first few words were sure. I was almost positive this was one of the many books he had memorized, meaning he wouldn’t need to rely on the book itself to keep reading. This was probably good, as at the first rock of my pussy against his thigh, he released a soft groan, interrupting his words.

Smirking, I moved my hips more purposefully against him. My hands came up to grip his hair, pulling harshly. His moan once again made his words falter. “What’s wrong Dr. Reid,” I whispered sweetly against his skin. “Can you not focus on your book?”

“It’s…It’s so hard, y/n.”

I licked the vein running up his neck before I sucked on the skin. “I can feel just how hard it is, Dr. Reid.” I moved my mouth up to his ear again. “Take my bra off.” I expected him to fumble with this task, but he put his right hand behind my back and removed my bra in seconds. _You’ve been holding out on me, Doc._ Leaning back, I moved my hands to my own breasts, thumbing my nipples as I listened to Spencer read his book, his words barely registering in my mind.

“You don’t need both hands to read, do you?” He shook his head, his worlds never faltering from the story. “Good. I know how hard it is for you to sit here with that plug inside you. I know you’re thinking about how it will feel when I fuck you.” _There’s that whimper_ , I thought. “I’m thinking about it too, Spencer.” My hips began to grind against him faster. “Put the book down but keep reading to me. If you stop your words, I’ll stop moving. The sooner I cum, the sooner you can get back into my bed.”

He placed the book down; his words a whisper now as he recited the book. “Touch me, Spencer. Make me cum like a good boy so I can finally fuck you like the little slut you are.” His hands gripped my hips, guiding my movements against his thigh, his mouth against my neck while he continued mumbling words I could barely hear against my skin.

“I’ve thought about fucking you before, you know.” I said, my pussy becoming wetter and wetter against him. “The first time was on the jet. You had some book open in your lap. You were stretched out on the couch.” I groaned as Spencer moved my hips faster and faster. “I thought about the look on your face if I just came over to you and sat on your lap.” I moved to kiss his neck again. “I wonder what they would have said then.” Dropping my hand down to palm his hot, hard cock over his underwear. “What would they have said if they saw Dr. Spencer Reid’s big, pretty boy cock sliding down my throat?”

He was groaning now in between words, but the words were yet to totally falter. “I guess that would be better than them seeing you get fucked, right?” One of his hands moved up to my breast to pinch my nipple. “What would they think if they knew that their boy wonder, their resident genius, wanted to get his ass fucked and treated like a dirty little thing?”

I was so, so _close._ “Come on, Agent Reid. Make me cum. Make me cum all over your thigh so I can make you cum so hard you see stars.”

His words faltered then; his mouth moved to my shoulder, kissing it softly before he said, “I’d let the entire world watch anything if it meant I got to fuck you.” With that, he bit down on my skin. That small amount of pain caused my orgasm to break like a wave against me. Spencer kept moving my hips back and forth to help me ride it out.

The world came back into focus slowly, my breathing still harsh against Spencer’s shoulder. Gripping his shoulders, I pulled back to kiss him softly. He tried to turn the kiss into something deeper, his need making him desperate. I pulled back, looking in his eyes. “When you go into the room we really begin,” I whispered. “Green, yellow, and red. I need you to know I’m so proud of you, darling boy, even if we just end here. You’ve done so well.”

He whimpered again, confirming once again that he had a praise kink. “I want more, Miss. Please?”

I moved off of his body to sit back on the couch, picking up the book he had set down. “Go into the bedroom, take off all of your clothes. Lay in the center of the bed, hands by your sides. Do not touch yourself. If you do, I will punish you.”

\--

When I finally made my way into the room a minute later, I found Spencer right where I instructed him to be. His cock was still hard; he was breathing rapidly. I stood at the edge of the bed, slowly slipping my panties off before I knelt down to open the chest again.

I had given this first scene a lot of thought. One day, I wanted to restrain him with my handcuffs when I fucked him. I could just imagine how he’d blush whenever he saw them after that. But, for this I had decided to use arm restrains that attached to the bars on my headboard, wrapping around his wrist with a Velcro cuff; he could open them if he needed to. I moved up on his left side, fastening one restraint to the bed, then walking to the right side, doing the same. His eyes were on my face, so expectant and so trusting.

I crawled on to the bed then, sitting myself on his firm stomach, my wet heat touching his skin. I leaned over to grip one cuff before I said, “Give me your hand, Dr. Reid.” He complied without complaint or hesitation, then he did it again with his left wrist. I scooted my body down his, until I felt his pubic bone brush against my still sensitive pussy. His breath hitched. “What’s wrong, Dr. Reid?” I asked as I moved further down, my ass now resting over his cock.

“I-I can feel you. You-you’re so close.” His hands started to pull against the restraints, itching to reach out and touch me, push me back even further so his cock would finally touch the paradise that was my wet cunt.

I tsked at him, pouting my lips. “I know, darling boy. It must be so hard.” I moved my hands to his chest, bracing myself on one hand while the other reached up to wrap around his throat. “It’s so hard to so fucking needy, isn’t it, baby?” I moved back another inch.

He was whining under me now, shifting his hips relentlessly. Leaning forward, I placed my lips centimeters away from his own, my grip on his throat tightening just a bit. “It wouldn’t take much, Dr. Reid.” I brushed my mouth against his, laughing when I heard the restraints jerking against the headboard bars. “You know I won’t let you fuck me…but all it would take is just a shift of my hips.” I rocked back a bit, bringing my pussy _right_ there, before drawing back up. “What would you give me for that, Dr. Reid? What would you do to feel my hot, wet, tight, little pussy rub against your pretty boy cock?”

“Anything,” his voice was so much higher than normal when he spoke. “I’ll do anything, Miss. Please. _Please.”_

 _You’re so good at this, baby._ “You sound very pretty when you beg, Dr. Reid.” I placed one more chaste kiss on his top lip before I went back to a sitting position. Bracing my hands on his hips, I lifted my pelvis over his groin to settle on the tops of his thighs. His strangled groan was music to my ears. “You have been such a good boy…” I pretended to ponder this. “Tell you what, if you _promise_ to ride my cock, to swirl your hips while you fuck yourself on top of me, I’ll let you feel me.”

He was nodding desperately, still pulling against the arm restraints. “Yes. Please. Please, Miss. I’ll do whatever you want.”

I moved his cock to lay flat against his pubic bone, the head pointing upwards towards his face. “I want you to watch, Dr. Reid.” I could feel myself _dripping_ when I moved forward. Slowly, slowly, slowly, I placed the lips of my cunt around the width of his cock.

“ _Fuck._ ” Spencer’s eyes were glued to where my pussy was finally touching his cock. “You’re so…fuck, you feel so good Miss.”

This was the first time I had felt a man against me like this in longer than I wanted to admit. I should be scared, but I just couldn’t be. It felt so right to be against him right now. I started moving my hips forwards and backwards, much like I did when I rode his thigh. I looked down, watching his cock disappear as I slide my pussy over him. This wasn’t even sex in the way most people considered it, but being here, sharing this moment with Spencer was one of the most erotic and intimate moments of my life.

With one finally slide of my hips, I lifted off of him, getting off the bed completely.

“No, no, no, Miss, please come back.”

I looked back at him over my shoulder. His cock was wet with my arousal, his neck was flushed a bright red, his messy curls were sticking to his forehead, and his wrists were still pulling against the restraints. _He is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen._

“My, my, Dr. Reid.” I moved back to the chest, reaching down to pull out my harness. “You might be the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen. Look at you,” I shot him a look of fake disapproval while I stepped into the harness, bringing it up to secure it around my hips. I had selected this strap-on for the specific reason that I could change the size of the dildo attached to it. So, for today I could use something smaller on my boy…until he was ready for something rougher, or bigger. Originally, I had planned on selecting the smallest dildo, but after seeing how easily he took the plug, I decided to move to the next size up.

Spencer watched with wide eyes while I pulled out my “cock”. I smirked at him. “Do you like it, Dr. Reid?” I slid the dildo into place, clip it into place. I moved closer to him, crawling up the bed, sitting on his right side. I brushed my fingers over his chest, feeling his racing heartbeat. Moving so quickly he didn’t have a chance to brace, I struck quickly, whipping my left hand up to backhand across the cheek. Rising up on my knees, I moved closer to him, gripping a handful of his hair with one hand, my other bracing myself on the headboard. “I am getting really _fucking_ tired of not having my questions answered, Dr. Reid.”

He was positively squirming now, his pupils were huge, his mouth hanging open. “I’m sorry Miss, I’m so sorry. I can’t- I can’t think when you’re around me.” I had to fight very hard to stop my lips from spreading into a smile, but I think he saw my lips twitch anyway.

“Brat,” I muttered, yanking on his hair again, causing him to let out another whimper. “I think you need to apologize, Dr. Reid. You want to be my good boy, don’t you?” I tilted my head to the side, regarding him curiously. “Because, if you’re my good boy, I’ll let you cum. But…if you’re not,” I leaned down to whisper to him. “Well, bad boys get their pretty little asses fucked, but they don’t get to cum.”

“I’m sorry Miss,” he whined out. “I’m so sorry. Please let me apologize.”

“Open your mouth.” He did so without question, his arms pulling on the restraints harder when I spit into his mouth. “Swallow it.” _Such a good boy._ “Now, I want you to suck my cock, Dr. Reid. Can you do that? Suck my cock and get it nice and wet before I fuck you with it.”

His eyes were on my face; I could see just the _smallest_ flicker of nervousness in those pretty golden-brown eyes. _I’d never hurt you, baby. You know that._ Almost as if he heard my thoughts, he opened his mouth for me. Releasing his hair, I brought my hand to the dildo, guiding it into his mouth. “That’s it, you’re doing so good, Dr. Reid.” I gave a few very shallow thrusts of my hips, watching his eyes flutter while his cheeks hollowed out. “I knew the first time you sucked my fingers that day on your couch that you’d be _so_ good at sucking cock.” I moved my hand from the dildo to place it lightly against his throat. “You’re nothing but a cock slut though, right, Dr. Reid?” He moaned around me; I squeezed his throat in response.

Pulling out of his mouth, I smiled down at him while I moved further away. I placed a soft kiss on his cheek before I moved down the bed. “You know why I left your legs free, don’t you Dr. Reid?”

“I’m not sure Miss.” His response was breathy and immediate. _You’re learning, my nervous boy._

“Oh, the great Dr. Reid isn’t sure? That must be first. I guess it’s probably hard for your big brain to work when all the blood is going to your cock.” I grabbed the lube from the side of the bed to place it beside his thigh. I pushed his legs up roughly, so his knees were bent again. “I left your legs free, Dr. Reid, so it’s easier to make you take my cock.”

I brought my right hand up to his cock, my grip not firm enough to be satisfying, but I wanted him to focus on that sensation, especially now. In reality, it probably didn’t matter, my boy looked too far gone to be embarrassed anymore. With my left, I grabbed the base of the butt plug, slowly pulling it out.

His breath caught in his throat, his top teeth digging into his bottom lip so hard it whitened. “What’s wrong, baby?” My tone was condescending as I worked the plug out a bit, before I pushed it back in a bit, fucking it out of him gently, much like how I fucked it into him. “What do you need, Dr. Reid?”

He knew what I wanted, I had told him multiple times, but will my boy be brave enough to give it to me. I pulled the plug out completely, tossing it to the side before I grabbed the lube. I squirted some into my right hand before I started to slick up the dildo, my eyes never leaving his.

“I-I want you to fuck me, Miss.”

“Hmm,” I acknowledged, my hands still moving up and down my ‘cock.’ “I’m not sure what you mean, darling boy. You’ll have to be a bit more specific.”

Spencer’s head thrashed, his thighs clenched, his stomach muscles tensed. “I need you to fuck my ass, Miss… _Please. Please fuck my ass, Miss.”_

My hand stilled. _Goddamnit._ Hearing those words out of him made my pussy clinch, my own wetness starting to drip down my thighs. “ _All you have to do is ask_ , Dr. Reid.”

I moved into position between his thighs, bringing both of my hands up to grip his slim hips. Scooting forward, I lifted him up a bit until my knees were barely under him, just enough to tilt his pelvis up so I could see him. I ran one of my hands up his inner thigh. “You’re even pretty here, Dr. Reid.” I lifted my hips slightly, pressing the dildo against his asshole. “Hold still, baby. I know you’re so needy and that makes it _so_ hard, but you can hold still for me, can’t you?”

He nodded rapidly, his hands fisted into balls, his wrists tugging against the restraints, his teeth still sunk into his lower lip. Usually, I would demand his words, but I understood how overwhelming this was for him. _Free pass, my nervous boy._ I slowly started to push inside of him. My gaze kept flicking between my ‘cock’ entering him and his face, watching for any reaction, and sign of hesitancy.

“Please,” he whimpered.

I started making slow strokes, fucking the dildo into him in shallow, small thrusts. When I had about 4 inches inside of him, I put some more lube on my hand. I stroked some of it on the remaining 3 inches of the dildo, making sure I could bottom out inside him. The remaining lube I left on my hand…the same hand I brought up to grab his cock with.

“ _FUCK.”_ Spencer’s shoulders were raising off of the bed, his eyes locked on my movements.

“Does it feel good, Dr. Reid?”

“Green, green, green, fucking green,” he muttered. Under normal circumstances I would have laughed, but right now I just pitched my hips forward, burying the dildo inside of him. He let out a strangled moan that sounded like my name when my thighs hit his body.

“Look at that,” I said softly. “Look at what a good little slut you are, Dr. Reid?” I started so thrust slowly, looking at his reactions to see which strokes seemed to have the biggest effect on him. _Being a profiler comes in handy at the strangest times._ “You’re such a pretty cock slut, baby.” The tempo of my thrusts sped up while I looked down to watch the dildo move in and out of his tight entrance.

“Miss, fuck,” he whimpered. “Miss, please fuck me harder.”

I moved my hips faster, watching as his mouth opened in a silent scream. I gripped his cock firmer in my hand. Building up a rhythm between jerking him off and fucking him. “Is this what you want, Dr. Reid? You want to be used like this? Like a filthy slut?”

“Yes, yes, Miss, please.” His eyes were fixed on my hand on his cock, on my hips moving quickly. “Miss, Miss, you’re so- Miss, I’m going to cum.”

“Oh, you are, are you?” I teased, slowing my hand slightly. My thighs still slapping against him as I fucked him.

“Please Miss,” he begged. “Please let me cum. Please, I’ll do anything. Please, please, I’m so fucking _close.”_

I gripped his cock harder, my pace never slowing. “Come on, Dr. Reid. Cum for me like the dirty thing you are.”

At my words, he let out the loudest moan I’d heard him make yet. His back was arching off the bed, as rope after rope of cum erupted from his cock. I slowed my pace, only giving a few shallow thrusts to work him through his orgasm.

Right as his orgasm started to end, I slowly withdrew the portion of the dildo that was still inside him.

I leaned over him to quickly undo the cuffs, freeing him. Moving off the bed, I unstrapped myself, letting the harness fall to the floor before I dashed into the bathroom connected to my room. Wetting the washcloth, I had already laid out, I grabbed my other supplies and hurried back into the room. Spencer was where I left him, his eyes fixed on the ceiling, unseeing.

I moved to sit between his legs. First, I wiped the cum and lube off his cock, murmuring my praises the entire time before I cleaned up the remaining lube from between his cheeks. Tossing the rag into the floor, I moved to kneel beside him on the bed. “Spencer,” I whispered. “Spencer, you did so good. You were so wonderful.”

His gaze fixed on mine, his eyes starting to fill with tears, his face a mask of confusion. “Y/n,” he said, his voice raspy. “Why-why-“

I pushed his hair off his forehead, bringing his arms in towards his body to check his wrists. “It’s okay, Spencer. It is fine. Your adrenaline and endorphins are hitting your body right now. This is what I was talking about that might happen. It’s called sub drop.” I cupped his jaw, my thumb brushing over his lips. “I’m right here, Spencer. I’m right here. And I’m so proud of you.”

I wanted to wait until he asked me to touch him, to be sure that was what he needed, but I just acted on instinct. I laid down beside of him and wrapped my arms around him. He turned his body to face mine, his knees curled up to hit my thighs. I stroked my hands over his back, murmuring softly to him the whole time.

After a few minutes had passed, and his breathing had evened out, I spoke again. “Spence? Do you think you can take a shower? The heat will make you feel better.”

He sniffled, his eyes never rising to meet mine. “I…I don’t know if I can leave you.”

In that moment, the tiny part of my heart that didn’t already belong to Spencer Reid, this marvelous, wonderful man, was cemented into his grasp. “Spencer, I need you to look at me, can you do that?”

His soft eyes finally rose to meet mine. They were wide and anxious and swimming with a much bigger and more frightening emotion. “Spencer, I’m not going to leave you. I’m going to take a shower with you. Then after we get cleaned up, we’re going to order some food and watch whatever you want to while we sit on my couch.” My words were hurried and dripping with honesty.

My darling boy’s face lite up with hope so bright it threatened to consume me. “You’ll stay with me?”

“You don’t even have to ask, Spence.” I pressed a kiss to his forehead.

\--

The remainder of our Saturday went like I had planned. In our shower, I held his body under the warm water, I washed his hair, and I listened while he told me whatever fact came to his mind in that moment. After were done, I got his messenger bag and brought him his clothes.

Together, we cuddled on my couch. Him in his old Caltech t-shirt and sweatpants and me in loose t-shirt and leggings. We found some sci-fi show that he said was good that I had never seen to watch while we ate our takeout. I listened to everything he told me about the show, holding his body close to mine.

I felt the tension rise up inside of him the later it got. Which is why I turned to him with an over exaggerated yawn and asked him the question he was too afraid to ask me.

“Hey, Doc?” I said softly. “It’s getting pretty late…and after…after everything we did today, I don’t really want to be alone. Would you mind staying with me?”

The relief I felt radiate off of him in that moment was so powerful I don’t know if I’ll ever forget the feeling. “Of course, y/n. I’d really like that.”

After I stripped and remade my bed and cleaned up any stray items that I may have missed earlier, I lead Spencer into my bedroom. I fell asleep that night with my arms wrapped around him, his back to my chest. I held my hand against his chest, feeling his heartbeat slow as he fell asleep in my arms. It took a long time for sleep to finally find me, but I didn’t mind. I was content to just feel the heart beating inside the chest of the best person I had ever known.


	7. Boys like you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader and Spencer had quite the day together yesterday; but once they decide to spend Sunday together everything starts to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s a joke among my friends that I have a “do too much” gene. That gene is out loud and proud in this. We take a lot of twists and turns. I’d also like to apologize in advance for where we’re going in Chapter 8. But rest assured I’d never leave you or our love birds in angst for long.
> 
> There's also some additional warnings for this chapter. Talks of drug use/addiction and talk of past partners not respecting boundaries/limits and just being a dick, talk of past partner’s infidelity.

Out of all the ways I had expected to wake up today, feeling warm lips pressing against my jaw then moving down my neck, while curly hair tickled my face wasn’t one of them.

I cracked my eyes open. “What are you doing, Doc?” I asked, my voice thick with sleep.

Spencer lifted his head to meet my sleepy gaze, a small smile on his lips. “You just look so pretty,” he whispered, leaning forward to press a soft kiss to my lips. “Is this okay? We haven’t talked about it, but can we do…” he trailed off awkwardly.

 _It’s rude to make my heart flutter this early in the morning._ “You mean do ‘normal’ sex stuff?” He nodded quickly, his eyes wide. “Of course we can, Doc. There are people who have a 24/7 dynamic, but if you’re not interested in that, we can do more vanilla stuff in between.”

My nervous boy bit his lip, looking down at me thoughtfully, his arms braced on either side of my head. “I really, _really_ liked what we did yesterday,” he mumbled, moving down to his forearms so his body pressed against mine. “But, if you’re comfortable,” he whispered against my skin. “I’d also like to touch you like this.” Spencer started kissing down my throat. “When you’re so soft and beautiful. When I can just focus on how good you feel.”

As he shifted down my body, he moved his fingers to the bottom of my shirt, looking at me for approval before he pushed it up. Spencer kissed the waist band of the panties I had slept in before his mouth started moving up my stomach, trailing wet kisses up, up, up, until he reached my chest. His left hand gripped one breast while his mouth moved to the other. I hissed at the sensation of his warm mouth covering my nipple. He worked it over with his tongue, sucking it into a burning point. Spencer’s hips were nestled against my pussy; I could feel him getting hard. It probably didn’t help that I was lifting my hips to grind against him.

He shifted his attention to my other breasts as his right hand moved to the waist band of my panties, toying with the elastic before they slipped under the garment. Those warm brown eyes were on mine when his fingers finally brushed against my slit, feeling how wet I was already for him. Spencer parted me with his fingers, gathering the wetness at my entrance before moving up to rub slow circles around my clit.

With one final flick of his tongue against my breast, my boy started to move down my body, withdrawing his hand from my pussy. I saw him smirk at my whine at the loss of contact. I moved my hand to grip his tangled curls, giving them a sharp tug. “You’ll pay if you tease me, Dr. Reid,” I warned, delighted when his body shivered in response to my words.

“That doesn’t really sound like a threat, Miss,” he replied, grinning up at me.

 _This is a dangerous game, Doc._ “If you want to bounce on my cock again, baby, all you have to do is ask.”

Spencer’s lips froze on my stomach, his eyes moved back up to mine as he swallowed thickly. “C-can we do that and still do this?”

My heart clinched. _My darling, darling boy._ “You have a say in this too, Spence. I’m the dom, but what we do and how we do it is always a conversation.” _He needs to understand that._

His eyes moved back down to my panty covered pussy; I saw him lick his lips subconsciously. _Come on baby. Be brave, ask for what you want._ “I-I think I’d like to have this…this, with you, first,” he whispered against my skin. “Then maybe we can…do that.” After he finished speaking his cheeks turned bright red.

“If that’s what you want, you won’t hear me complain.” I reached down to brush his curly hair out of his eyes. “Are you sure you’re up for it after yesterday?” I wasn’t so sure, but nobody knew his body better than he did.

Spencer leaned into my touch, his eyes fluttering closed. “I _think_ so,” he muttered. “And if I’m not…you’ll be there to catch me?”

Nothing had ever wrecked me more than his question. _Oh my god._ “Always, my darling boy. Always, always.” 

He smiled and then opened his eyes before he continued moving down my body. His fingers hooked on my underwear, pulling them down my legs and tossing them away. Spencer’s lips connected to the skin of my thigh, right above my knee. His kisses felt almost reverent; he made me feel like a goddess that he was just happy to worship. I thought he would tease me longer, but once he got to the apex of my thighs, he parted me with his thumbs. His tongue flicked over my clit before he flattened his tongue, licking up my slit in one motion.

My fingers were still tangled in his hair; his eyes were closed while his mouth worked me over. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt like this. I wanted to say something that would help me take my power back or do something to place myself firmly in charge of the situation. It wasn’t that I was submitting to him, we were just _equal_ in this moment. Spencer was just a man who wanted to know me like this, who wanted to see my body wither underneath his and then watch me fly apart at his touch.

I was still terrified…but it was somehow different than before.

Spencer’s lips closed around my clit, sucking softly before he released it and began circling it with his tongue again. I groaned, my hips trying to rock against his mouth, instinctively seeking out that pleasure again. He opened his eyes to look at me before he chuckled.

“You-you’re gonna… _fuck,_ ” my words broke off when he wrapped his lips around me again, flicking his tongue rapidly against my clit. “ _Oh my god._ Spencer, I’m going to kill you if you don’t make me cum,” I gritted out.

I felt his right hand move between my thighs while his left arm came around my thighs to rest against my pelvis; his arm was like a bar to anchor me to him. “Then hold still,” he said right as he slipped two fingers inside of me, curling them expertly.

My body was withering under his gaze. “I’m going to wreck you when this is over,” I said, no real fire behind my words. I could barely focus long enough to get them out.

“I’m looking forward to it miss,” that cheeky fucker said right before his mouth covered me again.

The movement of his hand sped up now that his mouth was on me again. I felt myself approaching my orgasm rapidly. “Spencer,” I whined, my hips still trying to move against his mouth. He just moaned against me, the vibrations causing me to clinch harder around him. “Fuck, fuck, _fuck,”_ I whimpered as my orgasm hit me; my back arched off the bed and my thighs clamped around his body, which he didn’t seem to mind. Spencer pushed his fingers against the flutters of my orgasm, helping me ride out the pleasure for as long as possible. He placed one final soft kiss on my clit before he moved up my body again.

“That,” he began, stopping only to place a soft kiss on my lips. “Was worth any punishment you give me.” His hand reached out to push my hair off my damp forehead before he cupped the side of my face, his thumb grazing over my cheek while he looked down at me. “You’re wonderful.”

The words were just whispered into the quiet of the room, but they hit me like a bus. I felt emotion try to clog my throat. He didn’t say I was beautiful or sexy, he said I was _wonderful_. And that meant so much more to me than I had expected. After yesterday he could have decided he wanted nothing to do with me or my sexual proclivities; but he was still here with me…because he thought I was _wonderful_.

My breathing was starting to even out, but my heart was still racing when I gave him a warm smile. “I don’t think that’s really worth a punishment,” I said, bringing my hands up to pull him down to my mouth. My tongue ran over the seam of his lips before he opened for me. I tasted myself on him when his tongue slicked against my own, a soft moan coming from his throat, right before I broke away. “It deserves a reward.” I kissed the tip of his nose.

The shift in my mood was almost instantaneous. My fingers moved to grip his face, demanding his attention. “Take your clothes off and lay in the center of the bed.”

Spencer scrambled off the bed and started ripping his clothes off. I couldn’t help but laugh at him. “You’re very desperate this morning, aren’t you Dr. Reid?”

He was moving on to my bed, his cock was hard, his stomach muscles tense, when he spoke. “Yes, Miss.”

I opened the truck at the end of my bed. I had cleaned up everything last night while Spencer sat on my couch looking for something to watch. He’d offered to help, but I always thought of that bit as part of aftercare, especially after a sub drop. I pulled out my harness and the smallest dildo that attached to it. It was about 5 inches as opposed to the 7 inch one I fucked him with yesterday. I didn’t want him overwhelmed just yet, and for what I had in mind, the smaller one would be easier for him.

After strapping myself into the harness, I attached the dildo, never looking up at him. “Don’t you think that’s a little pathetic, Dr. Reid? Being so desperate to be fucked that you’re rushing to comply with what I say?” I grabbed the bottle of lube before I shut the lid of the trunk “You’re a very needy boy.”

I climbed onto the bed, staying on my knees while I regarded him. “But you were a very good boy yesterday when you took my cock so well,” I said softly, running my index finger down his face. “And you were such a good boy when I came all over your face.” My head tilted to the side, pretending to consider him. “Do you think you deserve a reward?”

“Please, Miss,” he whispered, his eyes moving from the dildo to my face.

 _So pretty when he begs._ “Alright Dr. Reid,” I said, moving to sit down beside him. “I’m going to lay down and I want you to show me how badly you want me to fuck you. I want to see you suck my cock. If you suck it well enough, I’ll fuck your pretty ass again.”

Spencer moved to his knees while I shifted into his former position. “Thank you, Miss.”

He didn’t hesitate to wrap his mouth around the dildo, his cheeks hollowing out as he sucked, his eyes closed. “You’re doing very well, Dr. Reid. It’s a pity you’ve never had a real cock in your mouth.” I tangled my hands in his hair, pulling just enough to hurt. “Would you like that, Dr. Reid? Would you like to have a real cock down your throat before some pretty man fucked you?”

My words were only meant to turn him on, but Spencer’s head lifted up from his task. His remarkably colored eyes were filled with need and desire when he looked up at me. “I just want you,” he whispered.

 _He is going to ruin me._ I licked my lips, suddenly feeling something deeper than I had felt before. “Come here, Dr. Reid.” He regarded me curiously. “I want you to straddle me. You have to finish getting my cock ready.” It was easier to focus on this than the emotions swirling inside of me. 

Spencer moved over me, his legs on either side of mine while he sat lower on my legs, the dildo in front of him. I handed him the lube. “Go ahead, baby.” Normally I’d want to warm him up first, but he took the plug so well yesterday and this dildo was barely any bigger than that, so I didn’t see the need.

He put some lube on his hand before he gripped the dildo, slicking it up. When he was done, he looked up at me again; I examined the dildo before adding more lube. “You’re gonna bounce on my cock Dr. Reid. You’ll need a bit more than that,” I teased.

Once I was satisfied, I patted his thigh. Spencer was biting his lip, looking needy with precum almost dripping from his cock, but he also looked slightly unsure. _I’ve got you, nervous boy. You have to know that by now._ I wanted to remind him of his safe words, but I knew he remembered. His nerves were more about disappointing me, I realized; which was never even possible.

He moved to hover over the dildo, his teeth digging into his bottom lip. I gripped it and put it in position at his entrance. “Okay, go slowly baby. I want to watch.” A whine came out of his mouth at my words as he slowly started to lower himself on me. “I don’t know why I was worried about you riding my cock, Dr. Reid. You’re such a dirty boy, you were practically made for this, weren’t you?”

“Yes Miss,” he moaned, his eyes closed tightly, and he lowered down onto the dildo completely.

I uncapped the lube again and put some in the palm of my hand. “You’re very pretty like this, Pretty Boy. A cock in your ass, your cock so hard it hurts, your face flushed. Move,” I commanded. “Ride me. Show me what a dirty boy you are, Dr. Reid.”

He started shifting then, a gasp coming out of his mouth as he started to slide up and down. “It feels so much deeper this way, Miss.”

Chuckling, I wrapped my hand around his cock, causing his movements to falter. “I didn’t say you could stop.” I squeezed his cock roughly before I began to stroke him. “I wonder what everyone would say if they knew how you spent your weekend,” I said as he started to move again. “The sweet, innocent Dr. Spencer Reid, being a whiny, desperate little cock slut _all_ weekend.” He whimpered, his body starting to move faster. “You’re a pretty cock slut though. We’ll have to do this in front of a mirror one day so you can see how well your ass takes this cock.” _He is so fucking hot._ I could feel my pussy dripping as he started to move faster.

“Miss,” he whined out again.

I started jerking his cock faster, twisting my hands near the head. “What is it, baby?”

“I-I’m close.” His eyes were screwed shut, his movements starting to flow a bit, a needy moan coming from his throat from trying to hold back.

“Don’t slow down,” I said, giving him a small smile. “This is your reward, darling boy. Fuck me. Fuck your pretty ass on to my cock until you cum.”

My words had the desired effect. His pace increased again, my hands continuing to slide over him. “Oh, my _god,”_ he gasped as his orgasm hit; I felt his cum land on my chest and stomach, his motion slowing while my hands continued to stroke him softly.

When he came back down from his bliss, I looked at him, watching for any signs of the emotions that overwhelmed him yesterday. Obviously, I still planned to care for him, but I needed to know if sub drop was going to be a common occurrence, just so I could be better prepared. I didn’t see anything troubling; just my nervous boy still recovering from the force of his pleasure.

He smiled down at me, his eyes soft. _Only Spencer Reid could look at me like I’m beautiful when I’m covered in his cum._ I decided not to tell him that, however. “Come on, Doc. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

\--

After our shower and some cuddling on my couch, Spencer insisted on helping me strip and remake my bed. It was nice, doing these sorts of everyday tasks with him. _Well, maybe cleaning up after I fuck him in the ass isn’t an_ everyday _task,_ I thought, unable to control my giggle.

Spencer’s head snapped up at the sound. “What’s funny?”

“Oh, just this, Doc.” He didn’t understand completely what I meant, but he smiled at me anyway. “Anyway, after this morning’s activities we need to get you fed,” I declared, moving away from my bed once I was satisfied. “I don’t really have anything breakfast-y here, so we can order in or we can go out for breakfast. Did you bring some clothes?”

Spencer nodded, “I did.” He shifted nervously. “W-what are you doing for the rest of the day?” he questioned, not meeting my eyes.

“I don’t have anything planned, Doc.” _What are you up to, Dr. Reid?_ “I did most of my stuff yesterday morning before you came over. What are you doing today?”

In spite of what we did last night and this morning, he was still so shy around me sometimes. His cheeks flushed a darker pink. “I…I was wondering if I could spend it with you?” He sounded so fucking hopeful it made my chest ache. “If…if that’s okay? I know we were together a lot yesterday too...” his voice trailed off.

I wasn’t sure how I would have been able to refuse him when he asked me like that; but what’s more alarming is that I didn’t _want_ to refuse him. I could say my decision was based on aftercare because I thought he needed me, but that wasn’t really true. I _wanted_ to spend time with him, which was really beginning to scare me if I thought about it.   
“Okay, baby. Whatever you want.”

\--

That’s how I ended up having one of the best Sundays of my life with Spencer Reid. We’d went to a small restaurant by my apartment for breakfast. He told me about his favorite books and how his mother used to read to him before her schizophrenia became so bad that she wasn’t able to anymore. We talked about our experiences in college, which were vastly different. Spencer told me about all the special accommodations that were made to get him through the FBI academy.

We walked around my neighborhood for a while after that. I showed Spencer some of my favorite places. I brought him to my favorite coffee shop, which was a big hit, but I think any coffee shop was a hit with my boy.

When it reached the midafternoon, we started discussing dinner. I was the one who had suggested we make dinner together, which seemed to delight my boy. After stopping by the market to pick up our ingredients, I mentioned that we should go back to his apartment. I loved my apartment but something about Spencer’s felt homier. He was more comfortable there. We cooked together in comfortable silence. He would occasionally brush his hand across my back or start rambling about some fact that just popped into his head.

It was the best day I had had in a long, long time.

We were finishing dinner when Spencer spoke. “Can I ask you something, y/n?”

I shot him a look. “Yes, Spencer.” I said dryly. _This man._

“It might make you uncomfortable,” he hedged.

 _Crap._ I kept my tone light. “Well, considering what I did to you last night and again this morning, I think you deserve to make me squirm a bit.”

I loved the way his cheeks flushed at my words. He reached out to brush his fingers over the back of my hand. “I wanted to talk about…” he trailed off. _Looks like you’re the uncomfortable one, baby._

“You want to talk about why I don’t have sex.” It wasn’t a question; I knew him well enough to clock the nervousness in his eyes. Only one thing would make him so anxious when it came to me.

He nodded tightly. “I do.” Spencer squeezed my hand, almost as a plea for my honesty and attention. I raised my eyes up from my plate to meet his. “I understand if you don’t…but, I just…”

I took in a deep breath through my nose, holding it while I considered my options. “No, I know. You deserve to know. You’re not just my sub, you’re my friend,” I dropped my gaze then, like a coward. “You might be my best friend.”

The way he squeezed my hand this time felt different. “You’re more than just my best friend, y/n.”

 _Fuck. He’s gonna break me._ We sat together in silence for a few moments while I tried to find a place to even begin to tell him about this. I almost _wanted_ to tell him, but it was a pain I had carried around for so long that it had become a part of me. I wasn’t sure how to let that burden down.

“There was a case right before you joined the team,” he began suddenly, pulling my gaze to him. “I was checking out a lead with JJ…and we got separated. The unsub found me. He had D.I.D. One of his alters was his father, who was abusive, the other was the archangel Raphael.” His eyes were staring across the room at one of the walls in his apartment, but they were unfocused. “Tobias used drugs to survive his father’s abuse. So…after the alter father tortured me, he gave me the drugs to help me survive it.”

I reached out to grasp his hand tightly. “Spencer, you don’t have to do this.”

He turned his hand over, lacing his fingers through mine. “I know.” He gave my hand a squeeze. “I got addicted to what he gave me; dilaudid. Hydromorphone. Whatever you want to call it…So much had happened already, you know? Elle got shot and left without saying goodbye. I almost got the entire team killed because I wrote letters to my mom because I was too much of a coward to go see her. And taking dilaudid made it all easier.”

Tears were silently streaming down my face. “I’m so sorry, Spence. I’m so, so, so sorry. But none of that was your fault. Addiction is a disease.”

He moved his eyes then, refocusing his gaze on my face. The hand not holding mine reached up to wipe the tears from my cheeks. “Are these for me?” His voice was astonished. Like me crying over him was a miraculous thing. _You’re the most wonderful thing, darling boy._ My throat was clogged with emotion, all I could do was nod.

Spencer’s smile was soft. “You don’t need to cry, y/n,” he whispered. My boy shifted in his seat slightly. “You didn’t ask me when I stopped using.” It was just a statement of fact.

“Because it doesn’t matter,” I said fiercely. I had seen him without his shirt several times now. I hadn’t noticed any marks on his arms, meaning they must have had time to fade enough to not be too visible, but it wouldn’t matter if I had. “If you’re still using, we can get you help. And if you’ve already beaten your monster back, then all you need to know is how fucking proud of you I am.”

Now my boy’s eyes were swimming with tears. “I-…,” he cleared his throat. “I still struggle. I still have to go to meetings sometimes. But…there are things that make fighting that monster easier.”

I dropped his hand, lifting both of mine to cradle his face. “You’re the most remarkable human being I’ve ever met, Spencer.” I couldn’t stop myself from leaning forward and pressing a kiss to his lips. “And I couldn’t be prouder of you even if I tried.”

His hands covered mine, his eyes still misted over. I stood up from my chair and crossed over to him. Pushing away from the table, he made room for me to sit on his lap. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face against his neck. Spencer’s hands moved up and down my back, occasionally running over my hair. He pressed a kiss to my forehead, causing me to press one to his neck.

“My monster seems pretty stupid in comparison,” I muttered into his skin.

“Hey,” he said, gripping my shoulder to pull me back. “You can’t compare your struggles to someone else’s. Just because someone might be in a ‘worse’ situation doesn’t mean your situation is any less valid or less painful.” His words were firm as he looked into my eyes. “Pain is pain, y/n.”

With a sigh, knowing he was right, I got up and moved back over to my chair at his kitchen table. _Be brave, y/n._

In the way that Spencer knew everything, he knew I was still struggling. He reached out to push my hair behind my ear. “You’re so wonderful, y/n,” he said softly. “Nothing you tell me will ever change my mind.” His eyes were filled with something else now; something much more dangerous. Something I wanted so badly but was too terrified to grab.

 _Fuck._ His words made my heart flutter and my stomach drop. _It’s just leftover emotions from last night,_ I told myself. _It’s not real._ It wasn’t a secret BDSM relationships could cause intense emotions, especially right after a scene. It hadn’t even been 24 hours since his sub drop. _It’ll pass,_ I reasoned with myself.

I offered him a tight smile. “Where do you want me to start?”

“The beginning,” my boy said simply.

“Right,” I chuckled. “Well, I met him when I was 22, almost 23. We were together for about a year.” _Eleven months and four days, but who’s counting._ “He knew I was into BDSM things. He said he was a switch, which means he-“

“Could go from dominate to submissive and back again,” Dr. Reid interrupted, earning a chuckle from me.

“Correct as always, Doc.” I considered my next words carefully. “Switches aren’t uncommon, but I hadn’t ever been with one. I can see the appeal of being submissive but…it’s just not something I find particularly appealing _for_ me. I like the power and control I feel being a dom; despite the fact that submissives really hold all the power in BDSM dynamics.”

Spencer nodded. “You never call it a lifestyle.”

“That’s because I don’t think it is. I think it’s a kink. Some people can certainly have a 24/7 dom/sub relationship, and that’s fine. But…I don’t know,” I mused. “That’s never felt authentic to me personally and the relationships I want. I mean, I loved tying you up and fucking your cute little ass last night.” I chose my words on purpose, hoping to get a reaction. I was rewarded with a groan and a blush on his cheeks again. “But I think if you do it all the time it could become…”

“Routine,” the good doctor supplied.

“Exactly.”

Dr. Reid looked thoughtful. “I did some research about switches before we talked about…everything. The thought of being dominant makes me nervous. I don’t…I don’t think I would enjoy it very much.”

“I don’t think you would either, but you never know until you try.” My next words where harder to get out of my mouth. “If you ever get the chance, you should find someone to explore that with.” I said that even though the thought of him finding someone else to explore anything made my stomach sour.

Laughing a bit to ease the tension, I got back on topic. “Anyway, he said he was a switch, and he said he was fine with the fact that I wasn’t. And it seemed like he really was fine…for about 6 months, anyway.” _Fuck, this is hard._ “That’s when the comments started coming. He kept saying that he ‘didn’t see what the big deal was’ and that ‘if I really loved him, I should trust him’. It wasn’t about trust for me; I trusted him completely.” My voice was getting thick with emotion. “Which was my mistake.”

I couldn’t look at my boy, my poor sweet boy who I knew was burning with anger at the thought of me being mistreated. That’s just who he was. If I stopped to look at him, I was afraid I would break down. “I finally gave in and said I’d try it. I know I shouldn’t have, but I was so young, you know? I thought I loved him; but you shouldn’t have to do that for someone you love.” I took a deep breath before I forced the next words out of my throat. “I had my own hard limits, which he wasn’t a fan of. He was fine with being blindfolded, but I wasn’t. Especially not for my first scene like that.” My voice broke on a choked sob.

Spencer stood up suddenly, pulling me with him. I was bewildered when he pulled me out of the kitchen and lead me into his living room. He placed me on the same couch cushion I had been on the first time he kissed me. My boy didn’t say anything, he just leaned back against the couch and pulled me to his chest. He wrapped his arms around me, offering me all the strength he could give, but he never said a word.

 _Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why is he doing this to me?_ He was the sweetest man I had ever met…and he wasn’t even fucking _trying_ to be sweet. He just wanted to comfort me. Spencer’s hand lay flat against my back, moving against me every so often. I let out a shaky breath, bringing my hand to wipe away the stray tears on my cheeks. Before I started speaking again, I gripped his shirt in one of my hands. I know he was holding me, but I felt like if I held him it would somehow anchor me to this moment; this safe moment with my darling boy.

“He didn’t break any of my hard limits, but he tried too. But even before that…his demeanor felt _wrong_. I wasn’t comfortable. Then I saw him pull out a blindfold. So, I said my safe word.” Spencer’s arms tightened around me just a fraction. “I know he heard me the first time, but he pretended like he didn’t. Like he was giving me a chance to change my mind. He kept going until my eyes were actually covered. I had never been afraid like that before.” Anger burned in my belly when I thought of that day. “I screamed at him. He finally stopped. He pulled the blindfold off and was cursing at me under his breath.”

“I’m glad he stopped, but he shouldn’t have put you in that position.” Spencer’s voice was hard; it was the same voice I heard when he spoke to unsubs. My nervous boy was _furious_ at this man for hurting me, but he was trying to keep himself in check.

I just nodded against his chest. I knew that now, but back then the betrayal was so cutting. “He untied me and then he just left. He didn’t say a single word, he just left. I tried to call him, text him. He just didn’t answer.” My words no longer held any emotion; I always had to detach myself a bit when I thought about how we ended. “When he finally called me back, I was furious. I was so worried about him. He just laughed, Spencer. He just fucking laughed at me. Then he told me he had been busy finding ‘pussy that was worth his time’.” I let out a breath. “It hit me like truck. I asked him if he was serious, and he said we were over. That I wasn’t worth the trouble. I wasn’t what he needed. I never heard from him again.”

Tears were spilling down my cheeks in earnest now. “I was so stupid, Spencer. I was so fucking stupid to even become involved with him in the first place. He wasn’t even a real member of the BDSM community; he was just some fucking asshole that thought it was a fun idea to pretend to be a dom because he didn’t like women.”

Spencer was quiet for a few more moments, his hands never stopped moving across my body, up to my hair, down to my lower back. “I’m sorry he hurt you.”

I was embarrassed now even telling this wonderful man about the stupidest thing I’d ever done. “I decided then that I would only have sex and relationships on my terms.”

“And you couldn’t trust anyone enough to let them have that piece of you,” Dr. Reid finished for me. All I could do in response was nod again.

He pulled back, bringing my body away from his so he could look into my eyes. “Y/n, I’m so sorry.” His words were soft as he wiped the tear trails from my cheeks. “He didn’t deserve to even look at you. You’re kindness and sunshine personified.” My tears threatened to start again while he spoke; his voice was firm, leaving no room for debate. “That’s why the people we help always reach for you. You make everyone feel safe and warm. That’s why I could never look at you before. I felt so flustered just being near you.” He brushed my hair behind my ears, a smile tugging at his mouth. “I wasn’t even nervous because you’re beautiful, which you are. But your beautiful inside, and it just shines out of you.”

I couldn’t hold back any longer. I released his shirt, moving my hands up to cup his jaw. I brought his mouth down to mine in a kiss that said everything I was too afraid to say. It was soft and warm and _so_ sweet.

Spencer’s hands gripped my waist lightly as his lips moved over mine. He didn’t attempt to deepen the kiss; my boy was just happy to be here with me in this moment.

But I wasn’t. My soul was exposed to him for the first time and now that I had finally lowered that wall all of these feelings rose up inside me. Feelings I had tried to keep buried for such a long time. I pulled my mouth away from his to look at his beautiful face. “Spencer,” I whispered. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to even begin to say what I wanted to say.

He moved his hands up my body. His right hand cupping my cheek, his left hand lacing my hair through his fingers. I think he knew. _He always knows._

I don’t know who moved first, but our mouths clashed together in a rush of lips, tongues, and teeth. I moved up onto my knees, tangling my hands in his hair while I moved to sit astride his hips. My hips started rocking against him, his hands were running all over my body, first cupping my breasts before moving to my ass, gripping me tightly to encourage my movements above him. Spencer trailed kisses along my jaw, moving down to my neck before sucking my skin into his mouth. He lavished his tongue over me before he nipped me with his teeth. I let out an embarrassingly loud groan at the sensation. “Spencer,” I breathed. “Baby, take me to bed.”

He pulled his head back to look at me, his gaze was questioning. “Are you sure?”

I had never been surer of anything in my _life._ “Now.”

Spencer lifted me off his lap before he rose to his feet. He extended his hand towards me, giving me another chance to change my mind. I laced my fingers with his and followed him into his bedroom.

We had spent so much time together, done so many things, but this was the first time I had ever been in his bedroom and I couldn’t even be bothered to look at it. The second we crossed the threshold my lips were back on his. He pushed me backwards until the backs of my knees hit his bed. I reached for the bottom of his shirt, pulling at it impatiently. Spencer broke our kiss with a smile, pulling his shirt over his head. I quickly rid myself of my shirt and my bra before he was on me again. Our chests were flush against each other as he moved over me, his pelvis settling against mine. He was hard in his pants; I could feel it pushing against me while his hands moved down to cup my breasts.

Spencer’s mouth latched onto my nipple while I tried to undo his pants. I felt so frantic. I had never needed anything in that moment the way I needed to feel his skin underneath my hands. He brought one hand to his waist band to help me along, never once removing his mouth from my chest. I was squirming against him; the only sounds in the room were our heavy breathing and my strangled moans. Finally freeing him from his pants, I pushed them down his hips.

He broke away from my chest with a groan when I wrapped my fingers around his cock, giving him a few pumps. He rose up on his knees, his hands going to the waistband of my pants, tearing my clothes down my legs. He moved back over me, kissing me again while he kicked the last of his clothes from his body. I moaned against his neck when I felt the fingers of his right-hand ghost over my clit, which caused Spencer to smirk. We had already established last night that he would turn into a whimpering mess for me when I pulled his hair, so I put my hands in his hair tugging near the roots. Now it was my turn to smirk when he whimpered at the sensation.

Spencer’s mouth moved down my collarbones, through the valley between my breasts, over the curve of my stomach before I pulled his hair again, this time to get his attention. His lust filled eyes snapped up to meet mine. “No?” He questioned softly; his breath hot against my lower belly.

I shook my head. “Come here.” He complied quickly, his mouth finding mine again before his hand went back to my pussy. Two of his long fingers thrust into me, moving at a slow pace while his thumb ghosted over my clit.

My back arched. “Spe-Spence, stop.” His body stilled; his hand withdrew instantly. _My perfect boy._

“What is it, y/n?” His golden-brown eyes searched mine. He looked so afraid that he had done something wrong, that he’d upset me somehow. _Not possible, darling boy._

I licked my lips, suddenly nervous. “I think I’m ready, if you are.”

Spencer’s entire body stilled. “R-ready for what?”

 _There’s my nervous boy._ “You know what, Doc. I want to be with you in every way.”

He didn’t answer right away. His eyes closed while he let out a long breath. “You want to…you want to have sex…with me?” His voice was dripping with disbelief.

I couldn’t help the chuckle that bubbled out of mouth. “I’ve had sex with you already, Doc.”

My boy’s eyes opened to meet mine before they fluttered closed. He brought his head down to rest his forehead against mine. “This is different.”

“I know.”

“Y/n…are you sure? I don’t…I don’t want this to be something you regret because…”

He pulled back to look at me, wanting me to see what he couldn’t say. He didn’t want me to regret this because _he_ never would. My darling, darling boy, this wonderful man, couldn’t bear the thought of me giving myself to him like this only to call it a mistake later.

“I’m sure.” I brought my fingers up to his lips, tracing them, taking in every single detail of his beautiful face. “I want it to be you. I need it to be you.” I leaned up to kiss him softly, letting the ache that was in my heart flow freely through me. “I trust you.”

“I want to,” he said softly. “I want to be inside you more than I’ve ever wanted anything. But what if it isn’t what you-“

“Don’t,” I whispered against his mouth. “This is what I want. _You_ are what I want. Just be with me. Please? Spencer, just be with me now.”

He lowered his head, his mouth coming closer to mine. “You’re breaking your rules,” he stated with a small smile on his face.

“You should know by now that I’d break every single one of them for a boy like you.” My words were true. _He has to know._ “Just kiss me, Spence.”

His mouth sealed over mine in a kiss so sweet it made me heart ache. He laid between my thighs; his hardness pressed up against me. _So_ close but still not close enough. My tongue brushed against his lips, begging for entry. His tongue moved against mine while he brought his hand up to my breast to run his fingers over my nipple.

He broke our kiss, shifting his body awkwardly. “Sorry, I don’t really know what I’m doing. I don’t want to crush you. Or hurt you.” The tips of his ears were pink, and he started chewing on his bottom lip.

 _Oh, my nervous boy. You know I always have you._ “I can fix all of that, baby.” He was more prepared this time when my leg hooked around him and I flipped us over. I braced my palms against his shoulders, smiling down at him. “See? Crisis averted, Dr. Reid.”

Spencer let out a soft groan at the use of his honorific. “Thanks Agent y/l/n.” He reached up to push some of my hair back from my face. “Do you want me to get a condom? I don’t actually know if I have any; and if I do…they might be expired,” he said with an awkward chuckle filled with self-deprecation.

“I’m okay without one if you are, baby.” The choice was always his. “If you don’t have any here then I’ll go to the closest store and get some. Then I’ll jump you the second I get back.”

“I-I want to go without one. I want to feel you.” His hips were starting to shift under me, even during this he was still such a needy boy.

I leaned down, my lips just barely brushing over his. “Good. Because I want to feel you. I’ve seen you come undone before, but never like this.” I kissed him firmly. Our kiss quickly turned frantic. One of his hands was on my hip, fingers digging into my skin; his other hand was back on my breast, pinching my nipple between his thumb and forefinger.

His cock kept brushing against my center, never _quite_ where we both needed it to be. I reached between us, lifting my hips as I lined us up. Spencer groaned, his eyes never leaving the sight of his cock against my pussy. “I-I don’t know that I’ll be any good at this,” he cautioned.

“It’s already perfect, Spencer,” I said, because it was.

I slowly started to sink down on him, my eyes never leaving his face. I didn’t have his eidetic memory, but I wanted to remember every single second of this. His hands gripping my hips, his hair a wild mass of curls, his teeth biting his bottom lip so hard I’m surprised it hadn’t started bleeding.

It was hard to be focused on him, of course. I had been so caught up on how this would feel for him, I hadn’t considered to how it would feel for _me._ My body was slowly stretching around him. Every part of Spence Reid was consuming me. He was all I could think about, he was all I could feel.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he breathed when my hips met his, when he was totally sheathed inside me. My hips started to shift but his hands held me in place. “You-you have to give me a second.”

I smiled at that. “Are you doing okay, Dr. Reid?”

He chuckled without any real humor behind it. “I think okay it an understatement.” His hand came up to grip the back of my head, pulling my mouth down to meet his. I felt him lift his hips up, driving himself further into me, the sensation caused me to gasp into the kiss.

“You’ll pay for that,” I mumbled against his lips.

“Looking forward to it.”

 _This man._ I started moving, pushing my hip back slowly at first, my lips were attached to Spencer’s neck. His hands were roaming all over my body. His soft groans were just breaths against my ear.

I hadn’t remembered sex feeling like this. Maybe it never did before, maybe it only felt like his because it was with Spencer. This felt like so much more than sex. So much fucking more.

My pace increased; I was unable to hold back any longer. Spencer hips lifted to meet mine, he must have felt the same frantic need I did. “You have no _fucking_ idea how good you feel, y/n.”

I moved to sit up, bracing both of my hands on his stomach. Spencer bit into his lower lip so hard it whitened when I started sliding my body up and down his cock. He moved his hand from my hip to my lower stomach, bringing his thumb to circle my clit.

“Fuck, Spencer.” I started moving my body faster, ignoring the burn in my thighs. My nails were dragging against his skin as I moved closer and closer to my release.

“Y/n,” he groaned. “I’m so close. I’m so fucking close.” His thumb sped up against my clit. “Your pussy keeps getting tighter. You’re close, aren’t you?”

All I could do was nod, my motions still frantic.

“You’re so fucking pretty like this, y/n.”

“Spencer don’t stop. Fuck, don’t stop.” I was chanting those words when my orgasm finally washed over me, my pussy cumming all over him. I fought to keep my eyes open despite my pleasure. I _had_ to watch him. The beautiful Dr. Reid, his eyes moving all over my body, memorizing every detail of this. I squeezed around him one finally time. His hands were on my hips, holding me against him when his hips lifted a final time. With a groan of my name, Dr. Spencer Reid came undone underneath me.

He was the most wonderful thing I had ever seen.

My upper body all but collapsed on top of him. His hands moving to rub over my back, his mouth pressing kisses against my hair. I pressed my lips against his chest before I rested my head right over his pounding heart.

I couldn’t have done anything else in that moment other than exist with this marvelous man.

“That’ was…” Spencer trailed off, still breathing hard.

“Everything,” I whispered. “It was everything.”


	8. Because I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their weekend together, Reader and Dr. Reid have very different ideas on what the next step is. But all of that will have to wait because there’s a serial arsonist in D.C. who has been choosing victims that appear too random.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a quote by Jane Austen that says, “All my characters shall have, after a bit of trouble, all that they desire.” That’s my philosophy on writing. I know this isn’t what everyone signed up for when they started reading a sub!Spencer fic. This my hurt you heart, but I promise you the part of Chapter 9 that mends it is already written. If you want to wait to read this until Chapter 9 comes out to read this, I understand. The earliest it will be out is tomorrow, the latest is Friday. 
> 
> Additional content warning: A character is injured but it's not life threatening

Spencer had been reluctant for me to go home last night, but eventually relented when I pointed out that I couldn’t very well show up to work in what I was wearing when I left yesterday. He had kissed me so softly before I left that it made me ache. Everything felt so different, but everything was the same.

The next morning, I was getting ready when I heard my phone ding with a text message. I smiled when I saw Spencer’s name.

_“Open your door.”_

Not a second later I heard a knock on my door. My eyebrows drew together as I crossed the living room, throwing the door open to see a very chipper Dr. Spencer Reid standing on the other side.

“Hi,” he said softly, smiling at me.

“Hi?” I laughed; I really couldn’t help it. “What are you doing here, Doc?”

“I brought you this.” I noticed the cups in his hand then, both from the coffee shop I showed him yesterday. “Even though it felt wrong to order it,” he teased.

“Oh, shut up,” I said, taking my iced coffee from him before I waved him into my apartment. Iced coffee was an abomination to my Dr. Reid. “You only hate it because you haven’t tried it.”

He moved to sit on my couch, taking a sip of his own drink. “And I will continue to hate it without having tried it.”

“Brat,” I muttered, moving to stand in front of him. I glanced at the clock on the wall. “Not that I’m not happy to see you, but it’s 6:45 in the morning. You were going to see me in, what, an hour anyway?” _How early did he have to get up to do this?_

His bottom lip stuck out in a slight pout. “Are you upset that I came by?”

 _My nervous, darling boy._ “Never, Doc.” I turned to go back into my room to finish getting ready.

“I also thought we should talk about what we’re going to do today,” he called from the living room.

 _Huh?_ “What do you mean?” I picked out a pair of ankle boots from my closet that would match with my outfit. “Do we have a new case?”

“Probably,” he said, scaring the shit out of me. I didn’t realize he’d gotten up and come into my bedroom.

“Jesus, Spencer,” I laughed, my hand over my heart. “Warn a girl next time, alright?” I finished putting on my shoes, checking my hair and makeup in the mirror a final time before I turned to walk back into the living room. “So, we need to talk about the fact that we ‘probably’ have a case?”

“No,” he said, reaching out to grab my elbow, stilling my movements. “I wanted to talk about us. And what we’re going to tell the team.”

 _Oh no._ “Tell the team…about what?” I hedged.

Spencer eyebrows came together in confusion. “…About us?”

“…Why would we tell the team?” My question sounded hollow in my own ears.

My darling, _darling boy_ looked confused for a second. “Well, its protocol. We’re on the same team. And…” he swallowed thickly. “I-I thought that…”

I felt my heart splinter in to a million pieces. “Spencer,” I began quietly. “I don’t know if we…I’m not sure if that’s the best idea.”

“What do you mean?” He looked so crestfallen, so fucking _hurt_ that I could barely breath. “I thought after last weekend that...” he trailed off. He looked so young in that moment, like he really was a small boy afraid that someone he cared about would leave him. “I thought you wanted to be with me.”

His sadness was a punch to my gut. “Spencer,” I said gently. “It is not that. It’s not that at all.” I took a step towards him, reaching out to place my hand on his arm. “I just…you’ve never been involved in this sort of relationship before. There are a lot of high emotions that come with this-“

“What are you saying?” he interrupted, his voice hard.

“I’m saying that we need to give this time before you make any sort of decision about us other than our established BDSM relationship.” He jerked his arm away from me. _Don’t do this to me, baby._ “Spence, plenty of people have relationship within a dom/sub relationship. I have! It can work. But…” I trailed off.

“But what, y/n?” His eyes were cold. They looked so _wrong._ My boy was supposed to have warm amber eyes. Not these flat brown eyes that made my heart feel hollow.

“I’m saying that it’s only been one weekend. And I need you to be sure. We need to be sure about each other.”

“So, you aren’t sure?” He took a step towards me, crowding my space. “You seemed pretty fucking sure last night.” Spencer looked up at the ceiling, running his hand through his hair. “How can you stand here and say you aren’t _sure_ after what we did together last night?!”

Tears pricked in the corners of my eyes. “It was just sex, Spencer.” _Liar._

He backed away from me, a look of disgust on his face. “I’ve asked you once before not to lie to me, y/n. You _know_ that what we did last night was a whole lot more than ‘just sex’ or ‘fucking.’ You can lie to yourself about it, but don’t you _dare_ fucking lie to me!”

“Then what was it, Spencer?” My anger matched his own, my hands were shaking so hard I had to ball them into fists at my sides.

Spencer turned then, taking several steps until he was in front of me again. His hand moved up to the left side of my face; he ran his thumb over the cupid’s bow of my mouth. “You know what it was, y/n.” His head tilted down while his thumb ran over my bottom lip. “I made love to you last night. You’re hiding, and I don’t understand why. But _please._ You promised you wouldn’t regret it. Do you?” His eyes searched my face frantically. 

“Not for an instant, Spencer.” My eyes were starting to brim over with emotion.

“Then don’t push me away, baby. I know you’re scared.” He moved to close the few inches that separated us, his lips brushing over mine softly, sending a tingle down my entire body.

“I’m not pushing you away,” I said against his mouth. “I just…Can we give it time?” He pulled back from me, his hand dropping from my face, leaving me cold. “Spencer, you’ve never done this before, you went through a lot of high emotions this weekend… that might have affected how you _think_ you’re feeling.”

Spencer gave a jerk, abruptly pulling completely away from me. “I know exactly how I fucking feel.” His words were low and harsh. Without looking back at me he stormed out of my apartment. 

The tears didn’t come until I saw he had left his coffee cup behind.

\--

I was only 15 minutes late for work, and I think I had fixed my face enough so that it didn’t look like I had been crying. The team was already in the conference room when I arrived. I darted inside, mumbling my apologizes.

“Did you sleep in,” Morgan teased from beside me.

I just shot him an obviously fake glare. “Maybe.”

That seemed to ease the tension in the room…except the tension that was coming from the man sitting in between JJ and Morgan, the man refusing to look at me.

My heart broke more every single second he ignored me. _But this is what I deserve._

Garcia walked into the room then, iPads and casefiles in hand. “Welcome back, crimefighters. We’re coming in hot today but _luckily_ we’re staying close to home!” She passed out the iPads to all of us, save my boy who got a paper file, with a huge smile on her face. “There’s a serial arsonist right here in D.C.!”

JJ laughed. “That’s a weird thing to sound happy about, Penelope.”

“And we have a problem,” Hotch said, walking into the room and shutting the door.

“Figures,” Morgan muttered. “We get a weekend off and come back to a problem.”

Garcia smiled at him before turning to Hotch. “A problem with what, Sir? I didn’t see any problems in the files. Other than murder…and destruction of property…Just general icky-ness.”

Hotch sighed, gesturing for her to put the photos on the monitor. “Over the past month there have been three fires in Dupont Circle. So far 6 people have died. He seems to be targeting married couples with no children or pets.”

“It’s not uncommon for arsonists to avoid places with pets,” Morgan mused.

“What is uncommon is how random the victims are. Garcia?” Hotch motioned for her to go on.

“Right, well D.C. Police didn’t even realize the fires were connected at first. In the first two fires they initially couldn’t find the origin point where the fire started.”

“What?” I asked. “How can the unsub be hiding that?”

“People can hide lots of things.” That comment came from my boy. I looked over at him, but he still refused to meet my eyes.

“That they can, Doc.” 

“That’s all the information we have Sir,” Penelope said to Hotch. “I’m not sure what the problem is.”

“The victims are too random, which is why I wanted to look them over before we officially accepted the case. I think I’ve found his pattern. Garcia,” he said, shifting his focus to her. “Can you cross reference the names of all the victims against BAU cases?”

As Garcia sat down and started typing Morgan turned to our unit chief. “What are you thinking here, Hotch?”

“I recognized one of the victims of the second fire. We questioned him years ago. Gideon and I were the ones that brought him in. There was a string of rapes in the Washington Highlands area.” Hotch crossed his arms over his chest. “We thought he looked good for it, but he had a solid alibi. His wife said she with him all night. The case was never solved.”

“Oh my god,” Garcia gasped out, her eyes wide. “We’ve brought all three male victims in for questioning on different cases over the years.”

“And there’s our problem. You’d either have to be a member of D.C. police or someone in the Bureau to know that they had been questioned.”

 _Fuck me running._ “So, we have a serial arsonist that might be able to know every move we make as we make it?”

_This day just keeps getting better and better._

\--

After hours of speaking with the D.C. fire departments and working with local police, Derek and Prentiss made a discovery when they examined the crime scenes.

“I’m telling you Hotch,” Morgan’s voice rang out from the phone held in our unit chief’s hand. “The scene has been tampered with. The reason they had a hard time finding the ignition point is because someone when to a hell of a lot of trouble to cover it up after the fact.”

“That confirms our theory that the unsub is a member of law enforcement or the fire department,” Spencer chimed in.

Rossi came over to the table, his hands in his pockets, a worried look on his lined face. “Being a member of the fire department fits better if you’re trying to hide the ignition point,” he began. “But a fire fighter wouldn’t have access to the files on who was questioned.

Derek made a noise of agreement. “I think we might be looking at a team.”

“That would make sense,” I said, looking up from the files on the round table. “No firefighter showed up at all 3 fires. We know he’s organized, but arsonists are compulsive. He would _have_ to be nearby to watch it all burn.”

“You think maybe an off-duty cop or firefighter was in the crowd,” Spencer said, finally, finally, finally meeting my eyes for the first time that day. His eyes were lit with excitement over figuring a puzzle out. “No one would notice a person like that being at all 3 fires. And nobody would notice if a firefighter or cop asked to come take a look once the fire was out.” 

I nodded. “Correct again, Doc.”

His gaze shuttered at that, his jaw locking, then he turned his back to me.

“We’re gonna have to re-interview all the firefighters and D.C. police,” Hotch said with a sigh. “He’s one of them.”

“I can ask Will if he’ll come in. A lot of the cops in his prescient have also worked Dupont Circle in the past. Maybe he can help us narrow it down,” JJ chimed in.

Hotch nodded. “Tomorrow. We all need to go home tonight. D.C. police are on high alert. We’re not going to catch him tonight. Get some rest.”

With that dismissal the team disbanded from the conference room.

I tried to catch him, but my boy was gone before I even got back to my desk.

\--

“ _Hey, Spence. It’s me again. I…I know that you probably don’t want to talk to me. You also probably don’t want me leaving you voicemails. You hate voicemails. But…I’m just worried about you and I want to know that you’re okay. Please call me back.”_

_“Hey Doc. I’m just checking on you again. Please call me back.”_

_“Spencer, please don’t do this to me. I’m sorry.”_

\--

The clock above my TV said that it was almost midnight, but I wasn’t aware of any time passing. My eyes were swollen from crying but the rest of my body felt numb. I had been calling and texting Spencer for hours with no reply. I couldn’t believe that he would do this to me…especially after what I told him yesterday.

It’s strange how this weekend already feels like it was years ago. _The best two days of my life…gone._ _Maybe my ex was right_... _maybe I’m not worth it._

My thoughts were interrupted by a banging on my door that was so loud and so sudden I almost jumped out of my skin.

Having every intention of just ignoring whomever it was, I didn’t move to get up. But then the banging got louder.

I quickly scrambled to my gun safe, putting my thumb against the sensor to unlock it. Gun in hand, I moved towards the door. The banging was constant now, and so forceful I was worried my door would fly off the hinges.

I looked through the peep hole in my door, my gun gripped in my right hand. I saw him at the same time he spoke. “Y/n,” Spencer called, pounding on my door. “Let me in!”

I put my gun down and had the lock off and the door open in seconds. “Spencer, what in the ever loving fu-“

My words were cut off because he pushed through the door, entering my apartment without even looking at me. _This feels familiar._ I turned to face my boy, angry but in a different way than I had seen him before. “What are you doing here, Doc?”

He gave a bitter smile at that. “We’ve been here before. Don’t call me Doc right now.” Spencer shoved his hands in his pockets. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer your messages. At first, I was ignoring you, but then I…went somewhere where I couldn’t have my phone.”

His words felt like an ice pick in my heart. “You were ignoring me?” My voice was small. “And…you went…” I couldn’t finish my thought; I just wrapped my arms around my middle.

“Yes, y/n,” he said simply. “I was ignoring your calls. I didn’t…” His tongue ran over his bottom lip as he considered me. “I was afraid of what I’d say…what I’d do.”

“Oh.”

Spencer shifted his weight from foot to foot. “I went to a meeting. Then I went across town and went to another one.”

“Spencer.” My voice was a whisper, emotions threating to overtake me. “I’m so _fucking_ sorry.” _I hurt him so much he went to multiple meetings? I did that to him?_

“You don’t have anything to apologize for.” His tone wasn’t dismissive just…impersonal. “Your actions are your own, how I respond to those actions is all I can control.”

“Did the…did you?”

He pulled both of his lips between his teeth. He knew what I meant. _He always knows._ “No, y/n, I didn’t.” His tongue tapped against his top lip. “But, I really, _really_ fucking wanted to.”

My entire body went cold. “Spencer, I didn’t mean to-“

“Don’t, y/n.” His hands left his pockets; he crossed is arms over his chest. “I know. I was in the middle of my second meeting when I realized. I was thinking about the quickest way I could get in touch with my old dealer.” I winced at his words. “Because…how was I supposed to live with the fact that you dismissed the most…” I saw his anger rising again as he thought about it. “It was one of the most important fucking moments of my _life,_ y/n!” The voice that was usually so soft was laced with bitterness.

My tears started falling then. “Spencer I never meant to hurt you.” I curled my body more into myself. “I…I don’t know how to fix this.”

“That’s when I realized what was happening,” he continued, like I hadn’t spoken. “I remembered the look on your face when I told you that you were all sunshine and kindness. You balked at the idea.” His eyes bore into me, laying me bare. “You’re trying to protect yourself, and it’s a natural instinct. But you’re _hurting me_ to do it.”

I saw the moment his anger left his body. His shoulders relaxed, his eyes went glassy and I _felt_ the hurt wash over him. “You have to stop doing this,” he whispered, his voice strained. Each one of the tears that fell from those beautiful brown eyes was a knife in my stomach. “You have to let someone care about you.” Spencer cut the distance between us. He reached for me, his hands come up to hold my face, while his own crumpled. “You have to let _me_ care about you.”

I couldn’t bear to see him cry; I couldn’t live with myself when I was the cause of this wonderful, beautiful man’s pain. I looked straight into his eyes, taking in all the pain I’d caused. “I want to, Doc,” I whispered. “But I don’t know _how._ ”

His mouth crashed against mine. Spencer was desperate in a way I hadn’t felt before; he ripped my shirt from my body while I tugged his shirt free from his pants. His mouth moved down to my neck, sucking harshly while I worked his belt off. I slipped my hand inside of his underwear, palming him. He was already hot and hard, and I _ached_ for him. I’m not sure which one of us pulled the other down to my living room floor, but I felt the cool wood on my back as Spencer settled over me.

His hand came up to brush my hair out of my face. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered. The pressure of his hands changed. The desire still burned between us, but it wasn’t fueled by pain and rage. Spencer kissed me like I was the most precious thing he’d ever held. His fingers were soft when they slipped into my panties, finding me already wet for him. There was no smirk on his face when he unfastened his pants or when he pulled mine off.

He held himself against me, not quite inside of me yet. Spencer Reid, my wonderful, darling, nervous boy leaned over me, put his mouth against my neck when he entered me. My back arched and I moaned loudly at the invasion. He peppered kisses from my shoulder, around my neck, until he reached the other side. His mouth moved up my cheek, finally finding my lips while he continued to move inside me.

This felt different than last night. If last night was making love…I don’t know what this could be. I felt like Spencer was inside every part of me, consuming me. He pulled back, looking in my eyes, his thrusts never slowing. “I know you’re not ready to hear it,” he whispered. “But you need to know I feel it. I’ve felt it since the first time you smiled at me, y/n.”

He moved his hand down between our bodies, brushing against my clit. I hadn’t thought I’d be able to cum, but he quickly proved me wrong. I felt my orgasm rising up inside me but even it felt different. It wasn’t frantic or intense, it was slow and powerful…it was perfect, just like my boy was.

Spencer felt when my orgasm started to break. “When you’re ready to hear it, I’ll never stop telling you. I will tell you about how I’ll feel it forever, and how no one has ever felt it the way I do with you.”

I’m not sure if I started crying from the sudden release of the orgasm or from his words, but tears slipped down my cheeks while I held him to me tightly when he found his own pleasure.

“Stay with me,” he whispered against my mouth.

_Always._

\--

Both of our phones went off at 5 am the following morning.

“ _Hurry!”_ Garcia’s first text read. The second made my stomach drop. “ _There was another fire!_ ”

We arrived on the scene as quick as we could. I didn’t live very far from Spencer, so it wasn’t that weird for me to swing by his place and “pick him up.” In reality he just needed to change his clothes. His left hand held onto my right as we drove towards the fire that had claimed 2 more lives.

“We have to talk,” he said at last.

“I know.” Because I did.

“After the case?”

I nodded, bringing our joined hands up so I could press a kiss to the back of his hand.

\--

The next two victims were just like the others; a husband who had been questioned in a serial murder investigation by the BAU and the wife that was his alibi. After interviewing everyone again we kept coming up with one name over and over. Edward Gordon was a responding officer at the first and third fires, but several people _remember_ seeing him at fire two. He was on duty for the fourth fire and was already on the scene when the BAU agents showed up.

He had applied to the FBI academy but was denied; that denial didn’t stop him from applying to the D.C. police department. He fit the profile; he had the connections needed to pull it off. We were on our way to his house with a warrant. I was sitting in the passenger seat while Morgan drove; Prentiss and Rossi were in the back. “I don’t like this,” Rossi muttered.

“What’s up?” Derek asked.

“I don’t know,” the older man said. “It just feels…gift wrapped.” He turned to look at Emily. “It wasn’t until the fire fighter you talked to remembered him that anyone _else_ remembered him.”

“Right,” Emily said, consulting her notes. “Jeff Sawyers. He’s 35, married, and well-liked by everyone. We ruled him out.”

Rossi shook his head. “Everyone we talked to said that Gordon was a loner, he didn’t stick out. No one noticed him. So why did Sawyers?”

“Maybe he felt something? Like when the hairs on the back of your neck stand up?” Morgan offered.

“Well,” Rossi said with a sigh, sitting back. “I don’t know about you guys, but the hairs on the back of my neck are already up.”

_Mine are too._

\--

Arresting Edward Gordon was too easy. He didn’t put up much of a fight, which made me more nervous.

“Guys,” Spencer called while Morgan loaded Gordon into a suburban. “This doesn’t feel right.”

Hotch nodded. “Something is off. Stay sharp, we need to clear the area.”

We broke off into teams to do another sweep of Gordon’s house. I was with Hotch in the basement, Rossi and Reid took the main floor, and JJ and Prentiss to the top.

“There’s nothing,” I said when we all met again on the front porch. “But something _feels_ wrong.”

Emily nodded. “Maybe we should canvas surrounding houses?”

“Not a bad idea,” Rossi mused. “Maybe somebody saw something…or maybe somebody is actually _someone_.”

“I’ll go tell Morgan,” my boy said, turning to head for the car parked on the side of the road.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw something move in the upstairs window of the house directly across the street. I saw it a moment before everyone else; I was already sprinting towards Reid before the others had a chance to react.

 _Not him, no not him,_ I begged. I wasn’t even sure who I was begging. _Please not him, please._

Spencer heard the others shout his name; my jaw was locked together in panic, unable to speak. I slammed into him _hard_ , knocking him out of the way just in time.

I felt fire rip through my shoulder, I heard bullets ring out behind me. I didn’t pay attention to any of it thought.

 _Why is he crying?_ I thought my heart sinking into misery. _Please don’t cry, my darling boy. I can’t stand it._

His hands were so warm when he cupped my face. These circumstances were different from the last time he held me like this, but my heart squeezed just the same.

“Why,” his voice was strangled. “Why would you do that?”

Blackness edged around my vision. I wanted to make some funny quip to try to make him smile, but I couldn’t draw in enough air. So, I settled for the simplest and truest thing I could say.

“Because I love you.”

\-- _Spencer’s POV_ –

In times when I felt overwhelmed, I always counted things. It was a sort of compulsion that started when I was a child. When my parents would fight, I’d count the number of specks in each tile on the kitchen floor. I’d count the number of seconds between each shout. When Tobias had me all those years ago, I counted the boards around the cabin.

I couldn’t focus on anything long enough to count now.

Derek was to my right; Emily was to my left. Hotch was across the room sitting with his head in his hands. Rossi stood near JJ, his arm around her.

 _It’s not right,_ I thought. _None of this is right because she’s not here. She_ has _to be here._

I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to… _how am I supposed to breathe without her?_

“How long?” Morgan’s voice broke through the silence. I didn’t need to ask what he meant.

“37 days, 5 hours, 17 minutes, and 45 seconds. Since the case in Nebraska.”

I saw him nod out of the corner of my eye. Emily raised her hand to place it on my shoulder. Usually their touches made my skin hurt. I couldn’t handle the constant pressure and sometimes they would rub patterns on my skin meant to bring me comfort but all it did was set my teeth on edge. Nobody had ever understood that.

But _she_ did. She knew how to touch me without me telling her. She always checked in with me during everything. I had never felt safer in my entire life than I did in her arms.

_And she’s not here._

Penelope burst into the room a moment later. “What happened?” Her big eyes were swimming in tears behind her glasses. Morgan stood and went to her, wrapping her in his arms.

Bitterness rose up in my throat. _What if when she was dying was my last chance to hold her? What if all this was_ my _fault? Would she have jumped in front of a bullet for another team member?_ Logically, I knew she would have. That’s just who y/n is…but I couldn’t shake this feeling that this wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t-

My thoughts went blank when another man walked into the room; he had on blue scrubs and a mask hanging around his neck. _He’s the doctor._ I shot to my feet, halfway across the room before the others even realized someone else had entered.

“You’re all here for Y/l/n?” he asked, his eyes darting around.

I opened my mouth to speak but no sound came out; I was frozen. My heart was currently in a paradox. She was my very own Schrödinger’s cat. She was both alive and dead and somehow neither at the same time. I now understood that experiment better than I ever had before.

I couldn’t ask the doctor because what if she was _gone?_ What if I got 37 days, 5 hours, 19 minutes and 3 seconds to hold her…but I had to go the rest of my life without ever seeing her light again? I had told y/n she was sunshine…but she was so much more. She was the sun itself. Without her in this world, nothing would be there to hold my universe together, leaving everything to spin out into freezing darkness.

_What if she’s already gone? What if I haven’t had her the past 24 minutes? 15 minutes?_

Hotch spoke for me. “Yes, how is she?”

“The bullet nicked her brachial artery; she lost a lot of blood. Luck you had medics so close by. It was touch and go for a moment, but we were able to repair the damage. She should make a full recovery.”

I felt my entire universe shift; my legs were suddenly unable to hold me. I felt someone grab my shoulders when my knees hit the hard floor. My mind flashed with every moment we had had together. Her kind smiles, the way she cocked her head to the side when she was teasing me, the look on her face when she _finally_ trusted me enough to let me be with her the way I had always wanted.

“Kid,” Rossi’s voice said, I only then realized he was who had grabbed me. “She’s gonna be okay. Y/n is gonna be fine.”

His voice was soft, I could barely hear it over the sound of someone sobbing. It took me a minute longer to realize the sobbing was coming from me.

Yes, she was going to be fine…but for how long? How long did I get her until she had to jump in front of another bullet to save me? How long did I get to have the sun before I did something to make it disappear? I could live in a world where she didn’t love me, but I couldn’t live in a world where she didn’t exist.

“ _Because I love you,_ ” she had said. She jumped in front a bullet because she loved me. But did she even love me? Or did she just tell me what I needed to hear because she thought she was dying?

I finally understood why she was so afraid of love, because I had never loved _anything_ the way I loved her.

My body went cold when I realized what I had to do. Every possible future I imagined ended with her the way she was earlier today, bleeding out because she loved me. I couldn’t be responsible for putting her light out. She’d never forgive me. And none of that _mattered_ if I got to live in a world where she was still breathing. Where I got to love her. Even if she didn’t love me back. 

Rossi’s grip tightened around me. “Let’s go see your girl, Spencer.”

My voice was hollow as the gravity of everything fell down around me. “I-I don’t think I can.”

\-- Reader POV –

The first think I became aware was how goddamn bright it was. My eyes started to flutter open and they immediately shut in a wince. The second was the pain.

“Oh, this is some bullshit,” I muttered, trying to pry my eyes open.

I heard several chuckles at my words. “There she is! Feisty as ever!”

 _That was Morgan. Why is Morgan here? Where is here?_ It all started coming back in flashes. The house…the unsub…the fires…the gun pointing out the window. _Spencer!_

My eyes finally opened all the way. I heard the beeping of machines and I smelt antiseptic. Once my vision came into focus, I saw my team filling the room. JJ was crying and holding Garcia. Derek and Emily were closest to me on either side. But…I didn’t see that curly mop of hair.

“What happened? Is Spencer all right?” My words were frantic as I tried to sit up.

“Woah, woah, woah!” Morgan’s hand pressed against my shoulder, keeping me still. “Reid is fine. And you need to rest.”

 _He’s fine. He’s fine._ I kept repeating that over and over again in my mind. “What happened?” I asked, my throat was dry and scratchy.

“It was a trap,” Hotch said from the end of my bed. “Gordon and Sawyers were working together. We had profiled Gordon to be the dominant member if we were looking at a team, but it was Sawyers who called the shots. He just used Gordon’s rage for his own advantage. Apparently, Sawyers’ sister died in a murder investigation 2 years ago. He blamed the BAU because we were called in but the man he suspected had an alibi. Sawyers was in the house across the street…”

 _Right. There was a gun…and it was pointed at Spencer._ “Did you get him?”

Hotch nodded. “Gordon is in custody. Sawyers is dead.”

“Good,” I mumbled. “If Spencer is okay, where is he?”

There was an awkward pause for a moment before anyone spoke. “Let me go get the Doctor. I’m sure they want to know you’re awake,” JJ said before quickly leaving the room.

“I think he just needs a minute, Kiddo,” Rossi said gently.

“Oh, and don’t think for one goddamn _minute_ you’re gonna be able to weasel out of telling us about you and Reid.” Morgan looked positively giddy. “He said since _Nebraska,_ y/n.” Prentiss shot him a glare, to which Morgan only shrugged.

I sighed, but then quickly realized how much that fucking _hurt._ “I guess the cat is out of the bag.”

An older man entered the room then. “Hello, Agent y/l/n. I’m Dr. Richardson. I’d like to check you over if I could? And your friends can leave the room.”

Emily brushed her hand over the top of my head. “We’ll be back.”

\--

I had a repaired artery, gotten a transfusion, and somehow fractured a rib. Oh, and a new scar near my shoulder. The bullet was through and through, and scars were just scars.

None of that bothered me as much as my boy’s absence. The rest of the team had left hours ago. Garcia promised she’d be back bright and early and that she would be making a schedule of who was going to visit me each day and at what time. I didn’t bother trying to talk her out of it.

I had brought up Spencer a few times, I had asked for my phone to call him…but everyone had always changed the subject or tried to redirect my attention. After everything that had happened him avoiding me now almost hurt as bad as the bullet wound.

There was a hesitant knock on the door that made my heart jump. _I know that knock._ Sure enough, the door pushed open to reveal the only person I wanted to see. His hair was messy like he’d been running his hands through it, the dark circles under his eyes were more pronounced, and he was in different clothes than he had had on Tuesday morning. But even though I was so happy to see him I just felt something… _wrong._

“Hey Doc,” I said softly.

Spencer came to stand at the end of my hospital bed, his eyes flat, his hands gripping the plastic rails. “How are you feeling?” he asked, his voice was raspy and hollow.

“I’ve been better,” I joked in an attempt to lighten the mood.

My boy just sighed. “That was really fucking stupid, y/n.”

“What are you talking about? I wasn’t going to let him shoot you.”

His knuckles whitened as his grip tightened on the bed. “So, you let him shoot _you_? How does that make any fucking sense, y/n?!”

My voice was small, “Because it wouldn’t be you that got hurt. Why are you being like this, Spence?”

He ran a hand over his face, licking his lips before he spoke. “I just feel bad about this because…you were right.”

“I’m right fairly often, Doc. You’ll have to be a bit more specific.”

“About my feelings,” he said his eyes were on me, but they weren’t focused. “You were right when you said that they were just a chemical reaction to what happened this weekend. You said they would pass, and you were right.”

I couldn’t breathe. I felt like all the air had been taken out of the room.

Spencer went on. “I’m sorry if I led you on, y/n. I enjoyed our time together, but it’s not something I’d want to pursue long term. I’m embarrassed of how I acted, especially since it gave you the wrong impression.”

“Oh.” My entire body went cold and I felt my heart drop.

“I also think we should end our personal relationship.”

I blinked back tears, he sounded so impersonal. “We can’t even be friends?”

His hands lifted from the bed, his arms crossing over his chest. “We weren’t friends before, y/n.”

I pulled both of my lips between my teeth, taking small breaths so my body wouldn’t hurt more than it needed to. “I appreciate the honesty, Doc. I really do.” I turned my head to the side, unable to look at him any longer. “But this is a weird fucking time to do it.”

“I know,” he said, his tone not changing. “But I think your judgment has been compromised. I don’t think we can have any sort of relationship when it makes you do something so reckless because you think…” He trailed off.

“Because I think _what_ , Reid?” I spat out.

“Because you think I care about you more than I do.”

I scoffed, not caring about the pain. “I didn’t take a bullet for you because I thought you cared about me.” _I did it because of how much I cared about you._ “You’re a member of the team, I would have done the same for any of them.”

“Then maybe you should reevaluate your place in this team.”

I think it would have hurt less if he just punched me in the bullet wound “Thanks a whole fucking lot, Reid. I’ll do that.”

He dropped his arms and turned to walk out of my room. “I’m glad you’re okay, y/n.”

His hand had just pulled the door open when I called out. “Reid…did I say anything? After I was shot?”

The man that used to be my darling boy turned to look at me, his face was unreadable. “Not that I heard, no.” With that he was gone. He just walked out of my room like he didn’t rip me to shreds, like he didn’t take my entire heart with him.

My heart jumped with hope when the door opened again, only to plummet when I saw it was just the nurse. “Are you alright, dear?” she asked, coming to fiddle with the machines that monitored my vitals. “Oh, my lord. You’re crying! Are you in a lot of pain?” she didn’t wait for an answer, she just started for the door. “I’ll get your next dose of pain meds, be right back.”

She could do that…but I don’t think this pain will ever go away.


	9. you know why.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dr. Spencer Reid is one of the most brilliant men in the entire world...but even geniuses can be dumbasses. Once he realizes he’s made the biggest mistake of his life, the next step is getting Reader to forgive him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry I didn’t get this out as quickly as I wanted; I know I broke your hearts in chapter 8. So, please let me and Dr. Reid put them back together. Thank you for sticking with me. 💖 Chapter 10 returns to the smut we all signed up for.

Out of all the compliments I’ve received in my life, “you’re such a strong person” is the one I gotten the most often.

I was “so strong” for busting my ass through college with dreams of going to the FBI.

My friends told me I was “so strong” when I gave myself a few days to lay around and cry about my ex before I bottled it all up and moved forward.

Everyone said I was just “so strong” for joining the FBI and finishing in the top of my class at the academy.

And when I told everyone I was a profiler that hunted the most dangerous monsters on the planet? I was both “so strong, so brave.”

It’s a nice compliment to receive, but I have never really agreed with it. I’ve never really _felt_ strong. I’ve always felt resilient. The two words have always felt very different to me. It took enormous amounts of strength to go to college, join the FBI, and then become a member of one of the most prestigious units; but eventually that strength fades, or it just tires out. Resilience came when the strength was gone, when the fight had left your body, but you _couldn’t_ give in, you would endure this pain and any pain after it…because that’s just who you are.

It didn’t take strength to leave the hospital 3 days after Spencer Reid broke my heart. It didn’t take strength to go back to the same apartment where I could feel echoes of him in every room. It didn’t even take strength to not break down and cry.

I kept going because I had to. Because I was resilient.

\--

“You sure you got everything you need, mama?” Morgan had been annoyingly thorough in his duties today; Garcia had assigned him to be the person who brought me home and got me settled.

I offered him a wan smile. “I’m fine, Derek. It’s just a gunshot wound. I’m actually surprised how well I’m feeling.” _Not good. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel ‘good’ again._

He didn’t look convinced. “Are you _sure?_ Because the last thing I need is Garcia to throw one of her damn shoes at me again. Those things are _heavy_ , y/n.”

I chuckled at him. “Well, you won’t get maimed on my account. I’m really okay.”

Morgan regarded me from his position by the door, his eyes ran over everything from the exhaustion on my face to my arm that was in a sling; he took note of everything before he sighed heavily. “I know it’s not my place to say but…”

“Then don’t say it, Derek.” I brought my gaze up to his, my eyes were pleading. “Please, just don’t say it.”

Reluctantly he nodded. “You call any of us if you need anything.”

I nodded. Because I would call any of them if I needed anything…any of them except the one person I really wished I could call.

\--

My life went on like that for a time. On my first night home, Rossi had flowers delivered. On my second night home, JJ came by to bring me groceries. On my third night home Emily came by and helped me wash my hair in the sink because I couldn’t lift my arm yet. On my fourth night home Garcia came over with a stack of action movies and popcorn. I didn’t ask why she brought mindless action movies; I knew why, and I was grateful.

On my fifth day home the team left on a case. The in-person visits slowed down a lot after that, much to my relief. I loved them all but they’re profilers and I was so tired of pretending to be strong when the only reason I was still standing was because I was too fucking stubborn to fall down.

But still, Garcia would schedule the odd visitor every now and then to come check on me; usually either her, JJ, or Emily. No one ever brought up Reid, and I was very careful not to ask about him. I don’t know what they knew and what they didn’t…but I just _couldn’t_ talk about it _._

I was cleared to go back to work on the second Tuesday after my injury, but I would still be on desk duty until I was 4 weeks out. I had sent Hotch an e-mail on that second Tuesday morning and requested to use some personal time, just until the end of the following week.   
His response was, “ _Whatever you need._ ”

He didn’t respond to the e-mail I sent yesterday. The e-mail I wasn’t even sure I wanted to send, but knew I had to. I had submitted a hardship transfer request.

 _“Then maybe you should reevaluate your place in this team,”_ Reid had said to me. Maybe he was right. I had thought my home was with the family inside the BAU…but I had also thought Spencer Reid wanted my heart.

 _“But I think your judgment has been compromised.”_ Maybe my judgment was never that good to begin with.

\--

Twenty-four days after I was shot and two after I requested my transfer there was a knock on my door. Scheduled visits weren’t a thing anymore. Only Garcia had been coming by; Emily and JJ would send me texts, and Morgan drove me to physical therapy a few times but that was it. So, I was very surprised when I heard a sharp knock at my door at 2 pm that Friday afternoon.

I opened the door only to find the last face I expected to see.

“Hotch,” I said, my brows drawing together.

He just gave me a rare smile. “Not who you were expecting?”

“It’s not that you’re _not_ who I was expecting,” I began carefully. “It’s just that…when I think of cheerful visitors coming to surround me with rainbows and sunshine…I don’t think of you, boss man.”

He scoffed, which I had learned was his version of a chuckle. “Garcia is busy. So, can I come in?”

I waved my arm, offering him inside.

He surveyed my apartment; he’d never been here. None of the team had ever been here before- _Stop. Don’t think about it._

“How have you been?”

I gave him a very sour look. “Peachy with a side of keen, Hotch. But that’s not why you’re here.”

He didn’t look abashed in the slightest. “You’re right. That’s not why I’m here.”

We both sat on my couch; I kept my gaze on my hands, but I felt his eyes on me.

“Why are you requesting a hardship transfer?”

I was prepared for this question. “Because there is a personal issue within my team that affects me; I can no longer be an effective agent of the FBI in this unit.”

Hotch gave me an _almost_ smile. “That’s a very political answer.”

“It’s the truth.”

“It might be.” He sounded so thoughtful I turned to look at him. We were both profilers, but Hotch was in charge for a reason; that man saw things in ways I don’t think any of us did. “The reason _might_ also be that Reid is a dumb ass.”

I was in no way prepared for that statement to come out of my boss’s mouth. A laugh, the first _real_ laugh I had had in almost 25 days, burst out of me before I could clap my hand over my mouth.

He did smile then. It was a soft, sad smile. “I figured that’s what it was.”

“He’s a genius, Hotch.”

“And he’s also proof geniuses can be dumbasses.”

That one got a small chuckle out of me. “I didn’t know you were funny.”

“I have my moments,” he said dryly.

I took a deep breath, my eyes moving around my apartment, searching for something to focus on. “I don’t know what you know, I don’t know what any of you know…but I can’t stay. Not like this.”

The older man considered me for a moment, planning out his next words. I knew that the team knew that Reid and I had been…something. I hadn’t asked what they knew; _I couldn’t ask._

Hotch let out a long sigh, his shoulders dropping, before he spoke again. “Hayley had an affair.”

 _…I have no idea how I’m supposed to respond to that._ “I’m sorry, Hotch.”

He just nodded, his gaze sort of far off. “The team was working a case in Milwaukee; it was right before you joined. I was considering transferring; it was right before Gideon left. I knew it, she knew I knew it. I think that was sort of the beginning of the end for us.”

I just stared at him. Hotch didn’t talk about personal things.

He continued on. “It was never really brought up again until the divorce. You think divorce will end your fights…it never works out that way.” Hotch let out another sigh. “Anyway, I think about this _one_ specific fight a lot now. I just…She was so fucking cruel, y/l/n. She said things she _knew_ would hurt me.”

_You can’t call a dead woman a cunt, y/n. You just can’t._

“I think about it so much now because I know she lashed out because I hurt her and she was scared. I picked my job over her and Jack. And she’s right…I did.”

Enlightenment finally dawned on me.

“Hotch, I see where you’re going but it’s _different_ ,” I stressed. “Protecting the team _is_ my job. I protected a member of my team.”

He just nodded, his eyes never leaving my face. “You also jumped in front of a bullet for a man who is in love with you, who now thinks it’s his fault you got hurt.”

“He is not in love with me!” I interrupted, not that Hotch seemed to care.

“And you also told him you loved him, for what I suspect was the first time, while we all thought you were dying.”

 _Hold the fuck up._ “You heard me? _Spencer_ heard me?!”

Hotch nodded his head solemnly. “Rossi figured he hadn’t told you. He was inconsolable on the way to the hospital. He rode with you in the ambulance. Morgan had to restrain him when you were taken into surgery.” I felt my lungs seize, there was no more air in the room. “His legs gave out from under him when the doctor told us you made it. He was in your room right before you woke up. He ran out when your heart rate spiked.”

 _That…that can’t be right._ “I…I don’t know what happened while I was under, but you weren’t _there._ You didn’t hear what he said to me, Aaron.”

“You’re right,” he said softly. “I wasn’t, but I have been around him every day since you were injured. I’ve known him for _years_ , y/n. He’s hurting…because he’s a dumbass.”

I tried to focus on Hotch’s words, I really did. But one thing kept playing over and over in my head. _That asshole_ heard _me. He lied to me._

\--

\-- _Spencer POV_ –

“ _Because I love you.”_

_“Because I love you.”_

_“Because I love you.”_

The worst thing about having an eidetic memory is that I never forgot anything. I remember the crushing disappointment I felt on my 8th birthday when my dad didn’t call. I remember how gutted I felt when I found Gideon’s letter in his cabin. I remember the self-loathing I felt when Emily was beaten by a deranged cult leader at Liberty Ranch because she didn’t think I could handle it.

I could remember every single crushing moment of my life with absolute clarity, including the moment when I told y/n I didn’t love her. I could see every detail of her face in that moment whenever I closed my eyes. How pain covered her face for just a moment before it went blank. 

Her face in that moment was all I saw when I was awake, but what I saw at night may have been worse. I saw her happy. I saw her laughing at some joke Morgan made. I saw her smiling at me while I explained the scientific impossibilities of the show we were watching on her couch. I saw how thoughtful she’d looked before she kissed me for the first time.

In the 24 days, 21 hours, and 16 minutes since I made the most painful decision of my life, I had regretted it and rethought it countless times. But then I remembered how her eyes fluttered closed that day, how her blood ran out of her body and down my arms, not matter how hard I pressed on the wound. I remembered how it felt to think I was going to lose her.

The members of my team were all furious with me for my decision; I even felt tension from Rossi and Hotch, though it was more subtle. Y/n hadn’t been with our team long, but she had already carved out a place in everyone’s heart…and she’d carved out all of my heart; now it was filled with almost nothing but her. At first it was just Morgan who was pissed at me, then Emily started becoming frustrated, even JJ stopped inviting me over for dinner as much. They were all still my friends, but everything _felt_ different.

I hadn’t realized there was a giant problem until the last person I ever expected to be mad at me finally snapped. We were in the conference room discussing our last case when I had asked Garcia a question. Looking back, I can see it was a dumb question; Garcia cross referenced everything and dug into people’s lives before we even had a chance to ask. But even my stupid question hadn’t warranted her response.

_“Garcia, do you know any of the victim’s extended families have any connections to one another? Even distantly.”_

_She had clicked her tongue against her teeth, her shoulders stiffening. “Of course I have, Reid. That’s a stupid question…but I guess we should expect stupid questions from you now. Since you’ve suddenly become an-“_

_“Garcia,” Hotch warned._

_“Sorry, sir.” She let out a breath._

_“Yes, Dr. Reid, I have checked and found no apparent connections._

She’d been avoiding me ever since.

I knew that I had made a mess of things, but the team just didn’t understand. They’d only felt her warmth from a far; I’d actually got to be a part of it. They didn’t know how her feet were always cold and how she’d shove them under my leg while we watched TV. They didn’t know that she mumbled in her sleep sometimes, or when she was really stressed about a case, she’d grind her teeth. The pain I felt now was indescribable, but I couldn’t live with losing her.

We’d gotten back home from a case earlier this morning, Hotch let us all go home around noon. Usually he’d make us stay and finish our paperwork, but he said he had “something” he had to take care of.

Not being at work was bittersweet. Because work reminded me of her, but at least I could occupy my mind with other things; when I was home, she surrounded me. I couldn’t lay in my bed without imagining her beside me. The look on her face when she told me she was ready to be with me. For the first few days after I could still smell her shampoo on my pillow. That was long gone now.

It was just after 2 pm when there was a very loud knock on my door.

“Open up, dumbass!’

 _What is Morgan doing here?_ I got up from my couch to open my door. Morgan was in the same clothes he wore to work, he didn’t look injured, but his jaw was set, his teeth clinched together. _Uh oh._

“Why are you here?” I sighed. I already knew why he was here.

“I’m here,” he began, shoving his way into my apartment. “To see why you’re still being a dumbass.”

I didn’t bother correcting him. _Maybe I am a dumbass._

“Morgan-“

“Nu-uh. You sit your little scrawny ass down and listen to me.”

 _I’m not that scrawny,_ I thought grumpily while I sat down.

He put his hands on his hips, coming to stand in front of me. “Reid, what are you _doing_ man?”

“I don’t know,” I mumbled.

“Well, I’ll tell you what the fuck you’re doing, Pretty Boy. You know, we were all content to let you flounder along for a while longer. You’re smart, you’d figure it out. But that was _before_ y/n submitted a request for a hardship transfer.”

My shoulders stiffened. I had told her to rethink her place on the team, but I didn’t mean _leave_ it. “What? When?”

“I’m not sure when,” he replied. “Hotch is at her apartment now trying to talk her out of it.”

_So that was his important business._

“Look, kid.” He came to sit beside me on the couch. “I know you’re scared. I know you almost lost her, and you couldn’t bear that. But you’re losing her _now_ too, man!’

“It’s different, Morgan,” I protested.

“Yeah, it is different, because you don’t _have_ to lose her! You didn’t see her when she came home from the hospital. She wasn’t even sad, Reid. She was _numb._ We all knew she had walls up before…but these new walls, man? They make the old ones look like nothing.”

I put my hands together, lacing my fingers tightly. “But-“

Morgan stood up. “No, Reid! No! No buts. I understand that you’re hurting, believe me. But did you ever stop to use that big ass brain of yours to think for a _second_ that you’re hurting her too?!”

“I know I’m hurting her, Morgan,” I said hotly. “I _know!_ But it’s better she’s hurt like this for a little while then die over me!”

“Oh, come _on_ , kid! You can’t make that choice for her! That’s not how love _works_!” He let out a sigh. “You’re acting like a coward, Spencer. And that’s not the kind of man you are.”

 _It’s exactly the type of man I am._ “Morgan, she’s…she’s _everything_ to me. She’s the sun at the center of my universe. I can’t let her disappear.” 

“Okay, okay,” Morgan nodded, considering me. “Now, I’m not a genius but I do know some stuff after hanging around your ass for all these years. The universe would fall apart without the sun. But…what happens if the sun dims?”

“What?” My heart refused to work when I processed his words.

“You heard me. What happens to the universe when the sun dims? It’s still there, but it’s nowhere near as bright anymore. Because she may be the center of your universe but she’s still a part of a lot of other people’s…I don’t know, galaxy or some shit.” Morgan flicked his hand around to gesture at nothing, like this somehow proved his point.

“Spencer. I know you’re scared. I get it. But you’re making the choice _for_ her. You _lied_ to her, man. You got her to let you in and then you fucking shut her out when you get scared! Do you think she wasn’t scared to let you in in the first place? She’s never going to be totally free of danger, Reid. That’s part of what makes her who she is; she is _always_ going to put herself at risk to help people, we all are! It’s why we’re on the same fucking team!”

The impact of Morgan’s words was a blow to the gut. _What if I wasn’t keeping her safe? What if I was putting her through this…because I was afraid? Did I push her away from me for her? Or did I-_

“Oh my god. I’m a dumbass.”

Morgan threw his hands in the air before slapping them against his hips.

“I fucked up.”

Morgan opened his eyes very wide and tilted his head down in a universally recognized expression of “you think, dumbass?”.

“What do I do?”

“You apologize, Reid! You go over to her house and you _beg_ for forgiveness.”

My palms were starting to sweat. “What if she doesn’t forgive me?”

Morgan shrugged. “Then at least you tried, man.”

“Will you give me a ride?”

His face split into a wide smile. “There’s the genius! Let’s go!”

\--

\-- _Reader’s POV --_

It was just after 4 pm when there was another sharp knock on my door. I picked up the remote to pause the TV show I wasn’t watching; I had just needed some background noise. With a huff, I pulled myself off the couch and started shuffling towards the door. Hotch hadn’t been gone long, so I just figured maybe he’d come back to impart more wisdom on me.

It wasn’t Hotch. My heart stuttered when I saw that mop of curly brown hair out of my door’s peephole.

He knocked again, more hesitantly than before. “Y/n,” he called. “I know I don’t have any right to ask. But…I need to talk to you.”

My eyebrows drew together in confusion. _What could you possibly have to say to me?_

I cleared my throat. “Is something wrong?”

I saw his head snap up; his eyes fixed on the peephole on my door. “Yes. Everything is wrong.” 

_Oh._ “Are…are you alright?”

“No.” His answer was simple and firm. “I know I don’t deserve anything from you…but, _please_ , y/n.”

Taking a deep breath, I cracked open my door. “What do you want, Reid?”

I only allowed a tiny sliver of my face to be seen through the door. “C-can I come in?”

“I…I don’t know,” I mumbled. _You’re still everywhere. If I let you in now…how will you ever fade?_

Reid just nodded. “I understand. I just…I owe you an apology. I owe you so many apologies.”

I swallowed; my throat suddenly coated in sandpaper. “Reid, I don’t…you don’t…”

His eyes never left mine; he was leaving the choice up to me. “I don’t have to come in. I’ll talk to you through your door. Or I can talk to you over the phone. I’ll send you letters if that is easier. Just…please say you’ll talk to me?”

Very, very slowly, I eased the door open. He was cautious when he walked in, his hands stuffed into his pants pockets. “You don’t have to-“

“Yes, I do,” he interrupted. “That day in my apartment… I asked you not to lie to me. And I’ve done nothing but lie to you for the past 24 days, 22 hours, and 30 minutes.” He shifted his weight from foot to foot.

“I already know you heard me, Reid.”

He just nodded. “That’s one of the things I lied about. But it’s not all. It’s not even close to all. I told you my feelings changed, and they didn’t. They haven’t. I still feel the exact same way that I always have. I’m so sorry I even let you think that I didn’t l-“

“Stop.” I wrapped my arms around my middle. “I-I can’t. You…you _can’t say that.” I will break if you say that._

His hands came out of his pockets, his arms outstretched, palms facing me; like I was a wild animal he was trying not to startle. “I won’t, I won’t. I’m sorry. I won’t say it until you’re ready to hear it, if you’re ever ready to hear it. But…you have to know why.”

My teeth dug into my bottom lip; my eyes averted from him. “Why what?”

“Why I…Y/n, I just…I thought that I was protecting you.”

My face fell into a frown. “Protecting me from what?”

He stuffed his hands back into his pockets. “From me.” I opened my mouth to say something, but he hurried on. “I know I contribute to the team in some ways, but I also know other people have to pick up my slack sometimes. I just…I know members of the team have gotten hurt protecting me before.” He swallowed, his eyes blinking rapidly. “I couldn’t let you get hurt trying to protect me too. I’m not worth it.”

I felt anger start to burn in my stomach. “You don’t get to make those sorts of choices for people, Reid.”

He nodded. “I know. I was wrong.” He squared his slim shoulders, pulling his hands out of his pockets to rest them at his sides. “I fucked up. I’ve made the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life. And I only know one way to fix mistakes this big.” He paused, his throat working when he swallowed. “In Narcotics Anonymous the hardest steps for a lot of people are steps 8 and 9. Step 8 is acknowledging that our actions have caused pain and we need to make amends. Step 9 is making those amends and making them in a way that won’t hurt anyone.”

Hands back in his pockets, he took a hesitant step towards me. “I promise, y/n, I will _never_ hurt you again. This isn’t an excuse, but I was so…I was so _scared._ I thought that…I thought that your injury was my fault. And I thought if I distanced you from such a…a colossal fuck up like me that you’d be safer.”

My body started to shake, but I _wouldn’t_ let any tears fall. I _couldn’t._ If the dam broke now, I don’t know that I’d be able to put it back in place.

“Y/n, I don’t deserve the opportunity to make amends to you. But…if you’ll let me, I’d like to try. You’re…you’re everything, y/n. Everything. I even lied before when I said you were sunshine and warmth. You’re _so_ much more than that.”

I heard the tears in his voice, but I couldn’t look at him. I’d break if I looked at him.

“You’re the sun. You’re the center of my universe. And I thought I was keeping you safe, but…I didn’t give you the choice. I took your choice away from you when you’ve _always_ given me a choice in everything.”

I moved my eyes upwards to look at the ceiling, crossing my arms over my chest, my hands rubbing over my upper arms. “I don’t-I don’t know what you want me to say, Reid.”

I heard his shoes on my floor; I felt the air shift in the room when he took a step closer to me. “Just…Just say you’ll…that you’ll at least wait before you push your transfer through. That you’ll let me try to fix this, even though I don’t deserve it.”

A humorless laugh left my throat. “I already told Hotch to hold my transfer request.”

His voice cracked when he spoke again. “You did? When?”

“He came by about an hour ago.” I finally, finally looked at him. I saw his glassy eyes, his wild hair, and the clear pain mixed with a spark of hope on his face. He wasn’t my boy, not anymore. But… _goddamnit._ “He said…He said you were being a dumbass.”

Reid laughed a bit at that. “That seems to be the general consensus.”

“He asked me to give it some time. To see if working with the team again would actually be a hardship. My first day back is Monday, and I’m cleared to go back on active duty Wednesday.”

He shifted, his hands coming up to push is hair out of his face. “So, you’ll be back on Monday?”

“That’s the plan,” I said softy. “But…Reid, I don’t-I don’t know if I can…”

“I’m not asking you to forgive me. I’m just asking you to let me _try_ to make amends for this.”

I brought my hand up to rub my forehead. “What is your goal here, Reid? What do you want?”

His face was as open as I’d ever seen it, his eyes were wide, and his lips were parted. “I want to go back to the moment you started to wake up in the hospital. I want to hold your hand and tell you how much I” he cut himself off, which I was grateful for. “And I want to be the one that drove you home. I want to be the one that helped you wash your hair. I want to be the one that sat on your couch and watched movies with you.” He sighed, his eyes shifting to the side. “But I can’t have any of that. Morgan came by my apartment around the same time Hotch was here…he told me that I was hurting the thing I was trying so hard to protect. And he said you were building a wall around yourself.

Dr. Spencer Reid brought those brown eyes back over to meet mine. “I want you to let me try to knock down that wall again.”

My voice was soft, I could feel my chin trembling, my nails were digging into my arms. “But _why?_ ”

For the first time since he entered my apartment, he smiled. It was small but overwhelmingly warm. “You know why.”

I felt something pierce my heart; it was small and sharp, both painful and soothing at the same time. “Reid…I…I don’t know if I can…I don’t know…”

“You don’t have to know,” the man said simply. “You just have to be willing to let me try.”

“But they’re just _words_ , Reid. They’re just words. How am I supposed to believe that you won’t do this again the next time I get injured? Because I can handle being injured…but you _gutted_ me.” I bit down hard on the inside of my cheek, using the pain to help me focus. I _couldn’t_ let the dam break.

“They’re not just words,” he whispered. “I’ll prove it, y/n. I promise.”

I took a very shaky breath, not making an attempt to hide my pain. “I gave you everything, every single part of me and you brushed me aside. You left me in _agony_ when I needed you.”

My choked words lashed at him, but he just took it with a nod. “I know. I don’t deserve another chance. I have no right after what I’ve done. What I’m asking for isn’t fair…but I have to ask. Please?”

“Okay.”

“What?” His words were soft, but the smile that spread over his face was the brightest thing I had ever seen.

I huffed. “You heard me. Don’t push it.”

‘Okay.” He smiled at me again as he made his way around my body, heading for my door. I wrapped my arms tighter around myself, like I could somehow physically hold myself together. I heard the lock turn and the door pull open; I heard his feet shuffle through the doorway…before he paused. “Thank you, y/n.” The door clicked shut softly, and I finally allowed myself to breathe.

I wasn’t strong, I really wasn’t. Because if I was strong, I wouldn’t have felt so fucking _hopeful._

\--

After my conversation with Hotch yesterday, and my surprise visit from Reid last night, I expected my Saturday to be fairly uneventful. Which is why I wasn’t expecting a knock on my door at 8 pm that night.

“Who the fuck is it _now?_ ” I muttered, sighing with exasperation.

I thought Hotch was the most unexpected person I would ever see at my door unannounced, but this one caught me more off guard for so. I opened the door to see the bright smiling face of a young man in a delivery uniform. “Y/n y/l/n?” He asked politely.

“…Yes?”

He handed me a plastic bag with styrofoam containers inside. “Here you go. The bill has already been taken care of. Have a good night, ma’am!”

He was already halfway down the hall before I realized what was happening. “Wait, I didn’t order anything,” I called.

“I know, ma’am,” he turned, walking backwards as he spoke. “The order was placed in store. A man came by and ordered the food, left a note to put in the bag, and told me to leave before you had a chance to refuse it.” He smiled sheepishly at me. “I’m sorry, he gave me a really good tip. Have a good night!”

Frowning, I shut my door and moved into my kitchen, setting the bag on the counter. Sure enough, there was a note on top of the container.

_“I know it’s your favorite. S.R.”_

The thing about Reid is he had the worst handwriting I had ever seen. Even if I hadn’t suspected this was from him and he hadn’t signed the note, the handwriting would have given it away.

I went into my living room and snatched my phone off the couch before I quickly fired off a text.

“ _Why did you have dinner delivered to my house?”_

His response came a moment later. “ _You know why._ ”

\--

On Sunday morning, I had one of my last physical therapy appointments. I hadn’t sustained any permanent damage to my left shoulder from the bullet. The only real issue was the healing muscle and the artery that was nicked. Even though I was right-handed, it was important in my line of work that I not lose any strength in my left arm. The physical therapist had made an exception to see me on the weekend since my first day back at work was tomorrow.

The thought of going back to work made me incredibly nervous. I wasn’t sure how things would be different. Not only did I have to worry about my relationship with Reid, I also had to worry about how it would affect the team. I knew they all cared about me…but Reid had been a part of their family much longer than I had. Hotch’s visit on Friday meant a lot to me; I don’t think I would have been able to come back to work without it.

Despite my nerves, after being home on my couch for almost a month, I was itching to get back to doing the work I loved. I had already passed my post injury psychiatric evaluation, which was pointless anyway as the BAU _wrote_ the questions, but now with this approval from the physical therapist, I would only be on desk duty for 2 days once I returned.

I was so caught up in thought when I got to my apartment that I almost missed the paper taped to the front of my door. It was an envelope that looked some sort of parchment. If the type of paper didn’t give away the sender, the messy way my name was written on the front certainly did.

 _Calm down, y/n,_ I thought, reaching up to pluck the note from the door. _It’s just a piece of paper._ I knew my fear was irrational but trusting him after everything that had happened was terrifying. Because despite my best instincts, I _wanted_ to trust him.

Inside the envelope was a letter, it wasn’t written on standard paper; but, nothing about the man it was from was ever standard.

\--

“ _Y/n,_

_Before my mother’s schizophrenia became as bad as it is now, she used to read to me all the time. She was a professor of 15 th century literature. My love of reading came from her. Her favorite author is Margery Kempe; and when I was thinking about what I wanted to say to you, one quote in particular from Kempe kept coming to mind. _

_‘Patience is more worthy than miracle-working’._

_The fact that you’ve given me even the slightest chance to apologize to you is the closest thing to a miracle I’ve ever seen. It’s not a gift I’m going to take lightly. I know this is so incredibly hard for you. I know tomorrow is going to be hard for you, but I don’t want you to feel like you’re being forced to do anything before you’re ready. I want to make amends, or at least try to, but I don’t want to cause you anymore pain._

_You were patient with me in the beginning of our relationship; you were so unbelievably kind and generous – I think those are the things that made me…feel how I do now. I just want you to know that I’m prepared to be patient too. I never expected you to forgive me, and on the off chance you did, I knew it wouldn’t come easily._

_I’d wait for you forever, y/n._

_I don’t want to go against your wishes, but I want you to know that I’m ready. I’m ready to tell you now and every moment after for the rest of my life. All you have to do is ask and I’ll never stop telling you what you mean to me._

_\- Spencer”_

_\--_

My hands shook as I refolded the letter, slipping it back inside the envelope. I was dialing his number before I was even fully aware of what I was doing.

“ _Hello?_ ” His voice sounded slightly apprehensive, almost shy.

“I got your letter,” I said quietly.

“I-I…I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.”

I let out a sigh. “No, Reid. You didn’t make me uncomfortable.”

“You’ve not called me Spencer since…”

“I’m not there yet.” I closed my eyes when I said it; even now…I didn’t want to hurt him. _I’m just not there yet._

I heard him shift around on the other end of the line. “I know. You don’t have to be. I just…I just wanted to tell you how I feel.”

“And send me dinner,” I added dryly. He laughed softly before I asked what I really wanted to know. “Reid…how have you been?” I ran my hand over my forehead. “I mean…before I was…before I was shot I know you were struggling with-“

“Ah,” he mumbled when the realization hit him. “It wasn’t easy…it hasn’t been easy. I went to a lot of meetings after you were…And I spent a lot of time on JJ’s couch trying to convince her and myself that I was doing the right thing by pushing you away.”

I flexed the fingers of my left hand, my posture shifting while he spoke. “But you haven’t…I didn’t make…”

“Y/n,” he said, his voice was so fucking _gentle_ that it almost shattered me. “I haven’t. And even if I did, it wouldn’t have been your fault. No bad choice I make is _ever_ anyone’s fault but my own. My demons are my own.”

I sighed. “I know, Reid, but I don’t want to be…I don’t want to make them worse.”

“You couldn’t,” he said firmly. “Whenever I did think about calling a dealer, doing anything I could to not feel the pain in my heart…I-I kept seeing your face. You looked so understanding when I told you about dilaudid. You made me feel proud of myself for the first time in a long time.”

I had to put my palm over the end of my phone. I didn’t want him to hear how my breathing had become uneven.

“Y/n, I’ll do anything to have you look at me like that again.”

“I don’t need to ask why, do I?” I asked lightly, in an attempt to defuse the tension.

He laughed. “No, I don’t think you do.”

I found myself smiling, grateful he couldn’t see me. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Reid.”

\--

When I arrived to work on Monday morning for my first official day back, I was apprehensive but hopeful. The world wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t as dark as it has been.

Right when I entered the bullpen, I saw something on my desk that made me pause. There in the center of my desk was a large iced coffee from my favorite cafe, the one near my house. No matter how early I got up, I never seemed to have time to stop there before work most days. So, the fact that a cup was there in the first place was cause for notice but that wasn’t the strangest part; the ice wasn’t melted. There wasn’t any condensation on the plastic cup.

_I know I’m not a genius, but that can’t happen. Right?_

“There she is!”

I turned to see Rossi making his way towards me, his arms outstretched. He wrapped me in a tight hug, pressing a kiss to my cheek.

“We’re happy to have you back, y/n.”

I smiled widely at him, meaning it when I said, “I’m happy to be back.” He gave my upper arm a squeeze before he started to walk away. “Hey, Rossi. Did you do this?” I asked, gesturing to the cup on my desk.

He just had a sly smile on his face. “I did not, kiddo.” 

_Of course he didn’t._ After taking a deep breath, I turned to the desk across from mine. Reid was already sitting there scribbling away, doing a very good job of pretending he didn’t know I was already here. I marched over to him before I lost my nerve. “The ice wasn’t melted.”

He looked up at me, not the slightest bit surprised at my presence, a soft smile on his face. “Beg your pardon?”

“The ice. In my iced coffee. It wasn’t melted.” I waved my hand around in the air. _I’m not crazy, am I? That couldn’t have just happened._

“That’s because I asked them not to put any ice in when they made it,” he said simply. “You don’t like it as much when it’s watered down after the ice melts some; so I just added the ice here.”

My heart started to beat faster. “Why would you do that?”

The smile on his face got bigger, his eyes seemed to soften somehow when he looked at me. “You know why,” he said simply.

I didn’t know what to say. So, with a tight nod at him, I turned and walked back to my desk.

The rest of my first day back went how I expected. When Morgan saw me, he gathered me up in a giant hug and spun around ignoring my demands to put me down. Garcia hugged me like she hadn’t seen me in years and brought me cupcakes. Emily and JJ took me to lunch. Hotch made me fill out forms. And Reid…well, whenever I turned to look at him, I found he was already looking at me.

\--

The very next day when I showed up for work, I was suspicious. Every day since that Friday, Reid had done _something_. But when I arrived in the morning there was nothing on my desk. Nothing appeared out of place. _Maybe it’s a fluke._ Reid was already sitting at his desk, scrolling through his e-mail.

I knew what he had done the second I sat down. For as long as I had worked at this desk in the BAU bullpen, there was one wheel on my chair that was wonky. It never wanted to roll, and it always drove me insane. No matter what I tried the wheel _never_ worked this well, and especially not this smoothly. _Did he-?_

When I looked over, he was already looking at me, that same soft smile on his face.

\--

On my third day back at work there was nothing on my desk when I arrived, there was nothing anywhere. But I knew him, I _knew_ he wasn’t done yet; there had to be _something._

That something was on my desk when I got back from turning in my return to active duty forms to Hotch. There was a single sunflower in a vase sitting on my desk. I walked up to it and touched the petals softly. It was beautiful, but I was confused.

Walking over to his desk, I didn’t bother trying to hide the confusion or apprehension on my face. This time he wasn’t pretending to be doing something else; his eyes had been on me since the moment I walked out of Hotch’s office.

“It’s beautiful,” I began. “But I don’t understand the symbolism.”

He tilted back in his chair, looking up at me. “Sunflowers always want to be looking at the sun…and so do I.”

 _Because he thinks I’m the sun._

“But don’t sunflowers stop turning towards the sun when they get older?”

He just nodded. “They might, but I never will.”

I ran my tongue over my lips before I pulled both of them in between my teeth. I felt tears prick the corners of my eye. “Why?” I asked, my voice slightly thicker than normal.

Spencer stood up then; it looked like he would reach for me, but he quickly put his hands at his sides. “I’ll stop if it hurts you. Y/n, I promise to never hurt you again.” His words were earnest, his eyes were pleading. “But ‘why?’ You know why.”

I just nodded my head slightly, blowing out a shaky breath. “Thank you, it’s lovely.”

I don’t know why Spencer said I was the sun, because his smile at that moment was the brightest thing I’d ever seen. “Is it too much if I throw in a cheesy line, like, ‘it’s not as lovely as you?’”

“Brat,” I muttered, turning quickly so he wouldn’t see my smile.

That bright smile was still on his face when we all met in the conference room 20 minutes later. I saw Rossi clap him on the back when he walked in. JJ shot him a very sweet smile, it was almost motherly, like she was proud of him. Prentiss just winked.

Morgan wasn’t subtle. I’m not sure he knew how to be. He held out his fist for a fist bump, laughing openly when Spencer just wrapped his hand around it and shook.

“Alright,” Hotch said from the front of the room. _Fuck, even he is smiling a little bit._ “Let’s get started.”

\--

Less than 30 minutes later, I was boarding the BAU jet for the first time in more than a month. We were off to Arkansas to assist the Hot Springs police department catch a suspected serial killer.

I was one of the last ones on board; I smiled awkwardly when I saw everyone’s eyes on me. 

“What kept you, Pretty Girl?” Morgan asked with a grin.

 _Oh, I’m Pretty Girl now? Subtle._ I shot Morgan a look to indicate I wasn’t amused. “I had to talk to Garcia.”

Rossi looked at me expectantly “…About?”

They were all just _staring_ at me, and they weren’t even trying to hide their amusement. I sighed. “I couldn’t just leave it on my desk, you assholes.” Garcia might have squealed loudly when I brought her my sunflower and asked her to watch over it for me.

Every one of them laughed…except Reid. Reid just bit his bottom lip and dropped his gaze. He looked _so_ much like my nervous boy that it made me ache. That was the first time I allowed myself to admit how much I missed my darling boy.

\--

I was in the middle of going over victimology when a cup of coffee was sat down beside me. I mumbled my thanks, not even glancing up, just reaching out to grab it. It wasn’t until my fingers wrapped around the cup that my head snapped up.

“Morgan,” I called. “What’s this?”

His smile was very, very bright. “It’s your coffee.”

I picked up the iced coffee, giving it a once over. “Are you or are you not the same Derek Morgan that has said multiple times, ‘I ain’t no damn barista, if you want special coffee you go get it your damn self’?”

He nodded, his smile never wavering. “I am, so don’t get used to it. But when my boy has _finally_ stopped being a dumbass and is trying to win his girl back?” He winked at me. “I’ll make an exception when he asks for a favor.”

I heard JJ laugh softly from the other end of the table. I scrunched my face into a mock glare at both of them. “Don’t you have a murderer to catch?”

He turned before leaving the room, putting a hand to his chest in a very dramatic fashion. “Pretty Girl, you should _know_ SSA Derek Morgan can multitask!”

\--

I still don’t know what it is about towns in the middle of nowhere, but it never fails, one of the cops from said town will try to weasel his way into my bed the second the case is over. I was packing up after the unsub was booked when someone cleared his throat behind me to get my attention. This time it was a tall, slightly out of shape Officer named Reynolds. His smile was greasy but at least he didn’t try to touch me.

“I’m sorry,” I said, offering what I hoped was a polite smile. “I have a boyfriend.” I always tried to be diplomatic when this happened, just because I didn’t need to Hotch reprimand me for threatening a member of the local police…again.

Officer Reynolds’ scoffed. “He doesn’t have to know.”

The smile dropped off my face, my eyes hardening. _Fucker._ “That’d be pretty fucking difficult since he’s a member of my team and he’s sharing a room with me.” I picked up my bag and tossed a sarcastic “nice working with you” over my shoulder before I hightailed it out of the conference room. I didn’t stop until I got to the main entrance of the precinct, where I planned to wait for the rest of the team.

“So, am I the boyfriend you mentioned?” A voice asked from behind me.

 _Of course._ I turned to see Dr. Spencer Reid looking very pleased with himself. “I also didn’t know you wanted to share a room with me tonight. We each have single rooms though, so we don’t have to swap with anyone else…” he trailed off pretending to think. “So, who’s room are we taking?”

I rolled my eyes. “Reid, if it got some slimy cop off my back, I’d tell him you were my husband. I will throw you under the bus to save myself from a very awkward conversation that would probably lead to me punching someone.”

His face changed, he no longer looked overly pleased with himself. He looked like the same man that sat on the couch with me all those weeks ago and asked me if I kissed my submissives. He looked like the Spencer that used to be _mine._

“You act like I’d mind,” he said quietly.

“Mind what? Being thrown under the bus?”

“Being called your husband.”

I froze, my eyes immediately dropped to the floor. I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t. I let out a very shaky exhale, a sure sign that I was about to cry. But I couldn’t. I _couldn’t._ _Why is he doing this to me?_

I saw his beaten-up converse move into my field of view. He was close to me now, but he didn’t touch me. “I’m sorry, y/n,” he whispered. “But I promised I wouldn’t lie to you anymore.”

JJ walked around the corner then and he broke away from me. I just stared at my hands the whole drive back to the hotel.

\--

The clock on the bedside table blinked 11:47 pm. I had been lying in bed since 9 pm trying to fall asleep. When we arrived back to the hotel, I didn’t speak to anyone, I just kept my head down and walked straight into my room. Once I was inside, I tore my clothes off and got into the shower, turning it on the hottest temperature I could tolerate.

I felt the tears; they were _right_ there, I felt them pulsing underneath my eyes. I didn’t know how to do this. I didn’t know how to deny myself everything I had ever wanted when it was offering itself to me…I was the reason I was in pain right now, and it was all because I was so fucking _terrified_ to trust him again.

I glanced back over at the clock. 11:49 pm.

Taking a deep breath, trying to pull some sort of courage into myself, I picked up my phone.

 _He’s probably sleeping,_ I reasoned, giving myself one last chance to back out.

But then the phone was dialing. I listened to the ringing and held my breath. Because what was I supposed to do if he didn’t answer? What was I supposed to do if he _did_?

“Y/n?” his sleepy voice asked, sounding disoriented but urgent. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

 _Everything. And no._ But I couldn’t get my mouth to open. I couldn’t say anything. If I opened my mouth, then everything would spill out. All the pain, all the secrets, all the hopes and fears…and it would all be bared to Spencer Reid.

In the way that Spencer knew everything, he knew what I needed then. “I’ll be right there.” I heard a rustling on his end of the line, but he never hung up the phone.

Before I was ready, I heard the same hesitant knock on my door that I heard every night he came to my hotel room just because he missed me; the same knock that I had heard that first day at my apartment. The knock was the final crack that broke the dam I had built around my emotions in an attempt to hold them back so they wouldn’t sweep me away.

I don’t remember walking to the door, I don’t remember unlocking it; all I remember is Spencer standing on the other side in the same Caltech t-shirt and sweatpants he wore in my apartment when we sat on my couch on our first real night together.

“Y/n?” His eyes ran over me frantically. He came into the room, shutting the door behind him. His hands reached out like he would grab me, but I saw the indecision on his face. “Tell me what you need, baby. Please?”

The moment that I was so afraid of happened then. The tears finally flooded my eyes and my jaw unlocked. “Spence, I’m scared.” I swallowed, trying to control my broken voice. “I want this so much but I’m _terrified.”_

His arms enveloped me before I was finished speaking. One hand in the center of my back, the other on the back of my head. He smelt like coffee, laundry detergent, and my Spencer. My body shook in his arms. The pain from his words at the hospital, the pain from him not being there when I woke up, the pain of losing him, and the pain of having to turn him away for almost a week when he was _all I wanted_ ; all of that pain just poured out of me while I sobbed into his chest.

“I’m so sorry, y/n,” he whispered against my hair. “I’m so, _so_ sorry. And I will do anything-I’ll do everything to prove to you that I will never hurt you again.”

He kept holding me until my tears finally quieted, my body almost went limp in his arms. The weight of all of that pain was so heavy for so long, and now that I didn’t have to hold it, I was so tired.

“Spence?” My throat felt raw, my eyes were puffy.

“Hmm?”

I didn’t lift my head to look at him. “I’m ready to hear it now.”

Spencer froze, I’m pretty sure he stopped breathing for a moment. Then he leaned back, pulling his chest away from my face. Both of his hands cupped my face, his thumbs moving over my cheeks softly, wiping the tear trails away. Spencer held me like I was more fragile than glass, like I was made of something that would crumble into nothing if he so much as _moved_ wrong.

“Are you sure?” he asked quietly, his beautiful golden-brown eyes searching mine.

I nodded. “Yeah, I think so,” I said, giving him a small shaky laugh.

He tilted my head up slightly before his lips brushed against my forehead. “I loved you before you were ready to hear it; I loved you before you even knew I existed.” He pressed another kiss my cheek. “I loved you since the first time you smiled at me.” He kissed my other cheek. “I will never stop telling you how much I love you.” He trailed his lips over to my mouth. “I will love you forever…because no one has ever loved someone the way I love you,” he whispered, his breath washing over my lips.

I leaned forward and brushed my mouth against his. I felt the final layer of my resistance crumble. “Please don’t hurt me again, Spence.”

He pulled away to stare in my eyes. “I will never hurt you like this again. I’m so fucking sorry, y/n.”

“Just kiss me, Spencer.”

He gave me tiny grin at the command. “I thought you didn’t kiss your submissives,” he teased.

I brought my hand up to hold his face. “You know I break all my rules for you, my darling, nervous boy.”

\--


	10. "Why are you being punished, Dr. Reid?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another morning after. After Dr. Reid’s declaration last night everything feels different. Reader quickly proves that some things never change when our good Doctor forgets the rules.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early today, I decided to split Chapter 10. This series will now have 11 chapters and an epilogue. I want to thank all of you that follow along and have sent me sweet message this week. I hope this chapter is everything I wanted it to be.
> 
> Updated Warnings for this chapter: impact play, choking, mild humiliation, mild degradation.

Every night since I was shot, I had dreamed of being whole. Losing Spencer had been unbelievably painful and healing from my gunshot wound was painful but losing faith in myself after all of that happened is what threatened to shatter me. I had kept everyone at a distance for so long, never letting anyone beyond these walls I had put up to keep my heart safe. It was hard to live with the thought that my judgement was so bad, my instincts were so off that I had trusted this beautiful man with his warm brown eyes and soft curly hair…I had trusted him, and he hadn’t been what I thought he was. Ever since that night in my hospital room, my world felt fractured and heavy.

I could tell the world was different this morning before I even opened my eyes. The heavy fog that seemed to cloak my entire existence for the past month was no longer weighing me down.

Last night I let Spencer Reid into more than my room. I let him into my heart, I was trusting him to not hurt me again. I knew that these decisions would make my world different, but I hadn’t expected that my _acceptance_ of his love would mend something inside of me that was broken long before I met him.

I told him I’d break all my rules for him, and he wrapped me in his arms and pressed his lips to mine. Spencer kissed me like I was the answer to a problem he never thought he could solve. My soul ached when his lips brushed against mine, but that ache was a sweet one, filled with hope and promise. For the first time in such a long time, I felt no pain.

When I imagined our reunion, I thought we would have been frantic in our need for each other. But all I had felt in that moment was just the desire to be _with_ him. My world felt right for the first time in such a long time. I had fallen asleep in Dr. Spencer Reid’s arms, totally content as the sound of his heartbeat under my ear that rested on his chest lulled me to sleep.

We had separated slightly in the night. Spencer was still on his back, but I had rolled away from him at some point in the few hours we’d been asleep. You wouldn’t imagine that such a skinny man could radiate the kind of heat he did. We weren’t touching, but his right arm was reached towards me. Even in his sleep he was still seeking me out, and the sight pulled at my heart. _My wonderful, wonderful Spencer._

“It’s impolite to stare,” he grumbled, never opening his eyes. “Plus, it’s so dark in here you can’t even see me.”

I giggled, which caused a smile to tug the corners of his mouth. “You haven’t opened your eyes yet; you don’t know how dark the room is.” The teasing note left my voice when I told him the truth. “And…I wasn’t sure you were real,” I whispered. “I wanted to memorize your face just in case this had all been a dream.”

Spencer reached out to grab my arm, pulling me closer to his body. I nestled up against him while he pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. “I promise you I’m very real.” He stretched his lean body out before letting out a monstrous yawn. “And now that you’ve let me love you, it’s going to be nearly impossible to get rid of me.” 

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” I pulled back slightly, turning my face up to better see his.

His hand moved up to my face, his fingertips tracing over my cheek. “It’s not a bad thing for _me_ , but you might get annoyed.”

I chuckled. “Are you saying you’re needy?” 

My darling doctor simply nodded. 

I lifted up on my elbow and pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose. “I’m sure you remember how well I can handle needy boys.” 

Spencer groaned, then turned his head to the left so he could look at the clock on the nightstand. “We have to meet the rest of the team at 8 in the lobby. It’s 5:45 right now.” 

“I’m very impressed that you can tell time, Dr. Reid.” 

His bottom lip jutted out in a pout when he faced me again. “You can’t tease me like that.” 

My index finger ran down between his eyes, over his nose, tracing the outline of his lips before I turned my hand, my thumb and forefinger gripping his chin. “I can do whatever the fuck I want, Dr. Reid. Or did you forget that?” 

“No, Miss,” he breathed, his eyes wide. “I didn’t.”

“Miss, huh?” I teased. “Is that what you want?” 

His eyes ran over my face, searching for _something._ “If y-you do,” he stammered out. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I know things can’t just go back to how they were before but…” 

I smiled at him. “But you wouldn’t be opposed to the idea of me fucking your brains out?” 

Spencer smiled, a tinge of pink appearing on the apples of his cheeks. “I don’t think I’ll ever be opposed to that.”

Leaning closer, I brushed my lips against his. “Have you missed me, Dr. Reid?”

“More than you can even imagine.” The sincerity laced in his words made me pull back, my eyes moving to meet his.

“I missed you too, my darling boy. So, so much.” I rolled my body up so I could swing my leg over his hips, my panty covered pussy pressing against his groin. Spencer was already a little hard, so the friction caused by my movements pulled a whimper from him. I leaned down to press a kiss to his well-defined jaw before nipping the skin with my teeth. “But you really missed this, didn’t you?” I ground against his growing arousal to prove my point.

Spencer’s hands came up to grip my hips, guiding my rocking against him. “What do you want, Dr. Reid?” I asked, my hands coming down to grab his own, pulling them off my body and pushing them over his head. My boy’s bottom lip was caught between his teeth, his wide eyes rapidly scanning over every inch of me.

When he didn’t immediately answer, I let out a sigh. I sat up, looking down at him. _Surely you haven’t forgotten already, baby._

“Dr. Reid, we’ve talked about this. When I ask you a question, I expect an answer.” Bringing my right hand up, I quickly let it fall against his cheek, the sound of the sharp slap rang out into the silence of the room.

His cheek was bright red, his pupils blown in lust. “I’m sorry Miss.” Spencer’s hips lifted slightly, grinding against my heat. “I-I want to fuck you again, Miss.”

I smirked. “I’m sure you do, Dr. Reid. But, I’m not sure you deserve it.”

“Please,” he whined. “Please Miss. I need you.”

“No, Dr. Reid,” I murmured, leaning over him again, my lips a breath away from his own. “You don’t need me yet, you just want me. But don’t worry, I’ll show you what it’s like to _need_ me.” I kissed him softly. “Do you remember your safe words?”

“Yes Miss,” he breathed, his head jerking in a nod.

I flashed him a bright smile before I moved off of him. _Let the games begin, baby._ “Good. Take your clothes. Lay in the center of the bed. _Now._ ”

He scrambled to comply with my orders while I moved off the bed completely, walking over to my suitcase. I grabbed one of my thin belts that I always kept in my go bag, but rarely wore. I tugged on the leather material, running my fingers over its softness. I didn’t spare Spencer a glance when I tossed it down onto the bed. I faced the bed and began slowly peeling off my clothes, not missing the soft groan I heard come from my boy.

Spencer had followed my instructions perfectly, his beautiful angular body was bared to my gaze. His cock was already hard and resting against his thigh.

“Turn over, I want you on your hands and knees.”

His breathing stuttered, his eyes snapping up to my face. “W-what?”

“You heard me, Dr. Reid.” I picked up my belt, folding it in half, resting the fold in the palm of my left hand. “How many times have I told you that when I _ask_ you a question, I want an answer? Clearly the message isn’t sinking in, baby.” I smirked at him, enjoying how he was squirming. “So, we’re going to try another way.”

Spencer’s face was flushed, his teeth worrying his bottom lip.

“You can safe word if you don’t want to do this, Spencer,” I said softly, breaking the scene a bit; my boy was still so _new_ to this. The thought of him being uncomfortable with something was unbearable to me. “I won’t be upset. I’ll punish you some other way.” _You know I would never give you more than you could handle, baby._

“I w-want to try it,” he whispered. “But what if I don’t like it?”

“Then you say yellow,” I said simply, my eyes fixed on his. “We’ll move on. Or you can say red and we’ll stop.”

He nodded before pushing up off of the bed, rolling over to get on his hands and knees. I smiled. _My darling, darling boy._ Before he rolled over completely, I noticed that his neck was flushed, a tell-tale sign of how he was feeling. “Are you embarrassed, Dr. Reid?”

“Yes Miss,” he mumbled.

I moved closer to him, resting on my knees, my right hand gripping the back of his thigh before sliding upwards. “Is it because you’re ass in the air for me? Are you embarrassed for me to see you like this, Dr. Reid?”

He nodded, causing me to scowl. I brought my open palm down against one of his ass cheeks. “You know, for such a _smart_ boy who can’t _stop_ talking any other time, you certainly seem to have a problem answering my questions.” He let out yelp at the sting of my hand.

I moved the hand that had spanked him up to grip his curls, yanking his head upwards. “You will learn to _answer_ me, Dr. Reid. Is that clear?”

“Yes Miss,” he replied, his voice strangled by his own desire and embarrassment. I saw how his cock hung between his legs, still so hard precum was leaking. _I knew you’d be like this, my nervous boy._

With one more sharp tug, I released his hair. “You don’t need to be embarrassed, baby. Not with me, you know that. The next time I fuck this little ass, I’m going to fuck it while you’re like this. I’m going to grab your hips and slam my cock into you. But only after you beg me for it.” Spencer moaned at my words, his body tensing. “Is that what you want, Dr. Reid? Do you want me to shove your face into the pillow and fuck you like the slut you are?”

“Yes Miss. Please.”

I brought my hand down against his ass again, softer this time. “Good.” I moved the belt into my right hand. “I’m going to punish you now, Dr. Reid.” I ran the leather of my belt up the back of his thighs, over his cute little ass. “Why am I punishing you?”

“Because I didn’t answer your questions.” His response was immediate. _Progress._

“I’m going to strike you 5 time, Dr. Reid. After every strike you will count them out loud for me. Do you understand?”

“Yes Miss.”

“If you’re a good boy, I’ll reward you when we’re done.” I leaned over, pressing a kiss to his shoulder as a sign of reassurance. “Ask me to punish you, Dr. Reid.”

He whined, the sound was a mix of deep need and arousal, but also a tinge of uncertainty. “Please, punish me Miss. Please.”

I pulled the belt away from his body. I looked him over one final time before I brought the belt down quickly, striking where his ass met his thighs. He yelped slightly at the sensation, his body shifting forward. “Count, Dr. Reid.”

“One,” he gritted out, his fingers twisting in the sheets. I could almost _feel_ his embarrassment. But, after he counted the first strike he pushed his ass backwards, silently asking for more.

“Such a dirty, dirty boy,” I whispered, so quietly I’m not even sure he heard me. I gave him a moment before I lashed out again.

“Two.”

My third strike was less intense, but it went over the area that I had already hit.

“Three,” he whined out.

“You’re doing so good, Dr. Reid,” I praised. “Your ass looks so pretty like this. I wish we were home so I could give it the proper attention it deserves.” I brought the belt down again.

“Four,” he cried.

“Why are you being punished, Dr. Reid?”

“Because I didn’t answer you when you asked me a question, Miss.” His voice was a thick, pathetic whimper; his hips were shifting desperately. Even if he didn’t understand it himself, his body wanted this.

“And have you learned your lesson?”

He nodded franticly before his head dropped. “Yes Miss.”

I brought my belt down one final time. I could feel my own arousal starting to coat my thighs at the sight of him. His ass was pink, his cock was hard, and his fingers were gripping the sheets so tightly the veins in his hands were visible beneath his skin.

“Five,” he said, his voice almost a broken sob.

I kissed his shoulder, my hand moving over his ass to sooth the tender skin. “I’m so proud of you Spencer. So proud of you. You’re such a good boy.” I peppered his back with kisses.

My nervous boy looked up at me, a sheen of tears in his eyes. My heart squeezed. “Are you alright, baby?”

He nodded. “Green. Green, Miss. I need you so much.”

I dropped the belt on the bed, my fingers going to his hair to pull him up right. “I know you do, my greedy boy.” My mouth met his in a hungry kiss while my other hand went down to run over his cock, causing him to release a strangled moan into my mouth.

Pulling away from the kiss, I waited until his eyes fluttered open before I spoke. “I’m going to reward you now, darling boy. I want you to lay down on your back and let me fuck you.” I pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “Is that what you want?”

“Yes Miss,” he whimpered out, nodding his head, which only caused his hair to pull against my grip. “Please.”

I released him, letting him lie on his back. I straddled his hips, my dripping pussy hovering over his cock while I lined us up. “You can touch me, Dr. Reid. You’ve been _such_ a good boy.” With that, I quickly sank onto his cock, taking him to the hilt in one movement.

“Oh my _god,_ ” he groaned loudly, his head was thrashing against the pillows, his hands gripping my hips so tightly I was sure I’d have bruises.

“Do you feel how wet my pussy is, Dr. Reid?” I leaned over him bracing one hand beside his head, but the other I placed over his throat.

“Yes Miss. You feel so good.” His hips started to raise up to meet my motions. “I need you so much.”

I smirked down at him. “I always know what you _need_ Dr. Reid.” I watched is face carefully before I applied some slight pressure to his carotid artery. His eyes fluttered; his hips jerked slightly. “I know you _need_ to feel my hot, tight, little pussy cum all over your cock. I know you _need_ for me to fuck you so hard you cum deep inside of me. Do you need to fill my pussy up with your cum, Dr. Reid?”

Spencer was experiencing an onslaught of sensations at that moment, I’m sure. Which is why I wasn’t surprised when he brought his hand up to tap against the one on his throat. I removed my hand immediately, leaning over to press a kiss against the side of his mouth. “Good boy.”

He whined loudly while he pushed me down more forcefully on his cock, trying to accelerate my motions. “Please Miss. I need that. I _need_ to feel you cum around me.”

I kissed him properly, my teeth catching his bottom lip, tugging harshly. “Then make me cum, Dr. Reid.”

His hand went in between our bodies, bringing his thumb to the crest of me to circle my clit. My mouth broke away from his in harsh moan while my walls fluttered around him.

Spencer moaned so loudly I wouldn’t be surprised if someone in the next room could hear him. “Fuck, Miss I’m so close.” His circles against my clit sped up. “Please, please let me cum.”

I felt my orgasm quickly rising up inside me. Seeing this beautiful man so fucking _desperate_ for me was one of the sexiest things I had ever seen. “Cum for me, pretty boy. Fuck me like you mean it.”

Something inside him snapped at my words. His fingers gripped my hips so hard it hurt, he slammed me down onto his cock, while he chanted my name almost frantically while he fell over the edge.

The feeling of him losing himself inside of me sent me over the edge. My pussy clamped down on his cock while my mouth opened in a silent scream. Spencer’s body jerked underneath mine with the last tremors of his orgasm. When I started to come down, I collapsed onto him, pressing kisses to every inch of his skin I could reach. “You did so well, Spencer,” I praised between kisses.

Knowing I needed to hurry, and silently cursing myself for not planning out the aftercare a bit better, I lifted off of his body. I was watching my boy closely, so I saw the wince he gave when his cock slipped from me, coated in a mixture of both of our releases. Making my way to the bathroom, I wet two wash cloths before dashing back into the bedroom.

Spencer was still on his back, his breathing was even but his eyes still looking a bit dazed. “Are you okay, Spence?” I asked, gingerly cleaning him up with one of the rags.

He licked his lips, his eyes finding mine. “I-I think so,” he said softly. “It doesn’t feel like the first time, but it still feels…”

I tossed the rag in the floor before using the second one to clean myself up. “I know, darling boy.” I laid down with him, bringing the covers up to shield our bodies. “You couldn’t have done better, Spencer. I’m so proud of you.”

He seemed to shine in the light of my praise. “Thank you, y/n.” He pressed a soft kiss to the skin between my eyebrows.

After a few moments I asked, “Can you get up for me? We need to clean up properly so I can put some lotion on your cute little butt.”

He chuckled at that. “It sounds like an excuse to touch it again.”

I nodded, not trying to keep the smile off my face. “You’ve found me out, Dr. Reid. Everything I do is all part of an elaborate ruse to fondly your cute butt.”

\--

After our shower, true to my word I had Spencer face down on the bed while I “fondled” him.

“This is humiliating,” he mumbled, his face pressed into a pillow.

“You’re gonna have to get over this, Doc. This ass is officially mine. This is not the last time you’ll be like this.” I finished my work by giving him a playful swat on his behind. “I’m done. You can cover your virtue now.”

After our shower, I had dressed and went to Spencer’s room to get his clothes. It was still early enough that I hadn’t seen any of the team, but I don’t think it would have mattered if I had. He was mine now, and our friends would find out soon enough. That thought warmed me to my core.

“So, how did you feel about the impact play?” I asked, once he was off the bed and getting dressed.

He flipped his hair out of his face, looking at me while he fastened his pants. “I liked it; I think. I don’t know that I’d like anything more extreme than that.” He reached for his shirt before he spoke again. “At least not yet.”

 _Yet?_ “Noted, Doc.”

“What about you?”

I quirked one of my brows at him. “I clearly liked it.”

Spencer smiled, shaking his head, his damp curls already starting to shift into his signature look of perpetual bedhead. “I meant how did you feel about making traditional sex a part of our…relationship?”

I paused, considering he’s words. Ever observant, Dr. Spencer Reid had noticed something I hadn’t thought of yet. I hadn’t had vaginal sex with a submissive during a scene in a long, _long_ time.

“It felt…natural,” I said softly while he walked over to stand in front of me. His thumb caressed my cheek while he tilted my face up, pressing a kiss to my lips. “Everything feels easy with you, Spence.”

My boy’s smile could have lit up the whole room. “I love you so much,” he murmured, adoration dripping from his voice, before turning to finish getting ready.

 _Wait_. I stood up quickly, walking over to him. “Spence.” He turned towards me, but in the way that he knew everything, he didn’t seem particularly surprised that I had gotten up so quickly.

“Realized something, have you?” He tucked my hair behind my ear, his face was so fucking _tender_ while he looked down at me, his warm brown eyes were shinning when he looked at me. I saw everything I had felt in my heart for so long reflected back at me in those remarkable eyes that belonged to the most remarkable man. 

He was right, I had realized something. I cupped his face in my hands, my voice shaky but strong. “You’re the brightest thing in any universe, Spencer Reid. And I love you, I love you, I love you.”

I thought our kiss last night was the best a kiss could get, but Dr. Reid quickly proved me wrong.

\--

We didn’t see the rest of the team until we met them in the hotel lobby at 8 am. Spencer was carrying my bag and our fingers were laced together as we walked towards them.

JJ was the first one to spot us; she clapped her hands together before jumping to her feet. The rest of the team turned to see what she had noticed, only to have similar reactions.

We were quickly enveloped in hugs and showered with well wishes.

“I knew you had it in you, Pretty Boy!” Morgan had pulled Spencer into a tight hug. No sooner had Morgan released him than Rossi grabbed him, kissing both of his cheeks, looking every bit the proud father. _We really don’t deserve Rossi,_ I thought, not for the first time.

Hotch offered me a brief hug, which startled me. “You’ll have some forms to fill out when we get back. Reid already filled out his.”

I smirked over at my boy. “Looking forward to it, Boss.”

\--

Our plane was set to take off at 9 am, meaning we had to board at 8:30. I was still tired from all the sleep I hadn’t gotten last night. With that in mind, I made my way over to the couch, intending to stretch out for our flight back home. I found myself smiling when my boy approached me. He lifted my legs up with a feigned sigh before he sat down, once he was situated in his seat, he pulled my legs into his lap.

It was a few minutes later when he shifted in his seat, wincing slightly.

I pulled my lips between my teeth to contain a laugh. “Something wrong, Dr. Reid?”

He gave me a fake glare, his mouth twisting into a pout. “You’re lucky I love you,” he muttered.

 _I know,_ I thought. _I know, I know, I know._


	11. "I love you too."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer and Reader haven’t been able to spend the kind of time together that they’d like to. When they finally have the chance, they’re all to eager to take advantage of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you that don’t want a cheesy epilogue, this is it for our love birds. I just want to thank you all for sticking with me on this massive undertaking. Your messages have meant everything to me. The epilogue will be out tomorrow.

The wonderful thing about working with my boyfriend is that even when we were away on cases, we got to spend time together.

It was just never the _kind_ of time I wanted to spend with him. I had told Spencer in the beginning that I had always viewed our BDSM sex scenes as just a part of our sex life. I was fine doing things that weren’t in the realm of the dominate and submissive relationship. I wouldn’t trade sleepy morning sex with my boy for anything. And even when we were away on cases, we were still able to do _some_ things.

But, while I’m as sex positive and progressive as the next person, I just couldn’t put a strap on or a butt plug in my go bag. 

We’d only had that one weekend together at my apartment, but I was ready for more.

And I think my boy was too.

\--

“Alright, once we touch down in D.C., I need everyone to submit their paperwork for the Wilcox case,” Hotch told us while our plane was fast approaching Virginia. “That case goes to trial next week and the ADA needs to make sure everything is set.”

Morgan scoffed from his place across from Rossi. “I mean, I feel like it’s a pretty open and shut case anyway, Hotch. She all but admitted to it!” Emily was nodding, not looking up from her book. “Plus, the only work they should need is the profile y/l/n came up with.”

I felt Spencer tense beside me; I placed my hand on his thigh in an attempt to calm him. “It was a pretty solid profile, Morgan,” I said easily.

Morgan’s eyes kept jumping back and forth between me and Reid, a smirk turning his lips up. “I just wanna know, in this little relationship, who is calling who ‘Daddy’?”

I could _feel_ Spencer flush beside me, but I maintained my composure. “I don’t think either of us have called the other Daddy, have we Spence?” I looked over at him, quirking one of my brows. _Come on, baby. Don’t take his bait._

My boy cleared his throat. “N-not that I remember.”

I nodded, my gaze never wavering from his. “If you want me to call you daddy, just ask.” I shot him a wink before I turned around to face the rest of the team.

Rossi and Emily looked equally amused, JJ looked horrified, Hotch looked like he had never experienced any sort of human emotion. Morgan looked like it was his birthday. “Na-uh. In Nebraska you said men have called _you_ daddy.” He pointed his finger at me, then gestured back and forth between Spencer and I. “So, how bout it, Pretty Boy? Have you called y/l/n Daddy?”

I should have learned to never underestimate Spencer Reid.

“She hasn’t asked me to call her daddy, but I would,” he said simply. “She prefers Ma’am, though.”

A choked laugh bubbled out of my mouth a few moments before a roar erupted from the rest of the team.

I was smiling so wide I was worried my face would split in half when I felt Spencer’s fingers lace through mine.

\--

I was still laughing when I unlocked the door to my apartment later that night. “I will never forget the look on Morgan’s face for as long as I live.”

My boy chuckled behind me. “I have to admit, I’m pretty proud of that one.” He shut and locked the door after we walked inside, dropping his bag right beside mine. “At least he has stopped asking me if I’m a virgin.”

Turning, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders while his hands settled on my hips. “There isn’t a part of you that’s a virgin, Spencer Reid. I’ve seen to that.” His smile delighted me to my core. “Why did you say ‘ma’am’?”

He laughed softly. “I love Morgan like he’s my brother, but if I heard him call you Miss, I might try to fight him.” I pressed a kiss to my forehead when I laughed. “He’d kick my ass, but I’ve had my ass kicked before.”

I stood on my tiptoes, bringing my lips to his in a soft kiss. “I love you; you know?”

“I had a feeling.”

I scoffed, pulling away. “You’re still a brat.”

He just nodded it acknowledgement. “Can I ask you a question?”

I turned around from my place in front of the fridge, giving him an eye roll. “Shoot, Pretty Boy.”

Spencer fidgeted slightly. “Was that true? What you told Morgan? Has someone called you daddy before?”

“Oh, yeah, once,” I confirmed with a laugh. “I mean, sometimes I break during sex scenes, because sex is objectively funny. But…to this day, I have never broken out of my dom mode faster.”

Spencer walked into the kitchen, accepting a bottle of water from me. “So, it wasn’t planned?”

I snorted. “No, not at all. I was pegging him, and I said…something, I don’t even remember. But he just moaned out, in this very high-pitched voice, ‘daaaaaaddddyyyy’.” I was laughing in earnest now. “I don’t have a problem with daddy kinks, at all. I wouldn’t even mind if someone wanted to call me daddy. It was just unexpected. And I was still a baby dom. I didn’t know what to expect yet.”

Spencer regarded me thoughtfully. “I’d call you daddy.”

“You would?” I grinned at him while I moved to stand in front of him. “Well, I appreciate that, my love. But, right now, I just want you to call me Miss.”

His breath caught. “N-now?”

I nodded. “If you want. Or, we can wait til tomorrow. But I’m going to fuck you, Dr. Reid.”

I heard the whimper leave his throat. “Can it be now?”

“Needy boy,” I murmured. “Go into my bedroom. Take off all your clothes and kneel by the left side of my bed. You’re not to look at me until I tell you.”

Spencer scrambled to my bedroom, much to my amusement. I took my time putting the water bottles away, thumbing through my mail on the counter.

I wanted him _squirming_ by the time I got in there. I started undoing the buttons of my shirt while I made my way down the hallway, but not before I stopped to get something out of my bag.

 _Such a good boy,_ I thought when I saw him. His clothes were put neatly on the chair, his eyes were downcast, his palms resting on his thighs. I made no move to acknowledge him; instead I went to the chest at the foot of my bed. I could feel the tension radiating off of him, but his eyes stayed on the floor.

I removed my pants, leaving me in just my bra and panties before I went to stand in front of him. “Look at me, Dr. Reid.”

His eyes moved up my body slowly, and I reveled in the groan I heard. I may have been expecting this, so I wore my favorite underwear set. They were black and lacy; the panties hugged my hips low, and the bra made my tits look fantastic. I reached out to brush my fingers through his hair. “Do you like how I look, Dr. Reid?”

“Yes Miss.”

I tugged on his hair slightly, pulling a whimper from him. “Do you know what I’m going to do to you, Dr. Reid?”

“No Miss,” he muttered, licking his lips.

“First, I’m going to make you lay on my bed while I put my pussy on your face.” My fingers continued to scratch along his scalp. “And if you eat my pussy well enough, I’m going to fuck you. And if you make me cum, then I’m going to have you on your hands and knees for me.”

His eyes were wide, his pupils blown with lust.

“Lay on the center of the bed, Dr. Reid.” He moved so quickly I’m surprised he didn’t fall over.

I got on the bed more leisurely, straddling his stomach before I started to drag my center up his body. Spencer had been hard since the moment he looked at me, but I wanted him to be a desperate, whimpering mess.

“Miss,” he murmured. “Your-your panties are…”

**_Slap._ **

“Did I tell you to speak, Dr. Reid?” My hand stung with the force of the impact. “You’re my little fuck toy, do you understand? You _only_ do what I tell you to.” I pinched his face in my hand. “You haven’t earned my pussy. So,” I mumbled, leaning over him, bringing my face above his. “You’re going to use that pretty mouth of yours to lick me through my panties. Assuming you can do _that_ right, and I get wet enough, I _might_ let you really taste me.”

He nodded frantically. “Open.” I spit into his mouth, he swallowed it instantly. “You’re very dirty Dr. Reid.” With that, I brought my body all the way up. My hands gripped the headboard while I lowered my panty covered pussy to his mouth.

His first lick was hesitant, his tongue running over the lace softly. “This isn’t going to get you anywhere Dr. Reid.” I let out a sigh, moving my hips off his face. “Do you want to eat my pussy?”

“More than anything,” he moaned.

“Then fucking _act_ like it.” I lowered over his face again and to my delight, his response was immediate. He sucked the lace into his mouth, wetting it before he released it. His tongue massaged against the fabric, rubbing directly against my clit. I let out a breathy moan. _Always the quick study._

My hips were shamelessly rocking against him, I could feel his frustrated groans against my panties. “What’s wrong, Dr. Reid? Do you want something?” _Come on nervous boy, beg me._

“Please,” he breathed in a broken plea. “Please let me taste you, Miss. I need it.”

I pretended to consider him for a moment before I moved off of his body. His cock was hard against his pelvis, the head weeping with precum. His fists were balled up at his sides; his entire body was tense. Slowly, I hooked my thumbs in my panties, pulling them down.

“Is this what you want, Dr. Reid?” I said, running my fingers over my drenched lips.

“Yes Miss. _Please._ ”

Grabbing the headboard, I swung my leg over his head again, bringing my pussy just above his mouth. “Since you asked so nicely.”

No sooner had the words left my mouth than Spencer _attacked_ my pussy. His mouth felt like it was everywhere all at once. I felt his tongue spear into me before it circled my clit. He opened his mouth and covered my entire pussy, sucking softly, causing my hips to buck.

“ _Fuck,”_ I moaned, grinding against his mouth. _Your mouth is a fucking treasure, baby._

Very reluctantly, I pulled off of him when I felt my orgasm approaching. His head lifted up off of the bed, trying to follow me. I smiled down at him. “As much as I love that pretty mouth, I want to cum all over your cock, Dr. Reid.”

I moved off the bed to the chest again. This time I grabbed 3 different things. I tossed the first two on the bed while I kept the other in my hand. “Do you know what these are, Dr. Reid?”

He nodded, biting his lip.

“Put your arms up.” He put his arms against the bars of my headboard, moaning softly when my handcuffs clicked in place. I moved down his body, pressing a kiss to his mouth, tasting myself on him. “Now, just think about how hard that pretty cock is going to get every time you see those at work.”

Spencer whimpered loudly. “Those are your w-work ones?”

I nodded, grabbing the butt plug and the lube before I settled between his thighs. “That they are, Dr. Reid. And I have to say, they look very nice on you.”

His teeth dug into his bottom lip when I pushed his legs up and apart. “We’ve talked about this, baby,” I reminded him, giving his thigh a sharp slap. “I’m going to have you face down in this bed while I fuck you. Don’t be embarrassed now.”

Once it was coated in lube, I started pressing the plug into him. It was slightly larger than the one we had used previously, and that’s because I wanted to use a bigger cock. I smirked at him when he groaned while I started fucking the plug into him. Pushing inside a bit before pulling back out.

I leaned over, pressing a soft kiss to his inner thigh. My teeth bit down on that skin right when the butt plug was seated inside of him. He let out a strangled moan, his back arching up. ‘Fuck, Miss. _Fuck._ ”

My tongue flicked over the bite mark, soothing the skin. “That’s the plan, Dr. Reid.”

I moved my body over his, lining up my drenched pussy above his cock. My eyes were on his face when I slowly began to lower myself onto him. We’d never had traditional sex while he had a butt plug in; and I was _very_ excited to see how my boy reacted.

My pelvis met his hips when he bottomed out inside me, my hands braced on his chest. “Fuck, baby. You have such a nice cock.” I started to rock against him slowly. “Such a nice cock on my little fuck toy, isn’t that right?”

“Yes Miss,” he breathed out, his eyes shut tight. “Miss, you feel so good. I…I’m close…”

**_Slap._ **

“No.” My voice was hard as his eyes snapped open. “Fuck toys like you don’t get to cum until their miss _says_ so, is that clear, Dr. Reid?” I rose up, sliding up and down his cock, my fingers ghosting down my stomach until they found my clit. My other hand tugged the cups of my bra down. “You may have other people out there convinced that you’re not a dirty, needy, little thing. But I _know_ better.”

My fingers sped up against my flesh, my other fingers pinching and rolling my nipple, as I sought out my pleasure.

“You’re nothing but a needy fucking slut, isn’t that right, Dr. Reid?”

His words were strangled, his eyes fixed on my pussy taking his cock. “Yes Miss. Fuck _, Miss._ ”

“Good boy,” I said softly. “Such a dirty fucking boy. Now, hold still while I cum all over you. Can you do that, Dr. Reid? Can you be my good boy?”

Spencer’s head was thrashing on the pillows when my pussy finally clamped down around him. I threw my head back, my vision going white. “ _Fuck!_ ” I worked my hips desperately against him, seeking every ounce of my pleasure.

Once I came back down, I collapsed against him, pressing open mouth kisses against him. His teeth caught my lip, tugging me too him while his tongue slicked over my own.

“Such a good boy,” I mumbled against his mouth. I reached out to grab the keys to my cuffs, releasing him. I inspected both of his wrists, kissing the indentations softly. “Now, I want you to turn over for me. Can you do that, Dr. Reid?”

I knew he was still uncomfortable; things were still new to him. _It’s always your choice, baby._

My darling boy just nodded. “Yes Miss, I’ll do anything for you.”

_And I you, Spencer Reid._

Moving off the bed, I returned to the chest, picking up my harness before I selected the 8-inch dildo attachment. I looked back up on the bed, taking in the mess I had made of Spencer Reid. His ass was in the air, the base of the plug clearly visible. His cock hung heavy between his legs. His fingers were gripping my sheets tighlty.

“Normally,” I said, moving behind his hips. “I’d want you to suck my cock before I fucked this tight little ass.” I slowly started to pull the plug out. “But, since you were such a good little toy, I think you’ve earned this.”

Spencer moaned loudly. “Thank you, Miss.”

I couldn’t control my smirk. _You’re a natural at this, my darling boy._

Lining my dildo up against his asshole, I slowly started to pitch my hips forward, one hand on his ass, the other at the base of my ‘cock’. “Look at how well you take cock, Dr. Reid. You’re just pulling me in. Such a _filthy_ fucking boy.”

I started a slow rhythm, still not having entered him fully yet. “ _Fucking- fuck,_ Miss. _Please!_ ”

“Please what, baby?”

He groaned, partially in embarrassment, partially in desperation. “Please fuck my ass Miss. I need you to fuck me, _please._ ”

“All you have to do is ask, Dr. Reid.” My hips thrust forward, my pelvis meeting his ass. “Such a pretty fucking boy.”

I started to move in and out of him, my eyes fixed on how he was taking the dildo. “It’s a shame that you’ve never had a real cock fuck you, Dr. Reid. You look so fucking _pretty_ like this.” My motions sped up. “But, you’re my pretty boy now.”

When he didn’t respond, I reached out and grabbed his hair, pulling harshly. “Isn’t that right Dr. Reid?”

“Yes, yes, yes, Miss. Fuck. I-I,” his voice was pleading. “Miss, _please._ ”

I kept my grip on his hair, my hips now pounding into him. “Touch your cock for me, pretty boy. Jerk your pretty cock off while I fuck your tight little ass.”

His right hand moved down to fist around himself. His upper body was only supported by his left arm and my hand in his hair. “There’s my good boy,” I praised, keeping my pace up. “I like fucking you like this, Dr. Reid. The only problem is, I can’t be the one to make that nice, pretty cock cum. So, I think tomorrow I’ll have you bounce on my cock again.”

Spencer was moaning _loudly_ now. “Miss, I’m going to cum.”

“Cum for me, Dr Reid.” I pressed a kiss against his back, a moment of gentleness in such a rough, beautiful act.

His face dropped down into my pillow and he _screamed._ Spencer Reid _screamed_ while I pounded into his ass, his hand jerking his cock quickly, cumming all over my bed sheets.

He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I worked myself out of him, still giving a few pumps to help prolong his pleasure. When I was sure he had come down completely, I pressed another kiss to his back. “You did so good, Spencer.”

I hopped off the bed, unhooking my harness and hustling to the bathroom. I returned with a wet rag and some ointment for his wrists. Spencer had all but collapsed on the bed.

“You did so, _so_ well, Spencer,” I praised, wiping the lube from him. “Can you turn over for me?”

With a groan, he flipped his body over slowly, his eyes glassy but focused. “Fuck,” he mumbled.

I smiled at him, pulling his wrists into my lap. “I didn’t have the cuffs on tight, but you kept pulling,” I teased.

Spencer just smiled; his expression blissful. “I love you so much.”

His soft words made emotion rise up in my throat. “Not half as much as I love you, Spencer Reid.” I pressed a kiss to his sweaty brow. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I feel…I feel fine, it’s not like last time but I-I still feel like I need to be near you.”

“Good,” I said pressing a soft kiss to his lips this time. “Because I always want to be near you.”

I hopped off the bed, reaching my arms for him. “Can you come shower with me? I got you very dirty.”

He chuckled tiredly but let me pull him into the bathroom.

I turned on the shower, waiting for the water to get warm before I got inside, tugging Spencer in after me. We stood under the spray together, arms wrapped around each other for several long moments. He needed to be with me just as much as I needed to be with him.

I almost felt _guilty_ for how happy I was in that moment. How could one person feel this? _What have I done to earn having this miraculous man in my life?_

“You’re wrong, you know,” my boy mumbled against my hair.

“Beg your pardon?” I said, pulling back to squint at him.

Spencer was smiling at me. Really smiling. His eyes were crinkled at the corners, happiness radiating from him. “You said I didn’t love you half as much as you love me. That’s simply untrue,” his voice as grave, with just a hint of teasing.

I poked his side. “This isn’t a fight you’re gonna win, Doc.” Pulling away from him, I reached for my shampoo. I squirted some into my hands before I passed it to him. “You should just start leaving stuff here,” I said, giggling when he put some of my citrus shampoo into his hand.

“I don’t mind. I like smelling like you.”

My laugh was cut short when I lifted my arms. I hadn’t realized how stiff my shoulder was until I reached up to begin washing my own hair.

“Are you okay?” Spencer asked, having seen the grimace on my face.

“Yeah, Doc. I’m just a little sore.”

Spencer frowned. “Turn around,” he instructed. I obeyed his request with a roll of my eyes, surprised when I felt his fingers on my scalp.

“Are you washing my hair, Spencer Reid?”

He made a noise of affirmation before he reached for the shampoo again. “I’ve never washed anybody else hair before,” he said softly. “Let me know if I mess up.”

My heart squeezed while his fingers massaged my scalp. “Impossible, Doc.” I felt his lips press against the back of my neck a few moments later, signaling that he was done. Once I opened my eyes again after rinsing my hair, I saw my boy’s eyes clouded in sadness while he stared at me.

I didn’t have a chance to ask before he made his thoughts clear. His hand lifted to my chest, his fingers pressing against my collarbone, tracing the shiny new skin of my scar. “The moment you got this was the worst of my entire life,” he whispered, his fingers ghosting over the raised skin. He pulled me to him, engulfing me in a hug that only he could give. “I was so afraid to lose you…but I didn’t think you were ever _really_ mine to begin with.”

I felt tears prick in the corners of my eyes, causing me to hold him to me tighter. “I think I’ve always been yours, Spencer.”

He chuckled, pulling away to look down at my face. “Then why did you make me wait so long to have you?”

“You should have asked me before Nebraska,” I teased.

Spencer’s hands came up to cradle my face, his thumbs brushing over my cheeks. “Now that I have you, I hope you know I’m never letting you go again. I love you.”

“I love you too.” _Forever and ever, my darling, nervous boy. You wonderful, wonderful man._


	12. The end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, just a very cheesy ending for our favorite couple.   
> This epilogue isn't important to the story, if you don't want a fluffy ending, then please skip it. 😌

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never even attempted to write something this big before. AYHTDIA is almost 60k words and I’m incredibly proud of it. This has meant more to me than anything.  
> Thank you for going on this journey with me, and if you're here after this story has ended, thank you so much for reading.

Time passed differently after I started loving Spencer Reid. Before him time always seemed to move in lurches, some moments taking a lifetime to pass and other speeding by too quickly. Now the moments without him seemed to drag on for an eternity, but the time I was with him never seemed like enough.

Not every moment of loving him was easy, because it wasn’t. We argued like any other couple...even if how we made up was a bit different. Sometimes I loved how he rambled about everything and nothing for hours on end, other times it drove me insane. Sometimes little remnants of the walls I’d had up for most of my adult life reared their ugly heads.

It had been six months since I jumped in front of a bullet to save the love of my life, and five months since I’d allowed him to love me.

What was miraculous was that I never doubted that he loved me. Sure, he said it every day, but his actions are what truly made me _feel_ it. Spencer’s love was like a tangible thing to me; it was warm, safe, and something I don’t know how I survived so long without.

My boy still brought me iced coffees after a fight, or whenever I needed a pick me up. He’d watch cheesy rom coms with me after we had a hard case. And in the mornings right when he was waking up, he’d always reach for me, pulling me closer into his arms.

Part of loving Dr. Spencer Reid was accepting what a strange individual he was He never wore matching socks, he was obsessed with Halloween, he was always ready to perform some sort of magic trick, and he was also the smartest person in almost any room he was in.

One night I was lying beside my boy in his bed when he asked me an odd question. “Do you want kids?”

I turned my head towards him, blinking up at his face. “Right this second or in general?”

He poked me in my side, scowling at me. “Both.”

I chuckled. “I don’t think I want them right this exact second. But yeah, I’d like to have kids, I think. I guess it would depend on who the father of said kids would be,” I teased.

My boy didn’t respond in the way I thought he would. He flopped onto his back; his eyes fixed on the ceiling.

“What is it, bug?” I moved closer to him. Propping my body up on my elbow, my head resting on my hand.

“Schizophrenia is genetic,” he said softly.

 _Ahh._ I grabbed his hand in my own, bringing it up to my lips. “And you don’t want to pass the risk on?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure if that’s responsible.”

I brushed a kiss over his knuckles. “Mental illness isn’t a death sentence, Spencer. Your mother could not have schizophrenia and your child still end up with it anyway. Life is a fucked-up game of chance, Doc.” I leaned closer, pressing a kiss against his cheek. “Any rugrat would be lucky to have you for a dad. And if you don’t want to have a biological child, we can adopt.”

That caused my boy to smile. “We?”

I wrinkled my nose at him. “Brat.”

\--

I realized something was coming a few days after our conversation. It might have been how squirrely Spencer was every time I was near him. It might have been the smiles Derek Morgan kept shooting at me.

But, truthfully, it was the squealing Penelope Garcia did when she saw me on Thursday morning that gave it away.

Like I’ve always said, just because you _know_ something is coming doesn’t mean you’re ready for it.

I knew what was going to happen the next day when Spencer suggested we cook dinner together at his apartment.

Doesn’t mean I was ready for it.

“You know, I think I knew you loved me the first night we made dinner together,” he said, his eyes lifting from the stove to meet mine.

I smirked. “Was it the spilling my darkest secrets to you or the fucking you that gave it away, Doc?”

He bumped my hip with his own. “Are you sure I’m the brat?”

“Absolutely.” I smiled up at him. “The chicken is about to burn, my love.”

\--

We were sitting at the kitchen table after dinner when I just _couldn’t_ stand it anymore.

“Doc, you have _got_ to relax,” I whined, letting out a big puff of air. “You’re gonna give yourself a stroke.”

“I’m relaxed!” He insisted despite his shoulders tensing even further. “And that’s not how strokes work.”

I shot him a withering look. _Sure, Doc._

“Why wouldn’t I be relaxed?”

The look on my face didn’t change.

My boy heaved out a sigh. “You know, don’t you?”

I smiled, reaching out to tap the tip of his nose with the end of my finger. “I have a strong suspicion.”

“I could just be nervous to ask you to move in with me.”

I pretended to consider this, tapping my chin. “You could be. But, that’s very fixable.” I smiled at him, resting my chin in my palm. “Spence, I think we should move in together. We’re at each other’s apartments all the time anyway. Now, I prefer the coffee shop near my house, but I like your apartment better, it has more character.” I wrinkled my nose. “We will need a new headboard, though. Or different restraints.”

The love of my life just laughed softly. “Well,” he said softly. “I guess that clears that up.”

Had I ever really loved anything before this moment? Before I sat here at this table with this man? How had I ever thought I was in love with a person before I met this curly haired force of nature? My beautiful, nervous, darling boy.

“Just ask me, Doc.” My voice was a whisper, tears pricking in the corners of my eyes.

Spencer let out a shaky breath and gave me a very self-deprecating smile. “You’re not supposed to know I have something to ask.”

I just laughed. “Hurry up or I’ll say no.”

His shoulders relaxed at my joke and it hit me then that he was actually nervous because he _thought_ that I might say no. _It’s not even possible, baby. Not even for a second._

“Y/n,” he began, both of his hands gripping my left. “I had this whole long rambling speech planned out. I wanted to describe the moment I knew I loved you, and the moment I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” Tears were starting to escape my eyes and run down my cheeks. “I had statistics on the current divorce rates, and I had arguments about how we were the exception,” he laughed, glancing down at my hand in his own. “But none of that matters now,” he whispered.

Spencer moved out of the chair he sat in to drop to one knee in front of me. I knew it was coming, but I still felt my heart stutter at the sight.

“Y/n y/l/n, you’re the most amazing thing in the entire universe. I don’t need data to confirm that. You make me feel warm and safe…you make me feel happier than I ever knew was possible. I…sometimes I’ve felt like I was trapped in darkness, but you shine so bright I’m not afraid anymore. The only thing I’m afraid of is losing you.” He took a deep breath before reaching into his right pocket, pulling out a small black box. When he opened it, I saw an antique looking ring nestled inside. “It was my mom’s,” he said. “I hope that’s okay. But…y/n, will you marry me? Please?”

I felt something inside of my chest inflate. Like my heart was a balloon and his words had filled me with so much love that I was about to burst. I dropped out of my chair to join him on the floor, bringing my hands up to the sides of his face, my thumb brushing away a tear that was rolling down his cheek. I tried to open my mouth and respond. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, and how I wanted nothing more than to spend every moment of the rest of my life with him.

All I managed to get out was a choked sob while I frantically nodded my head.

Spencer’s smile only made me cry harder; and when he kissed me after he slid the ring on my finger, I couldn’t remember what it was like to feel broken anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! :)


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